The Facebook Page of David Lynch

                             
                
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David Lynch

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(Note: This is a parody. This is not actually written by David Lynch or it would be weirder.  Probably way weirder.)

Hi!  I'm famed director David Lynch and this is my Facebook page.  I'm glad you decided to stop by and spend some time.  Contrary to what you might think, I'm just a regular guy like all the rest of you.  I mow my lawn on a Saturday, take the kids to the mall on a Sunday, and subvert all that's human and decent in the world the rest of the week. Come join me.

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I do love me my cat videos, but it's so hard to find good ones anymore. Here's one that I'm sure will warm your heart and leave you with a smile.  It's a video of a little kitty being swallowed whole by a snake with a surprisingly huge unhingeable jaw. Enjoy, Facebook Friends!    

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Nothing is more fun than looking at posts of the breakfast, lunch, and dinners of my Facebook Friends.  Anywho, here's the lunch I was privileged to enjoy this afternoon --- honey baked ham, swiss cheese, selected vermin, and ammonium nitrate, all cooked to perfection. I had two helpings and then puked my guts out.  Woo-hoo! 

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BTW,  I've loved puke ever since my days living in Philadelphia, no comparison intended. Here's a quick pic below. Wanna see more? A Comprehensive Retrospective of David Lynch Vomit, 1974-2003 is just a click away on my website ... 

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If there's one American entertainer I truly adore, it's the Polish Prince himself, Mr. Bobby Vinton!  I've been privileged to catch the ageless Mr. Vinton's act a number of time in beautiful Branson Missouri.  Here he is beltin' out the ever lovely "Blue Velvet," the song that has made him an American favorite with folks of all ages. Afterwards Frank Booth and I went backstage and the three of us engaged in a wide variety of sadomasochistic acts.

                                                               Bobby Vinton - Blue Velvet.mp4

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WOOT! I'm delighted to share with you the news that I have been tapped to direct my very first Rom Com entitled "When Larvae Met Sally." Not to tip off too much here, but get this:  it's New Year's Eve and Larvae realizes for the first time he loves Sally, but she's leaving on a plane to England to marry the Elephant Man. Can Larvae slither after her in time? I'm melting hearts here!

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Here's a lovely shot of Isabella Rossellini at a fun picnic the two of us went on together during the filming of Blue Velvet.  What a beautiful afternoon! We went to a nearby park where we ate sandwiches and drank ice tea, nuzzled together on a blanket, and smeared fresh blood all over each other to see if we could attract savage man-eating bears. No such luck. Phooey!

     

                        

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To her, I'm just "the Hubs."  I call her the "bi-i-i-t-c-h."  Know why? Frankly I've been married so many times I don't remember my wife's actual name!  Here the bi-i-i-t-c-h" and I are posing with BFFs Russell Brand and some random guy. Following the taking of this picture I performed an emergency frontal lobotomy on Russell and afterwards he seemed much more normal, and way funnier.

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 You may want to take this Buzzfeed quiz, especially if your life is so impoverished you have no earthly better thing to do which is likely since you're sitting in the house on a nice day like this huddled over my Facebook page. Which David Lynch character are you?

a) Frank Booth (even I hope not)

b) Some character or other from Dune, nobody's seen it anyway

c) Henry Spencer (but only his hair)

d) The Elephant Man

e) Actress Laura Elena Herring's prodigious left boob

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Here I am with fave gal pals Betty Elms, Rita, Diane Selwyn, and Camilla Rhodes.  Now if you're wondering why there are only two women in the picture and four names in the post, you need to watch Mulholland Drive another half dozen times or so.  Maybe even more. If you still don't get it, don't worry. There's always Adam Sandler movies.

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Did you know that just like Agent Cooper, I give myself a present every day of two cups of good, hot, back coffee?  I even have my own special blend, possessed of just a hint of a secret ingredient which provides it with a distinctive richness, aroma, and flavor. Delicious! You can order by clicking below.  Drink up, my Facebook Friends!

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A Baby Boomer Looks (and Winces) at Tattoos

Back in the sixties and early seventies, we --- that is, we Boomers --- grew our hair to our shoulders, wore ripped jeans and open toed sandals, and sat in full lotus position on the grass around some freak with a guitar who was  playing and singing, often rather badly, “.... by the time we got to Woodstock, we were half a million strong ….”

That was cool!

But today, Generation X and Generation Y have determined something else is cool. Something shocking. Something unimaginable.

Yep! Millennials, as you know, think tattoos are cool. 

The only tattoo Baby Boomers ever thought was cool was Herve Villechaize from Fantasy Island!

These days tattoos of all shapes and sizes sprout everywhere about our incredulous heads. They’re on movie and TV stars, younger office mates, dads and moms at the mall, and soon doubtless coming to doctors, lawyers, and --- despite biblical prohibition --- even rabbis near us!

We Boomers can only scratch our heads, lecture our children prophylactically, and have another drink.

Boomers connote tattoos with bikers, drunken sailors on shore leave, and guys with knocked out teeth and greased back hair who might have readily killed Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda in Easy Rider if those two old rednecks in the pick-up trunk hadn’t done it first. We grew up thinking tattoos were low-rent, anti-counter culture, and totally at odds with whatever was natural and healthful for our bodies, like smoking pot.

But then came the 1990’s, a decade in which a long recessive mutant gene began to assert itself like Joan Rivers on the red carpet at some third-rate awards show. Placing sharp vibrating needles into human flesh as if it's cattle branding time at the Ponderosa somehow came to be thought of not as a punishment for serious turpitude, but as a joyful route to human disfigurement.  The new era of the tattoo was born.

Anymore it’s hard to find an athlete or movie star who believes tabula rasa is an acceptable approach to one's epidermis.  Younger folk today adorn their bodies with all manner of floral and faunal designs, calligraphically rendered sayings and saws, and the inscribed names of beloveds, ex-beloveds, and ex-ex-beloveds until one’s thighs and buttocks resemble the innards of the Manhattan phone book!

Actress Angelina Jolie may be one of the most beautiful women in the world, but her body’s been marked up more thoroughly than the first draft of a term paper. With her lower back festooned with a crudely realized etching of Shere Khan rejected from a early edition of Kipling’s The Jungle Book, Ms. Jolie achieves the remarkable feat of being more appealing to most Boomer guys with her clothing on rather than off!

" Where is the Man Cub?"

It’s just another Generation Gap, you say? Not a bit different than when our parents gasped aloud that first Christmas Break we came home with hair that covered our ears? Well, maybe …. but just a few years later our parents were all growing their hair as best they could, wearing flared pants, and watching Dick Cavett.

I kind of doubt in a couple of years many boomers will be splashing into Plus 55 Water Aerobics with a “Hey, Bernie, dig this gigantic pulsating heart I got me etched in my crotch!”

I suppose, after all, that the lesson of our era, the sixties and seventies, was that all of us are different, and it’s not ours to judge each other’s tastes and preferences. So, I guess I’ll just leave the millennials to their beloved tattoos. I sincerely hope they’ll be happy for the rest of their lives with bodies that are oddly reminiscent of a walking Rorschach test designed by an insane psychiatrist.

Me? I’ll keep dreaming about that shoulder length hair I can never again re-grow. 

To each, his own cool!

Now that’s something I might be willing to have a tattoo of!

Look, Boss! Our Favorite Tattoo 

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