Friday, June 8, 2012

You're Better Off, the More They Piss You Off

What's a Fella to Do?

In my early twenties I first noticed that some of my hair follicles were beginning to frolic and detour off the top of my head.
“This is the worst tragedy that could ever happen to anyone!” I cried, casually dismissing illness, natural disasters, and the end of the world as we know it.

Off I went to the dermatologist.

“You have the beginnings of male pattern baldness,” he told me casually.

In other words, a death sentence.  
“What can I do?!” I wailed.

“The best you can do,” he counseled “is develop a philosophic acceptance of the situation.”

Philosophical acceptance of the situation? 

Maybe the philosopher Plato could develop philosophic acceptance of the situation, but he spent most of his life in a cave anyway.

Since then I've been scouring the market for hair strengthening and thickening products, and I’ve got some advice for you about choosing the right stuff.

1) Always check the product label. Avoid hair admixtures described with gentle judicious wording like:

"Marginally Improves the Look of Thinning Hair a Tad Bit"

With namby-pamby wording like that, you’ll be lucky if you receive as much cosmetological assistance as a bad comb over.

2) Seek out products that honestly assess your specific hair condition and weaknesses.  For years I’ve used a product described as being:

"For Fine, Thin, Limp Hair"




The only adjective missing is “Appalling!

But the stuff works.

3) The Moral?

The more insulting and offensive the product description, the more likely you are to get results.

So, always seek hair products labeled:

For Hair-Free Losers Like You!

Thickens Hair So Even You Might Score!
Just Buy This, You Bald Asshole!
Trust me. 

You’re Better Off, the More They Piss You Off.



Leona said...

LOL ;)

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Leona!

I appreciate someone such as yourself who obviously needs none of these products writing in. Must seem like science fiction to you!

Have a good night ....