Sunday, March 19, 2017

Nothing to Budge About the Budget

Hey, Kid!  Fuck You!

Like you, I was critical at first when I heard the news about draconian cuts in Trump's budget for fiscal year 2018.

But as I review it now in a thoughtful manner I find the budget far less draconian than I thought. In fact, it's almost conian! Let me explain why there's nothing we've got to budge about the budget.

Meals on Wheels, initially slated to be eliminated under the budget, has now been resurrected in modified form as legislators with even the tiniest percentage of a heart (i.e. Average Republican Percentage, 2016 - 22%)  came to recognize the critical importance of underprivileged seniors being kept out of sight when they eat,  instead of having to forage for food. 

The revised program will be called Meals on Feet.  Some deliveries for dinner may be delayed until late spring the following year.

Minor cuts have also been introduced into the Headstart Breakfast Program for underprivileged children. Participating children will still receive a nourishing breakfast,  now to include scrambled eggs scraped off the walls of homes of local dysfunctional families, two small rocks, and a container of milk with an obviously obscured expiration date.

“There is no demonstrated proof that children who pass out in school do any worse than those who do not,” stated Mick Mulvaney, Director of the Office of Management and Budget.

Over at National Public Radio, afternoons at five we’ll all still be able to enjoy a slightly downscaled version of that venerable bastion of world news and affairs from all around the globe, All Things Cursorily Perused.  Fresh Air with Terry Gross will now feature Terry Gross interviewing Terry Gross for one hour five times a week, which will be every bit as fascinating as you'd think it would be.

And from now on, we'll just have to wait for Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

At the EPA, budget cuts will be limited only to those affecting the environment. Strong environmental protections remain in the budget including tough regulations regarding the dumping of hazardous waste on your birthday and lengthy prison sentences for cows who damage the ozone layer by farting. Repeat farters will be executed and used for steaks and stuff.

Some other relatively insignificant cuts have been little noticed.

The country’s supply of oxygen will run at full force during the day and turned off at night. Guys named Ralph are being dramatically cut back (if you even know one now) as are usages of the words "uvula," “antebellum,” and “verstay,” and everyone will be allowed only one shoe, which will come with a short booklet entitled "The Joys of Hopping on One Foot."
So are you still worrying about how the new budget will affect you?   I wouldn't worry much at all.

As long as you don't live in the United States, you’ll be fine.



Tracey Delaplain said...

It's about time that we take food away from seniors. They have antiquated ideas about community values and charity for your neighbors. Thank God we did away with barn building and church potlucks too. Besides, starving is faster than waiting for sane healthcare legislation. Ugh mind blown!

Russell said...

This must be a real blow, Perry, since you'd just signed up for Meals on Wheels (someone should have told Tracey). Most children chew the covers off their books anyway, so I don't see cutting the free breakfast being a big deal. Books are low in calories and high in fiber, so consider it a healthy alternative.

Have you considered changing your name to Ralph? I hear he has sex once a year. That's better than zero.