The Scariest Low-Budget Monster of All

"Roger, I can tell you're about to do it again."

"Do what again, Anthony?"

"Deliver another low budget masterpiece! This is going to be your scariest movie since Revenge of the Blood Sucking Zombies from Cleveland!"

"Thanks!  Y'know, that one did win  Monster Picture of the Year 1955."

"Not to mention Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman with Large Breasts and 50 Million Miles to Earth and Up Your Shorts!" 

"Yes, guess I've always known how to scare audiences on the cheap."  

"And this new picture has the scariest low-budget monster of all!"

"What do you mean?  What monster?"

"The cheesy one right above us."

"But I haven't designed the monster yet for ....."

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

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There's nothing like a 1950's monster picture when you're up in the middle of the night with a bowl of vanilla fudge ice cream until you realize you are old enough to have seen the movie when it opened in theaters and that you shouldn't be eating vanilla fudge ice cream in the middle of the night because now you're going to have reflux until dawn!

Otherwise there's nothing like a 1950's monster picture, especially when it's the subject of your contribution to the Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above.  It's almost scary how many other interpretations there are of the prompt by the other Fictioneers, and may you be chased by the Blood Sucking Zombies from Cleveland if you don't click here to check them out!

And what of the scariest low-budget monster of all?   It's right above you!    

Knew I shouldn't have tried that one again.  

The Top Ten Reasons It Was Time For David Letterman To Go

The announcement that David Letterman is to resign in 2015 took by surprise only the most out-of-touch brain dead individuals, that is, Republican members of the House of Representatives. 

Once the hippest thing on television since the advent of Saturday Night Live, Dave's brand of "so silly it's funny" humor has become about as fresh and vibrant as sex with your wife following an anniversary dinner at Olive Garden. Therefore we herewith present the top ten reasons it's time for Dave to ride off into the sunset, as follows: 

 The Top Ten Reasons It Was Time
 For David Letterman To Go

10) Wanted to spend more time with his son while he could still throw a ball and, more importantly, remember what one is. 

9) Top Ten lists have become so unfunny lately numbers 3 and 7 have been known to storm off the set.

8) Rupert G. constantly jacking up prices for corned beef whenever he sees Dave coming.

7) Late Night writers jumping at the chance to leave the show for Duck Dynasty.

6) Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra making way too much money playing central Jersey Bar Mitzvahs to stick with this dead end gig.

5) Dave's gap tooth appears to be closing, wreaking havoc on his entire charisma. 

4) Remember when Connie Chung and Dave had a special relationship and she used to be on the show all the time?  Who the hell is Connie Chung?  Exactly my point!

3) Abe Vigoda constantly asking everyone he sees "I don't look anywhere near as lousy as Dave, do I?"

2) Dave been mailing it in lately? CBS asks studio audience if they want material sent registered or certified before Dave even comes on stage.

And the Number One Reason 1 It Was Time For David Letterman To Go

1) Because Baby Boomers aren't already depressed enough about our icons biting the dust.

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Despite this good-natured jab,  David Letterman is an American original and true comedy legend.  I hope he'll be around in other contexts for years to come. We will miss him.

Show Biz Satan (FF)

"Perfect, Satan!  Just perfect!" 

"Thank you, Solly."

"That shot worked super due to your outstanding lighting skills! You're the best in the business!"  

"Well, I am the Master of Darkness!  To understand the dark, you also must comprehend the light."

"Luckiest day of my life when you came calling on me. Who knew you were enamored of show business?"

"I was ready to take your soul as the most corrupt producer in Hollywood!  But you offered me a job I couldn't resist."

"And since then we've made show business history!"

"But when will I realize my dream to work with Meryl Streep?  You recall, Sol Berman, after that is when I take you!

"Sorry, but ... umm ... Meryl ... uhh ...  is on location for another six months."

"By the fires of Hades!  Now what?" 

"Satan, say hello to Mark Ruffalo." 

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I'm so glad Satan found his metier and may be leaving us all alone for a while.  For that you can thank producer Sol Berman and the Friday Fictioneers, to whom this brief story (alright, 140 words, what's it to ya?) is the weekly offering by yours truly based on the intriguing picture prompt above.  

I don't know why I think Mark Ruffalo is kind of an amusing reference.  He's a good actor, but I find something funny about him.  Then again, judging from my success as a humor writer, what do I know about funny?  The other Fictioneers know funny, and dramatic, and poetic, and much more so it's time to leave me, Sol Berman, Mark Ruffalo, and Satan back in the studio and click here.

Devil with the blue dress on?  No, devil clutching an Oscar.  Next March.

April Foolsover

In a highly unusual year of the Hebrew calendar that has seen Hanukkah fall at the same time as Thanksgiving and a new word "Thanksgivukkah" created, there falls now yet another bizarre confluence of holidays.   Passover begins tonight with the first Seder of the holiday taking place at sundown.

For the first time in six centuries, the initial night of Passover 2014 - the annual retelling of the Hebrews' freedom from bondage in Egypt - falls as one with April Fool's Day.

"Isn't that awesome?!" said Orthodox Rabbi Perry Ben Vereen, head of the prestigious synagogue Temple Beth Ostrosky in Havertown PA. "Passover is one of our most important holidays, but it's almost impossible not to want to screw with it at a time like this!"

Rabbi Ben Vereen says he has a number of "tricks up his sleeve" for this evening, including substituting a large French Bread for matzoh, hiding a rubber chicken for children to find instead of the traditional afikomen, and of course placing whoopie cushions on the seats of all the Seder guests, including Mrs. Ben Vereen.

Many ideas for April Foolsover pranks can be found on the website JewFool 2014, including a host of suggestions for making it appear Elijah the Prophet really has shown up at your house, guzzled the wine left for him, and groped several of the guests.  

"This year," laughed Rabbi Ben Vereen, "I'm going to provide the Traditional Four Questions with multiple choice answers and make at least two of the three wrong answers zany!  I'm going to pad out the original ten plagues like water turning to blood,  boils, and death of the first born with new ones like watching Tracy Morgan's stand-up and having to give an enema to Ted Nugent. 

"And finally," Rabbi Ben Vereen added, "I'm going to announce I'm leaving Mrs. Ben Vereen for a blonde shikseh!"

Better have fun tonight, Seder goers, because Passover and April Fool's Day won't fall together again until 2223.  

 April Fool!  

It's actually next year.  

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