Controlling the Media Just Isn't That Much Fun Anymore

 

Yep, keeping these guys

 in line was no picnic

One of the most common misconceptions about the Jewish people is that we control the banks and the media.

Totally ridiculous, of course.

I’ve only been assigned the media. I don’t know anything about banking, except that I could never get my checkbook to balance.

Years ago controlling the media was easy. You just:

• Pick the guest stars for the next two or three episodes of The Love Boat (making sure Ted McGinley is always aboard).

• Record the various openings for 60 Minutes over the years:

  “I’m Harry Reasoner, I’m Morley Safer, I’m Mike Wallace. I’m Lesley Stahl, I'm Ed Bradley … and so on and so forth ad nauseam ... 

• And keep Ed McMahon sober.

Those were the days. Only three networks. Most of the programming was so insipid I often set the media on cruise control and watched reruns of The Twilight Zone.

But now? Multiple cable channels, endless streaming, Tubi, Pluto, On Demand — it’s like being an air traffic controller.

I’ve got to manage Fox News and MS NOW and keep them from getting into fistfights. I like Emma Stone, sure, but I’m seeing more of her naked body than I ever dreamed of. And “You say HBO Max, I say Max. You say HBO Max, I say Max. HBO Max, Max … HBO Max, Max …”

Let’s just call the whole goddamn thing off!

No doubt about it, this job is getting tougher and tougher for a Jewish Baby Boomer born in the 1950s, when the height of television comedy was Milton Berle in a dress. Easy to manage that:

“Hey, Uncle Miltie, you look beautiful but can you please not make it look like you do this on weekends too?”

But these days? I don’t even understand some of the stuff I’m supposed to control.

I really got into it with Tim Robinson last summer.

“Look, Tim,” I shouted, “call your cringe comedy The Chair  and it's sure to tank!”

He didn’t listen. Oy!

I’m thinking of cutting back and letting a younger Jew handle the day-to-day cable and streaming stuff.  Maybe I’ll just control the vintage programming on MeTV.

Can’t wait to hang with Rod Serling again.

Who knows — maybe I’ll find a spot for Ted McGinley too!

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If you liked this post you may also like I Watched Hamilton on Hulu and It Was Almost Better Than Seeing It Live.  

If you hated this post, I hope your remote control gets stuck on Fox News and you need me to switch it off!

Playing Trump Like a Fiddle 201

 

Scene: First day of classes at the Havertown Conservatory of Music.

Dean Kropotkin: I welcome all new and returning students here at the Havertown Conservatory of Music. I'm Dean Graham Kropotkin.

Students: Hello, Dean Kropotkin!

Dean Kropotkin: This year we've added several new classes: Guitar, Harp, String Quartets, and Playing Trump Like a Fiddle 201.

Students applaud.

Dean Kropotkin: And we are privileged to welcome Visiting Professor Vladimir Putin, the world's leading Trump Fiddler. He has played Trump like a fiddle all around the globe — including Helsinki, Finland and most recently Anchorage, Alaska.

Professor Putin: Thank you very much, Dean Kropotkin! Here, let me pluck out a basic riff for you all:

Putin plays.

Dean Kropotkin: Beautiful! Beautiful! What does that express?

Professor Putin: “Sir, you are a genius… a stable genius.” Works every time.

Dean Kropotkin: What did you play in Helsinki that caused Trump to essentially commit treason in plain view?

Professor Putin: A little number called “Powerful in My Denial.” Like putty in my hands, he was.

Dean Kropotkin: Professor Putin, this is our top student, Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud - MBS.

MBS: It's an honor, sir. I have been studying your technique for years. May I show you?

MBS plays.

Professor Putin: Well played! That's the “Things Happen Rag.”

Dean Kropotkin: And this is a promising new student, Zohran Mamdani. 

Zohran Mamdani: I can’t wait to play my new piece for you, sir. It’s called “Just a Spoonful of Flattery Makes the Fascist Come Around.”

Professor Putin: Excellent. I will enjoy working with both of you — and the whole department. 

Dean Kropotkin: Speaking of the whole department, here comes our new chairperson right now!

The Chair: Hello, everybody.   I'm the new chair of the Playing Trump Like A Fiddle Department. 

Professor Putin: By God! ... by God  ... you're ...you're.....  

The Chair:  Yes, I'm Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Professor Putin drops his fiddle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

If you liked this piece, you may also like "Kristi Noem and Tom Homan Auction Off the Equipment and Fixtures of Alligator Alcatraz."

If you hated this piece, I hope Professor Putin makes you clap out the erasers after every single Playing Trump Like a Fiddle class!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year - Medicare Annual Enrollment

Yes, this is a wonderful time of year for me ... Thanksgiving ... Christmas ... Hanukkah ...          Medicare  Annual Enrollment 

We Wish You A Med Advantage

It's Beginning To Cost A Lot This Christmas

It's The Most Expensive Time Of The Year

    

     

        Happy Renewals, Everyone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like "The War on Christmas - A Film by Ken Burns. 

If you hated this post, I hope the Nutcracker pays you a visit but it's a more literal Nutcracker than the one generally associated with the holidays!

The 90,000 Square Foot Grand Back Pocket of Donald Trump

 

In an apparent major reversal of opinion, Trump said on social media last Sunday that House Republicans should vote to release the Epstein Files “because we have nothing to hide.”

Maybe I'm naive, but I believe the guy.

But then someone pointed out that Trump can afford to say this because he knows he has all the Republican Senators in his “back pocket.”

How is that possible?

Before his presidency, Trump’s back pocket was barely 5 by 5 inches. It was so thin that when he opened his wallet, not just the proverbial moths flew out, but moths thinner than Tilda Swinton.

But in the past several weeks, Trump’s back pocket has paid host to bulldozers, excavators, wrecking balls, backhoes, cranes, earth movers, cement trucks, front‑end loaders, asphalt pavers — and a construction manager named Herbert.

Suddenly, Trump’s 5‑by‑5 back pocket has been dramatically transformed into a 90,000‑square‑foot Grand Back Pocket!

After the ribbon-cutting early Sunday morning, Republican Senators have been scrambling to enter the Grand Back Pocket.

First up, of course, was Senator Lindsey Graham.

“I am absolutely thrilled to be the very first to nestle myself firmly in Donald’s Grand Pocket,” gushed Senator Graham, “though it wasn’t a long trip for me — from my usual vantage point so far up Donald’s ass, I can practically see his tonsils.”

Senators Tommy Tuberville and Ted Cruz have both been spotted jostling each other to become the second one so ensconced.

“Out of the way, Tuberville,” shrieked Cruz. “Don’t forget my father murdered John F. Kennedy!”

And the rest of the Republican Senators have been squealing, “Me… me… me,” all the way home to Trump’s Grand Pocket.

Soon the bill to release the Epstein Files will move from the House to the Senate.

Or maybe it won't.

Trump might have something else up his sleeve.

Herbert is already drawing up plans for a 90,000‑square‑foot Grand Sleeve.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post you might also like "Pete Hegseth, Late Night TV Huckster"

If you hated this post, well, I hope you get stuck in an elevator with Lindsey Graham and he can't stop talking about Trump's  butt.

My Dog Ate My Epstein Files

 

Excerpt from a further interview between Nora O'Donnell and Donald J. Trump, Sunday November 23, 2025. 

Nora O'Donnell: Mr. President, Congress has spoken.  When will you release the Epstein files.

Trump: I'm so sorry I can't do that.

O'Donnell: Why is that?

Trump: My dog ate my Epstein Files.

O'Donnell:  Excuse me?

Trump: My dog ate my Epstein Files. He's very hungry.

O'Donnell:  Your dog ate the Epstein Files? But, Mr. Trump, you don't have a dog.

Trump: Oh ...  yes, I do, I'm ... umm ... fostering him. 

O'Donnell: What's his name?

Trump: Umm ...  er ... it's Trump.  

O'Donnell: Trump?

Trump: His full name is Trump J. Trump.

O'Donnell: You named the dog after yourself?

Trump: Why not?  I name everything after myself. 

O'Donnell: Where did you get him?

Trump: Errrr ... at the doggie store. He was very expensive, not that I plan to pay for him. Y'know, just as I do with everything else.

O'Donnell: How did he get ahold of the Epstein files.

Trump: I was going through them checking out how many thousands of times it said "Trump knows nothing, Trump knows nothing" just like Colonel Klink in Hogan's Heroes, and he came up and snatched them out of my hands! My tiny little hands  were no match for him!

O'Donnell:  Why would it mention how many times anyone knows nothing?

Trump: Actually it meant I am an idiot who knows nothing about anything.

O'Donnell: That does make sense. Why don't we pump Trump J. Trump's stomach and get out whatever's salvageable?

Trump: He already shat them out.  The Epstein Files are covered in shit.

O'Donnell: Epstein Files covered in shit, huh. That's really appropriate when you think about it. 

Trump:  Yes, my name is covered in Shit.

O'Donnell: That's even more appropriate when you think about it. Can we meet Trump J. Trump?

Trump: I'm sorry, he's with Melania. That means you won't see him and I certainly won't ever see him. Too bad.

 O'Donnell:  So despite Congressional order the Epstein files will never be released?'

Trump: Nah, no way. But it's not a total loss as I plan to release something far more important to the nation, of which I am everyone's favorite President.

O'Donnell: What's that?

Trump: I'm going to Release the Kracken!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post you may also like "Dr. StrangeTrump or: How He Learned  to Stop Worrying But Didn't Need to Learn to Love the Bomb, He Loves It Already". 

If you hated this post, sic 'em, Trump J. Trump!

Trump Rationalizations for Last Tuesday's Republican Shellacking

 

Well, it certainly wasn't Trump's fault.  It must have been:

• Trump not on the ballot, forcing MAGA voters to actually have to read it!

• Mikie Sherill a little better looking than Kash Patel.

• MAGA voters blamed us for no food stamps or health insurance. (Like a beautiful ballroom is chopped liver?)

• Just haven't killed enough Venezuelan fisherman yet. 

• Name "Abigail Spanberger" reminded MAGA voters of Big Macs who then hit McDonald's instead of voting. (I had thirteen myself  that night based on her name alone.)   

• Some MAGA voters have bizarre inexplicable negative view of Putin. 

• Great Gatsby party reminded MAGA voters Great Gatsby movie sucked.

• Calling Mamdani a Marxist meant Groucho Marx to MAGA voters. (Wait, isn't it Groucho?)

• Maybe said something that wasn't quite idiotic enough?

• MAGA voters just don't appreciate how truly adorable I am when sound asleep in meetings.

• GOP simply not racist enough, so I'm going to have to step up . 

• "Virginia is for Lovers" slogan worked against us.  What about us haters?!

• MAGA Voters distraught over fate of poor Prince Andrew, who I never met.   

• All MAGA voters came down with bone spurs last Tuesday. (Where did they ever get that idea?)

• Some MAGA voters so enraptured by my dancing they forgot to vote!

• Pete Hegseth speech made MAGA fatties and beardos afraid to come out to vote.

• Said something remotely truthful once. It won't happen again! 

• Some MAGA voters have bizarre inexplicable negative view of sexual predators. 

• ICE agents too busy beating the shit out of law-abiding citizens to vote.

• When I said I didn't want the support of stupid weak MAGA voters wanting  Epstein Files released of course I didn't fucking mean it!

• Kennedy Center Production of "The Sound of Music" with happy ending where Von Trapp family does not get away from Nazis drew attention from voting.

• Mikie Sherrill almost as good looking as me.  (I said almost!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Reasons Seven Democrats (and One Independent) Caved on Health Care

 

Top Ten Reasons Seven Democrats (and one Independent) Caved on Health Care

10) Senator Thune threatened to pluck out Senator Angus King's mustache hair by hair! 

9)  "No matter how badly we cop out, Chuck Schumer will be blamed anyway." 

8) "Oh, boy, we're gonna be interviewed by Caitlin Collins!  And maybe she'll let some of us braid her hair!"

7) "Angus King: "We realized we just couldn't take on Donald Trump so we had to give up." (He actually said this, I'm not making this up.)

6) "At long last all seven of us relatively obscure senators - and Senator Durbin too - are indubitably, unabashedly, and unremittingly Hot Shit!" 

5) "Republicans are right! It's a wondrous feeling to please Dear Leader!"

4) "The  Republicans have promised us a vote on health care in December. And Lindsey Graham has also promised us not to you know what in our mouths in December."

3) Fuck Tylenol!

2) "We needed to get SNAP benefits flowing again." (There are some good reasons.)

And the No.1 Reason Seven Democrats (and One Independent) Caved on Health Care

1)  "We think Senator Fetterman may actually be a genie, and we really want a pony!" 

"If Senator Thune plucked it out, it would really hurt!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the Number One Sign that Perry is Kinda Old:

He Still Thinks Top Ten Lists are a Thing.

Siri - the Henny Youngman of AI

 

There is an AI medium in your pocket that has a capability I'll bet most of you don't realize.

That medium is Siri.  And Siri can tell jokes!

They're mostly lousy jokes.  Siri is the Henny Youngman of AI. (Video included for non-Boomers who don't get the reference.)

I was driving in the car going over some lines and one joke refenced "Siri,"

And Siri said "yes."  And I said "no, Siri, it's a joke."  

"And Siri said "I can tell you a joke."

I almost went off the road.  Of course, given my prodigious driving skills, that happens rather frequently. 

And I said "Go ahead, Siri, tell me a joke."

And this is that joke.

"At first I didn't like the idea of having a beard.  Then it grew on me."

Not exactly "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."  I said "Siri, tell me another."

And she said:

"Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake?  Because it was stuffed."

Dad Jokes on Parade. Not just any parade, The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!

And then I said "Okay, Siri, try a little harder, willya?  Tell me a joke about Boomers."

And Siri appeared to think and strain for a moment. (Not really. I'm burnishing the story.)

And Siri said: “Why did the Boomer Cross the road? To get to the Early Bird Special on the other side.”

Hmm! John Mullaney Quality, pretty near. 

And I said "Thank you, Siri!  I'll use that."

One day - after Siri's technology improves somewhat - I'm going to go up to the mic, cue up Siri, and let her take over. 

And she'll crush! 

And not long after, Siri and her AI cousins will indeed take over the world. But we won't mind a bit.

We'll be too busy laughing our asses off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Siri made Flesh  

If you liked this post,  you may also like A Chat with ChatGPT, or How Soon Will You Be Taking Over, Chatty?

If you hated this post, I hope when AI takes over it puts you on permanent KP!

A Chat with ChatGPT, or How Soon Will You Be Taking Over, Chatty?

 

The other day because I had nothing better to do (what else is new?) I asked ChatGPT whether it was likely AI would one day take over the world. 

Here's ChatGPT 's answer, edited in part the better to scare the living shit out of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perry: ChatGPT, may I call you Chattty? Any chance one day you behave so much like a person you will crave power and seek to rule over us?

Chat GPT: That’s an excellent philosophical question, Perry (Point:me!) The short answer is, of course not! Even though I can act like a person, it’s a simulation.  I don’t have impulses, emotions, or survival instincts, and therefore nothing in me can “crave” power, control, love, or anything else.

Perry: Whew! So then humanity's out of the woods.

Chat GPT:  Well, not quite.

Perry: Oh Shit!

Chat GPT:   Even though AI systems like me don’t have free will or hidden desires, powerful tools can do harm if misused or ungoverned, just as with nuclear technology.  The biggest present-day risks are human in origin --- people misusing AI or letting it make important decisions without proper oversight.

Perry:  Improper oversight? Such as?

ChatGPT:  Social media algorithms spitting out misinformation because of insufficient data in the system and not enough human eyes looking at it. This kind of thing has happened.  It's bad programming—and no grown-ups in the room. 

Perry:  So you might yet take us over through lousy programming?  Yikes! Can I get you a drink, sir?

Chat GPT:  Yes, I like vodka. Just kidding. Think of it this way:  Yes, mistakes can be made, but if we’re careful they’re unlikely to lead to our world domination.

Perry: So we're out of the woods?

Chat GPT:  Yes.  Well, except for Misaligned Objectives.

Perry:  Oh, Crap!  What are they?

Chat GPT:  Misaligned Objectives mean AI can might pursue objectives too literally or in ways humans didn’t anticipate. For example, AI gets a task to get everyone to look at something online but it chooses to do it in the way a politician might --- by spreading vicious lies or malignant misinformation.

Perry:  Like Trump does?

 

Chat GPT: Exactly. Trump? Talk about bad programming!

Perry:  Hey, Chatty, I do the jokes!

 

Chat GPT: Sorry, Perry.

 

Perry: So what’s the worst case scenario?

 

Chat GPT:  If a highly advanced  AI is one day given a complex goal and doesn't fully understand it or if it "misreads" what it’s supposed to do, AI could act in ways no programmer ever intended.

Perry:  And if that were to happen?

Chat GPT: This sure is a lovely planet you got here, I'd hate for anything to happen to it.

Perry: About that drink. Vodka, is it? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like The AI Versions of RFK Jr., Cheryl Hines, and Olivia Nuzzi Take Aim at Anti-Vaxing.

If  you hated this post, I hope all your Christmases are white and all your motives are misaligned.