I Am A Backwards Phillies Baseball Cap And I'm Sorry But I Simply Don't Belong on Perry's Head

Hey, Perry, thanks for buying me.

I am a Backwards Phillies Baseball Cap.  I was made to be that way. 

You and I are gonna have a a lot of fun together, you riding me backwards on your head, me proudly aloft, both of us playing softball, hanging with buds, and of course checking out the ladies.

Yep, it's gonna be a good life!

Wait a minute!  There's something wrong here.  My spidey sense is tingling!

Perry, you watch "Only Murders in the Building.""

You find Helen Mirren and Dame Judi Dench oddly attractive.

Lately you've been considering a reverse mortgage and you don't even need one but you're a sucker for Tom Selleck.

This looks bad, very bad.  Oh no!

You drink two Ensures every day!

OMG, Perry Block, you're 75 years old!!!

How were you allowed to buy me?  What kind of people are they hiring at Rally Sports these days?  Baseball cap sadists?  

Didn't anyone tell you there's an age cutoff  for wearing Backwards Phillies Caps? 

By most authorities that cutoff is 35 years old, but some other authorities rate it even younger.  Keynesian economist Paul Krugman, who is also an expert on Baseball Capology, has written extensively on the subject and has designated 27 as a more accurate cutoff.  

And he has a Nobel Prize. 

Didn't they tell you that wearing a backwards baseball cap while 75 is against the law in most jurisdictions? True, it's only a misdemeanor in Philadelphia but should Phillies Karen spot us she'll call the authorities and you'll face charges while I'll spend the rest of my life on top of that goofy short gray haircut trolling for baseballs and  grabbing them out of the hands of decent folk from coast to coast!

Oh, Perry, please take me to Backwards Phillies Baseball Cap Rescue and rehome so that I may be worn backwards by a freckled faced kid named Skippy who spends his lazy summer afternoons at the old fishin' hole.

What am I saying! I don't want to live in a Norman Rockwell painting!

Okay, Perry, you seem like a very nice person.  Actually I wouldn't go that far but at least you're not a shit.  I guess I could get used to you wearing me forward in that old guy style which makes you look like you could be Nick Castellanos' gardener.

I guess things could be worse.

I  could be a Backwards Mets Baseball Cap.

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"I just can't abide that goofy short gray haircut!"

Federal Troops Come to Havertown PA

 

I was a little surprised when I first heard what Trump was up to several weeks ago.

"I'm sending the National Guard and Federal Troops to Havertown Pennsylvania," he pronounced during a state visit with the Sultan of Brunei. "It is a Democrat run municipality - that is part of a county that is part of a township - that is out of control with crime and nobody feels safe to leave their homes to go to the local Wawa to get themselves a hoagie, not even Jason Kelce!"

I had to agree. There'd been a run of jaywalking incidents of late, some doggy poop not completely scooped up so residents had to step around it, and true, I hadn't seen Jason Kelce - Havertown's most celebrated resident - at Wawa of late. (Not that I've ever seen Jason Kelce except on television.)

Last week, there came a knock at the door.

"Mr. Block, open up, it's General Kropotkin!"

OMG, was the Department of War coming down on me? What had I done?

"Come in, General," I sputtered,  "what can I do for you?"

"We need your help, Mr. Block.  Can we count on you to let us know if you spot anything suspicious?"

"Of course you can, General!  My middle initial is "S" for Snitch."

The next day a battalion of over 1,000 armed troops, locked and loaded, fanned out across Havertown, many hundreds splayed out between the YMCA, the breakfast nook, and the florist. True to my pledge, I informed General Kropotkin that one of my neighbors was putting out his garbage and recycling by the curb before, not after, the municipality's allowable time of 3 PM, and looking quite self-satisfied and smug about it at the time .

I had made good my pledge.

 

 After a week, there was another knock at the door

"We're leaving now, Mr. Block, we discovered that Jason Kelce hasn't been to Wawa not because of rampant crime but because he's been busy getting fitted with a tuxedo for his brother's wedding."

"So that's why I haven't seen him at Wava"

"Thanks for your service, Mr. Block."

"Thank you for YOUR service, General!"

"You're welcome.  Oh, I picked up your newspaper, here it is."

"Thank you."  

"BTW, I'm glad you read the Inquirer."

"Why's that?" 

"Because it's relentlessly liberal! If more people read it, we could get that bastard Trump out of office so I could get back to doing what I was trained for!"

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Kristi Noem and Tom Homan Auction Off the Equipment and Fixtures of Alligator Alcatraz

"Morning, Warden Mordant.  How are you?"

"Lousy, Claire!  I can't believe Alligator Alcatraz is closing and I'm out of my brutal, sadistic job. Are there any messages?"

"No, but there's two very strange looking people in your office. One has an artificial plastic looking face and the other is a glowering old man!"

Well, I'll just open the door and see ... OMG, it's the Joker and the Penguin!

"No, no, Warden Mordant, I'm Kristi Noem and this is Tom Homan!"

"Well, sorry, you two, but that's a natural mistake."

"We're here, Warden Mordant, because President Donald Trump,❤️ Blessed Be He❤️, has authorized us to auction off all the equipment and fixtures in this place to recoup the  $238,000,000 expenses we've incurred."

"Yep, there's a hell of a lot of expenses to recoup!"    

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The Auction

Noem: Good morning, everyone!

Auction Bidders: OMG, it's the Joker and the Penguin!

Noem: No, no, folks! It's Kristi Noem and Tom Homan.

Auction Bidders: Well, sorry you two, but that's a natural mistake.

Noem: The first item going up for bids, folks, is the fencing and razor wire all around this place. Perfect for rounding up your dogs and cats so you can ....  

Homan: Okay, moving right along! Start the bidding at $250,000. Going once ... going twice ... not a single bid!

Noem:  All right, maybe President Donald Trump, ❤️Blessed Be He❤️, can use this fencing for his border wall.

Homan: And Mexico will pay us for it?

Noem: Boy are you gullible! And I thought I was unqualified!

Homan: The next item is medical equipment from the Alligator Alcatraz Infirmary including a stethoscope, thermometer, and blood pressure monitor.

Noem: Of course this is all dummy equipment made to create the laughable illusion that we care enough about these criminal inmates to actually have an infirmary.

Homan: Ha, ha, ha! It's perfect for a Child's Play Doctor Kit. Start the bidding at $50,000.

Noem: Going once ... going twice ....

Auction Participant: I'll take it for five dollars.

Homan: SOLD!  So you have a young child who likes to play doctor?

Auction Participant: Nah, I'm a doctor with Medicaid patients. Given projected patient outcomes, doesn't matter whether these things work or not.

Warden Mordant: Guys, this isn't working! You're never gonna raise the  $238,000,000 that President Donald Trump, ❤️Blessed Be He❤️, has authorized you to raise this way.

Homan; You're right, Warden Mordant.  But what can we do?

Warden Mordant: Isn't it obvious? There's only one way for you two to score big money fast! 

Noem: Are you ready, Penguin?

Homan: More than ready, Joker!

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