Tuesday, January 22, 2013

James Madison: The Conspiracy Begins ...

Wake Up America!

He's coming to take your guns!  And he won't stop until he's gotten each and every one of them, despite the fact that he's been dead almost 180 years and when he was alive, he was ....well ... kind of short and stumpy, to be honest.

OMG! Who's coming to take my guns? 
Got your attention, didn't we? 

You sure have!  Is it  Barack Hussein Obama?  Chuck Schumer?  Somebody else who's been known to  speak in full sentences?

Well, who then?
James Madison.  

James Madison? Isn't he the guy who wrote the Second Amendment?
Yep! And he screwed it up. On purpose.

Because he was a member of the anti-gun liberal elite establishment.  And being 5 foot four probably had a little something to do with it as well! 

Wasn't his wife the famous Dolley Madison?

Gun-hating commie slut! We can only guess what  Madison spent his days and nights doing when he should have been busy loading and fondling his musket!

How did James Madison intentionally screw up the Second Amendment? 
Here is a copy of the text of the Second Amendment, Blessed Be IT!  You'll notice the part about ...

Militias,  of course.  But that's never been a problem .... 
But we don't have militias today!  No militias = no right to bear arms, and Comrade Madison knew this day was coming!  

Then why don't we just form some militias? 
Because we're not talking about good old-fashioned god-fearin' militias whose purpose is to attack the United Nations.  Madison was talking about militias for the purpose of maintaining order, serving the citizenry in the event of a crisis ... y'know, actually doing good for people!

Well, maybe we can trump up a reason to form some militias, then we could all have guns
Then maybe one or two of us could have guns!  To be in a militia under the law in Madison's time you had to be white, between the ages of 18 and 45,  and male! Hell, we won't even be able to have "his n' hers" monogrammed AR 15's anymore!

But a dangerous radical like this Madison guy can't get away with stuff like this, can he?
I'll have you know that in 1809 Madison successfully seized control over the entire United States government!  And he was not removed from power until 1817!

Wow! Bet it was a good old-fashioned god-fearin' militia that removed him. 
Uh, yeah.  That's exactly right. 

What can we do to stop Madison's evil scheme to destroy the Second Amendment?
Fortunately the Supreme Court has blown off the whole militia concept and opened up guns to everybody!  When the Court interpreted the meaning of the Second Amendment, Blessed Be It, in District of Columbia v. Heller, they completely ignored the original intent of the language about militias as drafted by Madison and as ratified and agreed to by two-thirds of the states!  Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Yeah, interpreting the Constitution according to strict original intent is dumb. The Constitution is a living document that ...
Wait a minute; that's true in this case.  Otherwise, shut the hell up!  

But if the Supreme Court has already ruled in our favor, why are we so worried about Madison?
Because I had to come up with something.  All the other crackpot conspiracy theories are taken!

Why don't we  just accept a reasonable level of gun control?  What's the big deal anyway? 
I knew it!  

Dolley Madison's liberal boobs have gotten to you too!


Russell said...

Gee, and I thought she just made little cakes and pastries. Now I get it. That's the bait she uses to lure simpletons like me who lust for . . I mean, enjoy big . . never mind. What were we talking about again??

Perry Block said...

Yeah, Russell, I guess we've learned here it wasn't her face that made her so popular.

And I never knew the man who wrote the Second Amendment was so anti-gun. I myself have nothing against the Second Amendment. In fact, it's my favorite misinterpreted Amendment to the Constitution!

As always, thanks for writing, Russell. It's lonely here in the Comments section on the non-Friday Fictioneers posts.