Saturday, March 29, 2014

34 More Reasons Why 60 Is Not The New 40

I don't know what Boomer ever came up with the saying "60 Is The New 40," but it is awfully comforting to hear, isn't it,  fellow oldsters? 

Unfortunately it's a load of crap.  And there's no shortage of reasons why.   

Here's 34 more:


1) Before the movie came out, somebody who is 40 thought Frost Nixon was a drink.

2) Unlike somebody who is 60, somebody who is 40 thinks Dinah Shore is a place to vacation for the summer.

3) Somebody who is 60 thinks Vampire Weekend refers to AMC's programming for the Saturday and Sunday before Halloween.

4) "Never had it, never will --- Ah, ha, ha, ha!"  If you want a blank stare, try pulling that one on somebody who is 40.

6) Somebody who is 40 never heard of the Dave Clark Five while somebody who is 60 cannot believe he or she once thought "Wow, the Dave Clark Five are almost as good as the Beatles!"  

7) Unlike somebody who is 40, someone who is 60 does not think Tom Terrific is a male prostitute. 

8) Somebody who is 40 has never heard the expression "you know, it could be the Crest!" while somebody who is 60 can recite "Crest has been shown to be an effective decay preventative dentifrice that can be of significant value when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care" as if it were the Gettysburg Address.

Unlike somebody who is 60, somebody who is 40 hears America on the radio and thinks "I don't remember a song like that by Neil Young." 

 This is actor Tom Berenger at 40                    This is actor Tom Berenger at 60

11) Unlike someone who is 40, someone who is 60 would never say "how can an unattractive old dude like Jon Voight have a beautiful daughter like Angelina Jolie?"

11) Unlike someone who is 40, somebody who is 60 did not grow up with anybody named Tiffany or Brittany but did grow with someone named Emily before the name Emily became uncool before the name Emily became cool again.

12) There has never been and never will be a movie called This is 60.

13) Somebody who is 40 thinks Donna Read made It's a Wonderful Life and then must have retired from show business because you hardly ever see her in movies after that.

14) Unlike somebody who is 60, somebody who is 40 cannot understand why movies made in the 1940's do not contain bare breasts and people like Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman copulating furiously.

15) Unlike somebody who is 60, somebody who is 40 does not know what Lyndon Johnson's voice sounded like.

Stand up straight?  Stand up straight?  I AM standing up straight!

17) Unlike somebody who is 40, somebody who is 60 crosses him or herself 
whenever a celebrity in his or her 60's dies even if he or she is Jewish. 

18) Somebody who is 40 would never believe there was ever a hip guy on television named Lloyd Thaxton.  

19) When somebody who is 60 mentions that Superman shot himself, somebody who is 40 says "No, Superman fell off a horse!" 

20) "Who is Dr. Zorba?"  Let's see somebody who is 40 pull that one out of the air as the correct response to a clue in the category 1950's Television Shows on Jeopardy

21)  You think that somebody who is 40 who likes you likes you because he thinks you're a cool guy when in actuality that person who is 40 who likes you likes you because he thinks of you as being like his dad.

22)  C'mon, admit it!  You've watched that Florence Henderson Show on RTLV recently and even sort of enjoyed it.

23) Somebody who is 40 never saw the television commercial in which Robert Lamm of Chicago played the piano and sang "Where You Think You're Goin" while a very hot chick looked on adoringly and then the two of them turned to the camera and Robert Lamm said "A lot of our friends and a lot of your friends aren't around any more because they were shooting dope. We miss them."   
Yep, they never saw it.  Don't have a clue about it.

24) Somebody who is 40 can barely remember when Chevy Chase wasn't a bigger joke than anything he's ever said in any of his movies.

25) Unlike somebody who is 40, somebody who is 60 thinks Coldplay refers to the last time he put the moves on a woman.  

26) Who the fuck is that young guy hosting SNL this week anyway?

27) Somebody who is 60 is cheered that Harrison Ford is still playing action heroes.   Somebody who is 40 wonders when Harrison Ford is going to stop playing action heroes and start playing grandfathers like he's supposed to.

28) Somebody who is 40 does not remember Les Crane.

29) Somebody who is 40 not only doesn't remember the reunion of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis on the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon in 1976 but also doesn't have the slightest idea why anybody gave a shit.

30) C'mon, admit it!  You've watched that Florence Henderson Show on RTLV recently and actually enjoyed the hell out of it!

31) Somebody who is 40 has jumped on the current bandwagon and is taking selfies. The only selfie somebody who is 60  knows anything about is pretty much the same selfie he's been doing all his life.

32)   Somebody who is 40 has heard about a television show named  My Mother the Car, which was one of the stupidest TV shows ever.  You religiously watched My Mother the Car every week and were mega-upset when it was taken off the air.

33) This is Sally Struthers at 40                                  This is Sally Struthers at 60

34) Sorry. Unless you come across somebody who is 40 who is very undiscriminating, somebody who is 60 --- namely you --- can cross sex with somebody who is 40 totally off your bucket list! 




Anonymous said...

Good one on #27; and I can't believe you're dissin' the DC5.

Perry Block said...

Not dissing them. They played their part as did so many other groups, but no one could match the Beatles and the Stones. But the main thing is we remember them well, and people who are 40 weren't even born yet!!!

Russell said...

I think you should do a parody of all the old guys like Stallone and Schwarzenegger playing action hero roles while using a walker. I'm sure there would be gadgets and gizmos that would give them the power to overcome incontinence is a single bound.

Perry Block said...

Good idea! I understand in the next Indiana Jones movie, Indy - now actually older than the state of Indiana --- wheezes all over the evildoers and gives them serious colds. Unfortunately, he cannot lift the rare object they all seek, an ancient sacred Crackerjack ring. It's all in "Raiders of the Lost Wrinkles!" I've got to stop, I'm depressing myself ...'