Thursday, July 28, 2011

Dear Mr. President ....


Date: August 3, 2011

To: The United States of America
       c/o President Barack Obama 

Subject: Interest Payment on Loan No. 2011-13C

Dear Mr. President:

Please be advised that as of today you have missed a payment of interest due on the above captioned loan. The amount now due and payable is $68,000,000,000.47, covering interest, late fees, and a touch of hush money to keep this letter out of the hands of Rupert Murdoch.

As you recall, Loan No. 2011-13C was arranged to provide financing for you to provide tax, farming, and tanning/bronzing subsidies for the wealthiest .5% of Americans, six (6) month’s salary for one of the two (2) annoying brothers on Car Talk (the only currently permissible funding for the Arts per your Republican Party), and two lattes at Starbucks Coffee in Havertown PA.

We are sorry we had to turn you down for a smoothie, but it rendered the financial risk just too steep.

Perhaps you have simply overlooked this obligation.  Maybe you left your wallet in your other suit.  Oh, your other suit is at the dry cleaners,  and you don’t have the money to reclaim it? 

Well, just ask the dry cleaner to hand back the wallet!   You are the President of the United States, man! 

In some circles, you’re still perceived as having clout.

Please be advised that if you do not make payment of the above amount within five (5) days of the date of this letter, we will turn the matter over to the law firm of Ginsberg, Hirschberg, Feinberg, and Mishkin. Lotsa luck taking them on when your Michele Bachmann cannot even pronounce the word “chutzpah!”

Please also keep in mind that we have liens on everything in your country.  If necessary, we will foreclose on any and all assets necessary to satisfy the debt, including:

~ your Mount Rushmore,

~ your Grand Canyon,

~ your other suit, and

~ the armored and booby-trapped vault that contains your nation’s most heavily guarded and strategically valuable secret: Whether it really, truly is Oprah and Steadman, or  Oprah and Gayle, as even we suspect!

Please do not compel us to take this action. 

Very truly yours, 

The People’s Republic of China,  a/k/a

The Money Store


Anonymous said...

I knew it! I knew it! I should have taken that "Learn to Speak Chinese Like a Native Mao" course a few years ago, when the offer was only for a few millions yen. Dang! Anyone reading this willing to pirate out a copy to me? Pretty please?

K.D. McCrite said...

You are completely nuts. I laughed so hard I nearly choked myself. And I don't have medical insurance, so you'll have to pay my hospital bill when they resuscitate me.

Perry Block said...

Learn to speak Chinese? Better to learn to count in Chinese. And really, really high ....

Perry Block said...

Sorry, by the time they resuscitate you, nobody's going to have the money to pay your hospital bill, let alone me.

Best bet is probably to send the bill to Michele Bachmann ....