Sunday, March 19, 2017

Nothing to Budge About the Budget

Hey, Kid!  Fuck You!

Like you, I was critical at first when I heard the news about draconian cuts in Trump's budget for fiscal year 2018.

But as I review it now in a thoughtful manner I find the budget is far less draconian than I thought. In fact, it's almost conian! Let me explain why there's nothing to budge about the budget.

Meals on Wheels, which was initially slated to be eliminated under the budget, has now been resurrected in modified form.  It seems that all legislators with even the tiniest percentage of a heart (i.e. Average Republican Percentage, 2016 - 22%)  truly understood the critical importance of underprivileged seniors being kept out of sight when they eat instead of having them forage for food. 

The revised program will be called Meals on Feet.  Delivery of some meals may be delayed in states with more than a half dozen residents.

The Breakfast Program for underprivileged children has also been scaled back a bit. Participating children will receive a nourishing breakfast of scrambled eggs scraped off the walls of homes of local dysfunctional families, two small rocks, and a container of milk with an expiration date from during the Obama Administration.

“There is no demonstrated proof that children who pass out in school do any worse than those who do not,” stated Mick Mulvaney, Director of the Office of Management and Budget.

National Public Radio will experience some minor changes in programming. Fortunately every afternoon at five we’ll all still be able to enjoy that venerable bastion of world news and affairs from around the globe All Things Cursorily Perused.  Fresh Air with Terry Gross will now feature Terry Gross interviewing Terry Gross for one hour five times a week, which will be every bit as fascinating as you'd think it would be.

And from now on, we'll just have to wait for Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

At the EPA, budget cuts will be limited only to those affecting the environment. Strong environmental protections remain in the budget including tough regulations regarding the dumping of hazardous waste on alternate Sundays and lengthy prison sentences for cows who damage the ozone layer by farting. Repeat farters will be executed and used for steaks and stuff.

Some other relatively insignificant cuts have been little noticed.

The country’s supply of oxygen will run at full force during the day and be turned off at night. Seminars on “Holding Your Breath in the Era of Trump” will be scheduled for all citizens in red states.  Guys named Ralph are also being dramatically cut back (you can only talk to, hang with, or have sex with a “Ralph” once a year) as are usages of the words "uvula," “antebellum,” and “Democrat.”
So are you still worrying about how the new budget will affect you?   I wouldn't worry much at all.

As long as you don't live in the United States, you’ll be fine.



  1. It's about time that we take food away from seniors. They have antiquated ideas about community values and charity for your neighbors. Thank God we did away with barn building and church potlucks too. Besides, starving is faster than waiting for sane healthcare legislation. Ugh mind blown!

  2. This must be a real blow, Perry, since you'd just signed up for Meals on Wheels (someone should have told Tracey). Most children chew the covers off their books anyway, so I don't see cutting the free breakfast being a big deal. Books are low in calories and high in fiber, so consider it a healthy alternative.

    Have you considered changing your name to Ralph? I hear he has sex once a year. That's better than zero.