Sunday, January 12, 2014
Rocky Mountain High
"State of Colorado, Department of Revenue, Marijuana Enforcement Division, how may I help you?"
''Cool! I like the sound of that."
"Hello, sir? May I help you?"
''Yes, you may! My name is Perry Block, and I've long been an admirer of your fair state.''
''That's very nice, sir. I'm agent Carter. What can I do for you?"
"Ever since I first spotted Colorado on the map as a small child, I said to myself: Now that's a wonderful southern state!''
"But, Mr. Block, we're in the Southwest."
"Southwest, you say? Can't believe my dear Aunt Ethel gave me such an inaccurate map! I'd be angry, but she's passed now."
"Sorry, Mr. Block. What can I do for you?"
"No, it's more like what the great state of Colorado has done for all of us! The Rocky Mountains, the beautiful lakes, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, India.Arie, the Nuggets, the Rockies, Ken Kesey ... why, John Elway, he's my main man!"
"Is that so?"
"Oh yeah! I only wish he were still out there at center ice scoring goals today!"
"I see, sir. You really do love Colorado!"
"Best place there is."
"Thank you, Mr. Block. Thank you very much."
"Y'know, Agent Carter, I just happened to have heard by chance that the sale of marijuana is now legal in Colorado.''
"Yes, that's true."
''I was wondering ... you guys have any kind of Honorary Citizen Program?"
"Honorary Citizen Program? No, we don't."
"Friend of the State Status?"
"I don't think so."
"How about a Reciprocity Policy?"
'"What's a Reciprocity Policy?"'
"I send you something from Philadelphia, you send me something back from Colorado.''
"What would you send me from Philadelphia?"
"Would you like some of our famous cheese steaks or replicas of the Liberty Bell? I can send you a whole lot of Michael Vick jerseys! I think I could get you Patti LaBelle's autograph too; I happen to know where she gets her hair done."
''And what would you like us to send you in return, Mr. Block?"
"Oh, I dunno. Well, maybe an ounce or two of your very best Mile High Mile High, Aspen Gold, or BadAss Boulder! Whatever it is you got! And please, before the weekend!"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Block, there's no Reciprocity Policy."
"How about a Pollyanna Gift Exchange? Like in grade school. I'll be your Pollyanna!"
"Sorry, I can't help you."
"Well, can you send me some medical marijuana then?"
"You're sick, Mr. Block? What illness do you have?"
"End Stage Bupkis. It's been a terrible ordeal!"
"Oh. Only thing is my wife's Jewish, Mr. Block."'
"You just said you have End Stage Nothing."
"Damn it, Agent Carter, why can't you help me? I was smoking dope before you were born! How old are you?"
"Actually, I had already given up smoking dope before you were born."
"Mr. Block, we are simply not allowed to send marijuana out of the state."
"Well, isn't there anything I could do?"
"Yes. You could move here."
"But I don't wanna live in the south!"
"Mr. Block, I told you, we're in the Southwest."
''Oh, who gives a crap where your crummy state is!"