Thursday, June 3, 2010

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Once upon a time in a lovely green valley by a lake --- where the price for buildable lots was so high you could never hope to afford one --- there stood a charming cottage in which Blog, a young bunny,  and Mother and Father Bunny lived. 

Blog was generally a happy little bunny except for one thing --- he was ashamed of his ugly sounding name.

“Why do I have a horrible name like Blog?” he asked Mother and Father Bunny.

“It was supposed to be Bob,” explained Mother Bunny, “but Dad burped when he said the name to the Register of Bunny Names and unfortunately the clerk wrote down “Blog.”

Now there was a law in the land where Blog and Mother and Father Bunny lived that forbade bunnies from changing their names.

It was called the “Jennifer and Jason Act,” passed by a group of bunnies born in the 70’s who were afraid their really cool names might be yanked away and they’d be saddled with annoying 90’s names like Max, Zachery, and Carlotta.

Despite sadness over his horrible name, Blog was always happy when Mother Bunny read to him at bedtime. He especially loved two books: “The Little Engine that Gave Up and went for a Beer” and “Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown.”

Mother Bunny read these two books to him over and over. She would have read them to him under and under, as well as in between and in between, if only those two idiotic statements made any sense.

Of the two, Blog especially adored “Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown.”

It taught a wonderful lesson about bitterness, acrimony, and revenge, and had pop-up pictures too! It told the tale of Twitter, a beautiful young bunny with a lovely smile and pretty blue eyes, who was cast as the ingénue in an upcoming warm-hearted children’s book “The Runaway Bunny” by Margaret Wise Brown.

Twitter was brutally fired by Margaret Wise Brown, who thereupon replaced her with some no-talent male bunny she was rumored to be sleeping with. The meanest children’s author this side of Eric Carle, Ms. Brown was known on the set of an earlier book, “Goodnight Moon,” to make the Bowl of Mush cry.

Twitter was undaunted. She began networking on LinkedIn and made history by becoming the first person ever to make successful use of LinkedIn’s moronic Endorsements feature.

Before long, she attracted the attention of a children’s book author named Perry Block.

Their collaboration led to “Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown,” which quickly went viral after being selected for Oprah’s Book Club. It vastly outsold “The Runaway Bunny,” the first edition of which included an ill-advised chapter showing a scantily-clad Margaret Wise Brown and the no-talent Bunny vacationing in Majorca.

How Blog admired Twitter! 

“And what a beautiful name!” Blog thought. “How could anybody ever say that you could waste time with Twitter?” 


In a few years, little Blog grew tall and came of age.

One day he announced to Mother and Father Bunny that he was going out into the world to seek his fortune.

“I would like to meet Twitter before I begin,” said Blog. “I googled her and I know where I may find her.”

“By the way even ‘Google’ would have been a better name for me.”

The next day, Blog bid Mother and Father Bunny farewell and set off on his journey, making his way out of the lovely green valley by a lake --- where the price for buildable lots was so high you could never hope to afford one --- and where there stood the charming cottage in which he, Blog, a young bunny, and Mother and Father Bunny lived.

In a few days Blog arrived at the address he had googled for Twitter.

“But what is this?” exclaimed Blog!

The sign in front of the address said:

Hoppity’s House of Hotties!

Blog entered.

Red flocked wallpaper. A fat pig with a cigar playing an upright piano. Steve Buscemi!

Blog realized he wasn’t in Kansas anymore.

“Where … where can I find Ms. Twitter?” Blog stammered to a large animate rubber ball standing just inside the door, who was in fact ‘the Bouncer.’

“She’s in the back, Mac!” said the Bouncer.   He was also a poet.

Blog made his way to the back of the building. Through a half open door he saw a wan, pale, painfully thin young bunny he recognized as Twitter, his hero.

“Ms. Twitter,” Blog called hoarsely, “Ms. Twitter...”

Twitter turned and gave a half-smile. “Yes, do I know you?” she said.

“Ms. Twitter, I’ve been a huge fan of “Twitter Sticks it to Margaret Wise Brown” ever since I was a small bunny. You are my role model!”

Oh, sure!" sighed Twitter. "I’m a role model like Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott in the movie ‘Role Models,’ also starring Jane Lynch. I’m sorry to disappoint you. Hope you haven’t traveled far.”

 “May I ask what happened?”

“My life was once wonderful, just as in my book. I was hanging with Oprah and Gayle, signed to do big budget book with Curious George, Rowling’s people were at the doorstep! Then it happened.”

What happened?”

“The older man who wrote the book, Perry Block, turned on me! He stole all the money, saw to it that I got nothing, and began spreading vicious lies that I … that I was doing it like a bunny!”

Twitter broke off in loud sobs!

(Author’s Note: The above allegations are the subject of litigation and are unproven. And I am NOT an older man!)

"Imagine," sobbed Twitter, "me, doing it like a bunny!  I don't even get poked on Facebook."

“So you had no options,” Blog said quietly.

"I had to eat,” said Twitter, “but I couldn’t even get a walk-on in a Captain Underpants book!”

Just then, a loud voice bellowed from outside the dressing room
 “Twitter doll, time to give the customers some yum-yum!”

 Blog saw the look of terror in Twitter’s still beautiful blue eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I have to go on now …”
“Twitter,” said Blog, “this might seem crazy, but I have an idea. I’m going out into the world to seek my fortune. Why don’t you come with me?”
Twitter looked as if she’d been struck by an anvil from a Warner Brothers cartoon! In fact, since this is a children's story, she was struck by an anvil from a Warner Brothers cartoon.
 “Why … why would you do that for me?”
“I know you don’t really know me, but I've known you all my life.”
“I think I trust you, but …”
“Twitter, I would never!” said Blog. “I don’t even have HBO.”
“If you’re sure I won’t be a burden.”
Blog couldn’t believe his ears!
Yes, they were long, furry, and stood straight up from the top of his head, but he should have been used to that by now!
Twitter got ready to go, and she and Blog were soon outside and on the road. Where they were headed, neither of them yet knew.
 But somehow it didn’t matter.

“You know,” said Twitter, “I don’t even know your name.”

Oh no! What if Twitter thought his name was stupid?
What if she thought his name sounded like “Bob” if you burped when you said it?
What if she no longer wanted to go?

“My name’s Blog,” he muttered nervously.

Blog,” said Twitter.
Twitter repeated it again.Blog,” she said slowly and thoughtfully.
“I think that’s a very nice name.”
“You think that?!” sputtered Blog, amazed. “Why?”
“Because it’s the name of someone who cares.”

For the first time in his life, Blog was no longer ashamed of his name.

Actually, he was kind of proud of it!

And in that very moment, Blog felt like a million bucks --- which would have been many times over what you’d need to buy a buildable lot in that lovely green valley, by a lake, where there stood the charming cottage in which he, Blog, a young bunny, had once lived. 

The End 


With apologies to Eric Carle and to the memory of Margaret Wise Brown, both of both I’m sure were and are very nice. 

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And very gracious thanks to Mooshe Nickerson for her terrific original illustrations that accompany this story.


Melinda said...

Brilliant and funny! It's like the PG version of children's books! :)

Perry Block said...

Thank you very much, Melinda.

I actually love the story too. It's probably my favorite piece among everything I've written because the humor actually does tell a story that's kind of sweet.

At the same time, it comments on social networking and the sometimes bizarre words and concepts employed as part of this new facet of the human experience.

And who among us doesn't feel like Blog some of the time? Or in my case, just about every waking moment!

I really appreciate your kind words. Think there's a market for me in the Netherlands?

Best Regards,


Melinda said...

The Netherlands is quite liberal (or still is, after the elections) and open to new and different kinds of art forms, literary and otherwise so am pretty sure there is a place for you!

I like your piece, because it is quite a refreshing take on Twitter and Blog which are much written about in different articles, but almost always in similar ways.

Perry Block said...

Thanks again, Melinda. I think I may move to the Netherlands because nobody in the United States writes me nice letters like you do. In fact, for the most part, nobody in the United States writes me anything at all.

I don't even get letters from people telling me I suck! At least that would be recognition of a sort.

As for "Twitter & Blog," I first conceived the piece while contemplating the fact that "blog" is without doubt the ugliest word in the English language. This is not a word we've been stuck with since ancient times; we inflicted it on ourselves. Were Merriam and Webster being held at gunpoint when they approved this trainwreck of a word into the offical cannon of English usage?

I sure hope so. No other explanation makes sense.

Anyway, from there it seemed very natural to me to make "Blog" into a well-meaning, good-natured bunny plagued by the sound of his own name. At this point, it's hard for me to even think of the words "Twitter" and "Blog" as anything other than the names of these two bunnies, kindred souls hopefully on their way to some very happy times ahead.

Just so long as they don't name any bunny children after their dad!

Best Regards,


Deana Wilmink-Martina said...

Hey Perry, guess what; I like your story/post too and I live in the Netherlands too. Isn't this a coincident?

But I also noticed that you tweeted that you now know that "blog" comes originally from the word web-log.

I think most people didn't have a chance to see your story yet or, didn't have the patience to read such a "long" story.
You know that on the internet people don't read long stories. In this case a long blogpost.

Here I mean, "most people" don't do that.
And then on the internet you seem to have to tell people to leave a comment if you want them to do that.

I just started to follow you on twitter.
So, I'll come back to read your blog.

Best Regards, from the Netherlands,
Deana Wilmink-Martina

Perry Block said...

Thank you very much, Deana!

I'm definitely moving to the Netherlands! Stay with you until I get a place?

I take breakfast about 10:00.

Best Regards,


Deana Wilmink-Martina said...

You're welcome, Perry. I live in a small village in the North of the Country-side. I live with my husband and our two grown sons, both students, and our dog, pointer.

But there are a lot of houses for sale in our village.
On my blog you can see some info and photo's of the village, even my front door is on one of the photo's (LOL).My blog is not yet as I would want it to be.

If there is one thing I already have, what I wanted to have, that I call success; it is having the time for myself to fill in as I want to.

I'm working on the abundance of money now.(LOL)

Best Regards,
Deana Wilmink-Martina

Perry Block said...


Thank you, but I think I'll hold up on any move just yet.

I've got a 15 year old to get through college and buy other stuff for, and the Philadelphia Phillies, slumping a bit right now, rely on me so for moral support.

I'm also tied up with that damn abundance of money you also wrote about. What ever does one do with all this?

Best Regards,


well read hostess said...

Fantastic!!! LOVE IT! And, of course, validates my belief that the word "blog" is heinous.

Perry Block said...

Well Read,

Well said!

I too have marveled at how this barf bag of a word has been so blithely accepted into the English language. When I refer to anyone as a "blogger," I feel like I'm an English guy insulting them.

If you come up with a better word, let me know because I'm sick of being insulted by English guys!

Marisa Birns said...

I've noticed that in all the comments, you have not addressed the issue of stealing all of poor bunny Twitter's money.

Just wait until Easter! You'll be sorry.

Perry Block said...


I did not steal Twitter's money.

I believe Andrew Breitbart is behind this assasination of my fine, noble, and youthful character.

If what I suspect is true, I'm going to tell my newfound buddies at @rightnetwork. They'll be supporting President Obama when I get through with them.

By the way, I floated Twitter a couple of bucks last Christmas to tide her over. You should do the same. Blog ain't no millionaire, you know.