Monday, January 27, 2014

Alarmist Weather at 6:00

This is a special expanded edition of Action News at 6:00! 

Featuring Simpkin Valley's No. 1 News Team, with Alarmist Weather and Obsessive Compulsive Sports!  And now,  Jim Gorson!

"It began this morning and has continued unabated throughout the day. Its impact is being dramatically felt throughout the region, and in an already record year for Simpkin Valley weather, it represents the latest blast from a very fickle and unpredictable Mother Nature. 

Good evening, I'm Jim Gorson.  Our big story tonight is of course the weather, and we'll have special reports and team coverage as to conditions across the Simpkin Valley, as well as our exclusive up-to-the-minute Alarmist Weather Five and One Half Day Forecast.

We begin today's special expanded program with Alarmist Weather top meteorologist and hottest weather babe Cecilia Tyson ...''

"Jim, Doppler Radar says it all.  You can see these rolling bands of cold air that poured into our area from Canada early this morning only to slam into warmer air from the south ---Hilton Head to be specific --- which caused the temperature to suddenly drop 12 to 15 degrees!  As a result, today we had:

Sunshine, a light breeze, and temperature of 74 degrees. An unusually lovely day for the middle of July.  Jim?"

"Cecelia,  the big question on everyone's mind ---  accumulation!  What are we looking at when all this is over?"

"Jim, since the moderate temperatures began this morning  the hours have rapidly been accumulating! Current accumulations are 4-5 hours, and the hours will continue to accumulate throughout the evening, overnight, and into tomorrow morning's rush hour."

"So, Cecelia, accumulations of up to 12 hours are possible?"

"Yes, Jim, as much as "a foot" of hours is possible! And I'll be back with the complete exclusive Alarmist Weather Five and One Half Day Forecast later in this special expanded edition of Action News at 6:00.  Jim?

"Thank you, Cecilia! Now we'll begin our team coverage of conditions around Simpkin Valley with Chad Wandly in Mt. Hubert.  How are the roads where you are, Chad?"

"Rapidly deteriorating, Jim! As a result of many spontaneous picnics and pool parties due to the weather, there's near gridlock on Mt. Hubert Drive and it's not expected to get any better."

"Thanks, Chad!  Now you get yourself right back inside safe from any charcoal briquette fumes, and we'll be checking in with you later. And now over to Kate Salvo in Upper Molarsby.   Kate, looks like you have a special guest."

"Sure do, Jim. With me is Bert Jones of the Upper Molarsby Department of Streets.  Mr. Jones, will the city be doing any treatment of the road surfaces this evening in light of the weather?"

"No, Kate."

"Why not?"

"Because the roads are clear and driving conditions excellent."

"Are there any plans to reassess as the hours accumulate?"  

"None whatsoever." 

"What would be your advice, Mr. Jones, to anyone thinking of going out driving tonight?"

"If you absolutely have to go out,  there's no need to exercise extreme caution.  If you don't have to go out, you might think about going out anyway. "  

"I hope everyone is listening, Mr. Jones.  Jim?"

"Thank you, Kate and Mr. Jones.  And I would add, and this is very important:  

If you do have to be somewhere tonight,  you should not --- I repeat, should not --- allow yourself extra time. This is a good night to fart around, make phony phone calls, look at pornography on the web, do whatever else you want to do, and you'll still probably get where you're going on time! "

"Jim, this just in! The National Weather Service is calling for moderate temperatures to continue through Wednesday. That means additional  accumulations of up to 48 hours!"

"Thanks, Cecelia and hold on to your hats, folks!  We'll take a break for Jack Hartley with Obsessive Compulsive Sports and then right back to Alarmist Weather.  This is your  expanded Action News at 6:00 with Alarmist Weather and Obsessive Compulsive Sports!  

I'm Jim Gorson.


Unknown said...

Good stuff, Perry. If only it were true....

Perry Block said...

If Alarmist Weather says it's true, Adam, it is true. Thanks for commenting.

Russell said...

That weather girl must be related to Chicken Little.

Perry Block said...

Stop talking about my dick, Russell!

N/A said...

Oh I want to live in this world.... no traffic and lots of sunshine. Perry, you terrible tease.

Perry Block said...

No, you're teasing me! I got the whole place set up. Are you coming?

Anonymous said...

At times, this isn't different much from the regular news with "freaks of snow" of up to 1-2"
by tomorrow!

Perry Block said...

Scott, who says this isn't the regular news? Thanks for writing!

Anonymous said...

That’s a lot of accumulation!