As we all know, Trump has established Alligator Alcatraz, an all-new super maximum security prison nestled deep in the heart of the Florida Everglades.
It's been designed to incarcerate only the the most craven criminal illegal immigrants, namely those caught jaywalking, running yellow lights, and ripping the labels off the bottom of mattresses.
I spoke with Warden Matthew Mordant, the newly installed warden of Alligator Alcatraz. He's been toughened up for this job by being force fed movies starring Nicholas Cage for 48 straight hours.
"This is where we dump a ton of the worst offenders," he said with great pride as he demonstrated one of the facility's holding cells. "It's 12 feet by 8 feet with one toilet that doesn't flush and air so thick and stagnant pea soup envies it. We got 475 prisoners stacked up in there"
"My God," I gasped, "what did these pathetic wretches do to deserve this?"
"They're the worst of the worst! Each of them has repeatedly used the expression the Gulf of Mexico!"
"And the food here?" I asked
"Food?"
Next he took me to an individual cell where one poor wretch was being held in solitary confinement.
"What did this guy do?" I asked.
"He had the brazen audacity to go to medical school while applying for asylum."
"He's a doctor?!'
"Yes, and he's been practicing medicine for over 40 years. He had practices in several rural underprivileged communities where there was no other doctor and later became a respected Professor of Medicine and an esteemed researcher whose pioneering research has led to cures for several deadly diseases and for which he won the Nobel Prize. Oh, also he has volunteered in both Gaza and Ukraine."
"And what will happen to him?"
"We're going to deport his ass to El Salvador!"
I decided I also wanted to speak with a representative of the alligators surrounding the facility and was fortunate to secure a meeting with Fred J. "Snappy" Morgenstern, the scaly and ridiculously toothy president of the Amalgamated Brotherhood and Sisterhood of Everglades Alligators.
"We hate this job guarding the offensively named named Allegator Alcatraz," he snorted. "We didn't ask for this; I totally get how the National Guard and the Marines must have felt in Los Angeles!
We're more than content eating the local wildlife and have no interest whatsoever chowing down on totally innocent human beings. But Trump --- yummy! We'd love to feast on him!
Oh, BTW, before you leave ... umm ...would you mind letting me bite off your arm?"
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