"Welcome to our viewers in the United States and around the World, this is CNN, now standing for 'Certainly Not the News.' I'm Wolf Bliter and this is Pamela Brown and you're in the Situation Room."
"I'm sorry to have to correct you, Wolf, but my name has now been changed to Pamela Red for the Red States now that we've been acquired by the right-wing Paramount/Skydance."
"Ha, Ha, your new name Pamela Red sounds like the old song, Panama Red by the New Riders of the Purple Sage."
"Can the talk about old rock music, Wolf. Most of those bands were liberal."
"Oh! Okay, in the news today, President Donald J. Trump."
"President Donald J. Trump what, Wolf?"
"President Donald J. Trump Everything Everywhere All At Once."
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"This is Inside Politics, I'm Dana Bash. I now bash everything about Democrats and nothing about President Donald J. Trump."
"I'm John King. Dana Bash and I were once married, I became Jewish, and we have a child together. But we both agree on loving Donald J. Trump."
"So true. And our son loves him too!"
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"What am I supposed to say, Jake?"
"That President Donald J.Trump is more important to you than the $255 million dollars you make as Eagles quarterback."
"What?!! I mean of course, President Donald J. Trump is ... .
"And Kasie Hunt, from Wayne Pa, feels the same way!"
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"People from opposing point of view aren't talking to each other, but here they do. Except there are no opposing points of view anymore. I'm Abby Philip.
And from now on, my show is being handed over to the ever smarmy Scott Jennings.
So, everyone, if you want to hear news with a bias but a good bias, you've got to turn to MS NOW.
Right, Rachel?"
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