Car Talk (FF)

                                                                  Copyright – Jean L. Hays    

"Wonder why we haven't seen Little Jimmy lately, Dumpy,"said the wrecked red car.

"Because Little Jimmy grew up, Wrecky," said the dump truck. "Moved away and started his own family."

"What’ll become of us?"

"I've heard something about us leaving.  Jimmy's Mom’s probably going to donate us to charity so another little boy can play with us."

"Whaat?!! But what if he's a big fat kid who sits on us? Or some sweaty kid who never showers?  OMG, what if he does you-know-what right in front of us?!!!

"Don't make me barf, Wrecky."

"Oh, no, here comes Jimmy's Mom!" 

"Wait!  It's not Jimmy's Mom.  It's Jimmy!   I think I know what’s happening.”

"What, Dumpy?"

"We're not being donated.  Jimmy's taking us home.... so his little boy can play with us."

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I decided to go for the heartwarming touch at the end --- even though I feel like I've seen this theme done before --- to disguise the fact that I completely desecrated the prescribed Friday Fictioneers guideline of 100 words by 30% or more. So sue me.

I was never a fan of the NPR program Car Talk, but my blogpost title today can serve the double purpose of also standing as an unoffficial tribute to Tom Magliozzi, the Car Talk brother who just passed away.  I admired their enthusiasm, even if I found them kind of annoying.

Never annoying are the other Friday Fictioneers, whose heart-warming works can be found by clicking here.

Captain Cautious Buys A Car

Perry!!! Have I got a car for you!

It was time.   My Uncool Car was but a memory.  It had been felled by an automobile mishap, the unfortunate experience of which had turned me into Captain Cautious Behind the Wheel.

But it wasn't the heavy-handed plugging of two previous blog posts nobody's going to read anyway that caused me to put off purchasing a replacement vehicle.  It was something else,  something far less annoying for you but far more troubling for me.

I have no sales resistance.    NONE!

Want Proof?  

~ I'm still receiving the last year and a half of my subscription to the newsletter  Minister Farrakhan Speaks Out On Why He Hates You.  But I am thinking of not renewing ...

~ I purchased 6,000 acres of real estate sight unseen on the recommendation of  former presidential candidate Newt Gingrich.  It was only later I heard of his plans to colonize Mars. 

~ I invested in a play called Springtime for Hitler.  Actually, oddly enough,  that investment turned out pretty well.

Why do I succumb so readily to sales pressure?   Maybe it's because I fall for every aggressive salesperson's trick in the book.

1) If the salesperson is friendly and seems to like me, I want to please them!   And if I've made an age-related comment in the time I've been with them,  just let them say "I don't believe it, you look great!" and watch them hit sales quota for the month,  even if it's June 2nd.   And for the next month too.

2) If the salesperson is not that friendly and ignores me, I want to please them!  "If I can't even get sales people not to hate me," I think  "no wonder I can't get any dates!" 

3) So, the very special once-in-a-lifetime discount price expires in 15 minutes?  Who'd believe that nonsense?   Me.  I rush to sign the papers like I'm on Minute to Win It!

4) The salesperson aggressively pushes me for a yes or no answer?  Everybody knows that's the time to firmly say "no" and walk away!  I firmly say "yes," as do my firmly planted "yes-affirming" feet.  

But not this time!  This time I'll be prepared.  This time I won't succumb.

I studied up on cars.  I listened to those Car Talk guys on NPR.  I'll probably never again contribute to NPR, but I listened to the those Car Talk guys on NPR.

I practiced my sales resistance in the mirror:  "No, that's way too much!"  "Sorry, not interested!" "Yes or no? Then the answer is a big fat NO, you big fat douchebag!"

I knew I was ready.  

I entered the dealership prepared for battle.  I asked to see a sales person.  That sales person approached.

A very attractive young person of the female persuasion! 

"Before we get started," I blurted out "I'm prepared for you! I know that: 

•  these cars are in demand because Car &  Cool Guy Magazine called  them the Best Glove Compartment in Mid-Class Hybrids,  
• everyone takes Option Group 4A  because leather makes a statement, 
• your unbelievably low pricing is good for Tonight Only!,  and
•  Throw in floor mats?! Throw in floor mats?!!  Your Sales Manager will never let you throw in floor mats,  but if I'm ready to buy RIGHT NOW, you'll do EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN TO GET HIM TO THROW IN FLOOR MATS!"

I paused.   She didn't say a word.

"And you're going to act like you like me, I'll want to please you, and then I'll buy a car this very evening and overpay considerably for it.  But at least I can go home in my lovely new car and freely fantasize about having sex with you later."

She nodded emphatically.  

''All right," I said. "I'll take ... whatever."  

I picked out the car I wanted, I had a fine sales experience, and a fine fantasy later.

By the way, I really do like my new car.  There it is below.  

I still have no sales resistance.   But I do have floor mats!

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Zoom-Zoom 

(Note: Lake & mountains in back shown

 to make my life appear more appealing than it is.)