Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Ambrose, the Lobster Lover (FF)

Ambrose loved lobster.

"How's this one look to you, Mr. Ambrose?" said the waiter. "We'd be pleased to boil him alive and then rip out the tender meat from his carcass for you."

"No, he looks a little small," replied Ambrose.

"How about this one?" offered the waiter. "We could murder him and rip him asunder as well."

"I don't think so," said Ambrose.

"Well, here's a juicy one I'd love to execute for your pleasure."

“Nah,” muttered Ambrose.

Ambrose loved lobster, but he could never make up his mind which one he wanted. By the time he finally did, the lobster he chose had usually died of old age.

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I like lobster too, but it always did bother me that I was issuing a death warrant for a living creature, all so I might later say "you know, it was kind of chewy tonight."  That lobster might have had a family and been a Democrat!  Hell, he might even have been Jewish!

Well, no grisly crustacean deaths (we hope) in the stories by the other Friday Fictioneers which you can select by clicking here.

Hey, want to go out for lobster?  You're paying, of course, but as per normal, I'll take on all the guilt.

44 comments:

  1. Dear Perry,

    Lobster is treif, you know. But your story could be considered Kosher, but only if you don't eat the screen. I wouldn't think that would be Kosher...but then...So is Ambrose a vegan? And just for the sake of argument, what if the Lobster was a Republican?

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

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    1. If the lobster were a Republican, especially Donald Trump, no problem at all. Thanks, Rochelle!

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  2. Nothing with a face? Seems a tad unfair on the faceless.
    Good piece Perry.

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    1. So you're saying no problem if someone wants to cook and eat some of my dates?

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  3. I should think anyone would have trouble choosing with the waiter's descriptions of doing the poor creature in.

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    1. Definitely true, especially since the next option was going to be dropping a safe on him.

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  4. I agree with Dale, such a vivid description would send away most of the customers. But not me! :D

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    1. Such a vivid description would have me running to the police: "They're murdering lobsters in there!" But you enjoy your lobster.

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  5. Love lobster, but couldn't be responsible for its death. I'm with Ambrose, prevaricate until nature takes its course.

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    1. Problem is he now has his eyes fixed on the lobster named "Old Methusela." Looks like Ambrose may starve to death!

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  6. I'm with Dale and Lore, such descriptions of the poor lobster's demise would be off-putting at best. I have killed many a clam and mussel in hot water, feeling bad and not. Alicia

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    1. I've heard that clams frequently come back to haunt their killers. Some people have been "footed" to death. Good luck, Alicia!

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  7. I think you need to go for jellyfish next time...:-)

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    1. Jellyfish?! Is there a Peanut Butter Fish too?

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  8. I'll have the squid--hold the ink, please.

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    1. No ink? Well, then do you want the special blue ink sauce?

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  9. That was quite funny! I like that your protagonist was so undecided, and allowed the lobster to live out its days, while he decided what he wanted to do with it!
    I like all your remarks, post-story, as well!
    I am vegetarian, and I approve this message! :-)
    ~ Vijaya (used to be V-Hypnagogic Logic, and am now StrangeLander2015 at http://magicsurrealist2013.me )

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    1. Good for you for whatever reason, humanitarian or heath. I let the majority of lobsters live these days too, primarily because I can't afford lobster.

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  10. Hilarious once more, Perry. I laughed out loud at this one. I got extremely ill after eating lobster one time and haven't eaten one since. I also hate the way they're done in. I read a piece about it once. I don't know if the writer was a democrat or Jewish, but might have been a vegetarian. That waiter certainly sounds like a vegetarian. I wonder how he describes other meat and fish dishes on the menu. Well done. :D --- Suzanne

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    1. I've heard that boiling a lobster is less painful than it seems, but I have heard lobsters cry out "you know, all things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia." A fresh whole lobster shouldn't make you sick. Wonder if you ate a lobster tail, which is a different animal and comes frozen to the restaurant. They don't taste as good and can be spotty.

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  11. Amusing stuff, old chap, except for crustaceans and Republicans.

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    1. I kid Republicans, because they're an easy target for my generally liberal audience (of about 6 people). Should I begin to get more conservative followers, well, God Bless that NRA!

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  12. Well, maybe the protagonist should switch to eating oysters. Fun story, that waiter either is a star or needs a new job.

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    1. I think he needs a new job, something like landscaping: "First we massacre all the crabgrass, then we slaughter the garden pests, then we annihilate you with our excessive bill."

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  13. I have eaten lobster in the past but have not for many years because I feel like you do..I don't like the idea of killing them that way. My husband has on occasion suggested we buy lobster and cook it ourselves. I always say no. I don't think I could stand it.

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    1. In a way, it's no worse than cutting off the head of a chicken. However, I understand that in its last moments each chicken is read that passage from "A Tale of Two Cities," that it is a "far, far better thing that I do," which makes the chicken feel noble and purposeful.
      Maybe we could do something like that for the poor lobster.

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  14. If you're paying, I'll be more than happy to issue the death warrants.
    I like my lobsters boiled - not baked, steamed, nor, as Bond would say, stirred nor shaken.
    I bmob -

    bring my own bib.

    Also, I carry my own weight in gulit.

    Randy.

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    1. I was with you until "gulit." You must have meant "guilt." Oh, and I'm not paying, even if you do bring your own bib with a picture of a lobster on it. Thanks, Randy!

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  15. Ha! Ha! I like the waiter, though I suspect he might be vegan. What if Ambrose had asked for lamb?
    "Will you have the tender lamb sir? We removed him from his mother and killed it at a young age just for you."

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    1. And you should hear what the waiter says when the customer asks him to bring some "braised humans."

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  16. Loved the piece. Hilarious! Your comments are priceless.

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    1. The day you make a negative comment, Eve, is the day I have to hire you for extensive therapy!

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  17. Geez...way to ruin it for me!
    I guess I will have a salad tonight.

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    1. You mean you're going to murder those poor tomatoes?!!

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  18. Nice and funny take on the prompt.

    We bought lobster once (in sale at shoprite)..and the store steamed it for us. My 10 yr son, who loves lobster, kept saying, "It's got eyes..how can we eat it"? and he was stressed out about it...until I eventually beheaded the lobster and disposed of the offending remains :)

    We like our food : dead and without eyes

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    1. I tend to like it alive and without eyes, but maybe that's just me.

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  19. good one. i'm stumped. i don't know whether to laugh or cry.

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    1. Laugh your ass off, is what I'd prefer.

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  20. I love the language the waiter uses! I've never actually had lobster but I hear it's tasty.

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    1. Here I'll murder one for you and you can try it.

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  21. I was always told you had to boil 'em head down in the water or you could hear them scream. That thought alone keeps me from eating lobster.

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    1. True. They scream and also say their prayers in Hebrew. But, damn me, I still eat 'em!

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