Tuesday, February 22, 2011

How to Care for Your Woolly Mammoth

Your Woolly Mammoth will come when you call him.
We think.

Welcome and Congratulations!

You are now the owner of a wonderful new household pet for you and your family known as a Woolly Mammoth.

Unlike virtually every other move you've pulled in your life, this time you have managed a halfway decent one. Not only do Woolly Mammoths make superb companions and great watch animals --- at least so far as we’re able to tell right now with the absolute dearth of information we have --- you are the also the proud owner of a Farbman Inc. cloned Woolly Mammoth.
Welcome to the Farbman Family!

Farbman --- Cloners of Fine Quality Mammals Since 2011. 


Your Complete Owner’s Manual

This hastily assembled manual will tell you everything you need to know about the care and handling of your new Woolly Mammoth --- at least so far as we’re able to tell right now with the absolute dearth of information we have. We recommend you read it thoroughly and keep it handy by placing it directly on the body of your Mammoth, but not anywhere on the body of your Mammoth such that when you dislodge it for review purposes your Mammoth is seized with the overwhelming biological urge to breed.
History of Your Pet

In 2010, Professor Lance Lewitsky of the Department of Digging for Stuff at the University of Havertown PA made the discovery of a lifetime while on an anthropological dig in Siberia. Professor Lewitsky discovered that it is extremely cold in Siberia and that for the most part, he didn’t like it. Coincidentally, he also discovered the extremely well-preserved remains of an over 10,000 year old Woolly Mammoth, which he and members of his team came to refer to affectionately as Zsa Zsa.

It seems Zsa Zsa had gotten her left front leg caught under a boulder, and not having seen 127 Hours (Professor Lewitsky conjectures), she just stood there like a dolt while a gigantic mudslide enveloped her like a rampaging jello mold. Determining the mammoth's genetic material was intact, Professor Lewitsky swiftly contacted the University’s Department of Opportunistic Scientists, and Zsa Zsa’s DNA was promptly decoded for both cloning purposes and a weekend geek-lark.

Your pet is a cloned byproduct of the original Zsa Zsa from Siberia. That’s right, a foreigner. Make sure to have its papers in order should you ever take your Mammoth to Arizona.


You will need a large bowl. Unless you are either a personal friend or member of the kitchen staff of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, look for an abandoned satellite dish at your town’s dump or steal some neighbor’s above ground swimming pool, cart it home, and turn it upside down.

Woolly Mammoths are herbivores. We think.

Fill the bowl with whatever you can find outside that’s green, such as grass, bushes, plants, the siding on your house, members of the Green Bay Packers, or actor Seth Green.  Especially actor Seth Green.

Do this 7 to 8 times a day or until your Mammoth indicates satiation by tusk-nudging you towards the ice cream.


Your Mammoth will need a great deal of exercise. He or she must be walked in the wee small hours of the morning each and every day of the year, regardless of the degree to which the blood in your veins begins to turn into the dark cherry water ice about which the high school girl at Rita’s is always saying “Sorry, sir! It’s just too frozen to scoop!”

On the majority of these mornings you will encounter many of your neighbors all walking their mundane run-of-the-mill everyday doggie-woggies. These are the same people who’ve been looking down their noses at you for years, convinced you’re just not good enough for the neighborhood.

And now, at last you have them!

Sidle on over to the snooty Mrs. Goldstein and let her know that while your pet’s heritage harkens back to the days of the earliest cave paintings of Regis Philbin in France, her poodle’s genesis scarcely extends as far back as the days when one of the Two and a Half Men was Charlie Sheen.
Be sure to inform that blowhard Al Cowan that while his border collie begins to shake and quiver at the mere mention of the name Michael Vick, yesterday your pet ate Michael Vick.

Then there’s Jennifer Horowitz, that still hot 40-something divorcee on the next block. Make sure she knows that when your pet marks off territory, the upper boundary is in New Hampshire! When her schnauzer does the same, the northernmost boundary is your shoe.


Your Woolly Mammoth is very hairy, so it’s important to keep him or her bathed and groomed in the same manner as you would actor/comedian Robin Williams.

Select a gentle but dandruff – fighting shampoo, because dandruff flakes from a Mammoth can create the full effect in your living room of the kind of winter we’re having in Philadelphia. A good choice is “Head, Tusk, & Shoulders.” Lather, rinse, repeat. Then lather, rinse, repeat, lather, rinse, repeat, lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat.

Next, for combing and styling, you are going to need a comb, brush, eight or nine foot long hair dryer, and 400 rollers.  Allot the remainder of the week. Good luck!
House Breaking

Yes. Almost certainly.


Look for another Mammoth that’s really cute --- but if not, at least one that’s fair to middling with a good personality. Whether or not the family has money is optional and up to you.

That’s about all we’ve got for you here. We really don’t want to have to watch what happens next. 

You're kind of on your own.


By following the few simple guidelines above, you and your Woolly Mammoth should enjoy years of happiness and companionship together!

But if he or she should poop all over your carpet such that ultimately you can utilize only the upper floor of your home as living space, please don’t call us.

Because at Farbman Inc. --- Cloners of Fine Quality Mammals Since 2011 --- we can’t even find our building!



Lexi said...

Can I use my mammoth's tusks as a handy place to dump clothes, or might he object? Can I use his hair to knit myself a jumper so I will match my pet? (Not sure if it is too wiry to knit...)

And I would like to ride him, rather than take him for walks. I think this would be more fun. Do I need a saddle?

Perry Block said...


It would be more fun for all of us if you ride him, rather than take him for walks. Not sure a saddle will make any difference.

BTW, I've been meaning to talk to you about updating your will ...

Thanks, Lexi!

kdmccrite said...

Here's the deal. I will trade you my five dogs and one cat, for your one woolly mammoth. Especially if you'll pay me.

Perry Block said...

No, kd. HERE'S the deal!

My one Woolly Mammoth will eat your five dogs and one cat. Unless you pay ME!

Being the upkeep on this critter is $8,000 a day, I got to make money somehow.

He is a little cutie wootie pie, though!

Anonymous said...

Is there a potential trade in mammoth hair? I was just thinking of trying to cover the food costs.


Perry Block said...

That's so cool; that's my grandmother's name!

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