A "Hello Yahweh" Passover!

 

                        

With Passover rapidly approaching, I thought to pay a visit to my friend Rabbi Debbie King, the progenitor of the newest branch of liberal Judaism, "Hello, Yahweh."

According to the tenets of "Hello Yahweh" - which is loosely based upon certain characteriations made popular in the television show Seinfeld - God doesn't want us to always be kissing his ass; what he actually wants is for us to sometimes give it a good swift kick.

"I know you have some novel thoughts about Passover, Rabbi Debbie," I said. "Here's hoping it concerns taking the car keys from Elijah the Prophet before he polishes off half the wine in Delco and heads over to my place in Havertown."

"Haven't solved that one yet, Perry,"said Rabbi Debbie, "but I have made some significant changes to the Passover story to call out Hashem for some of the things he has frankly messed up."

"Like ...umm, uhh ... what?" I asked with my typical perceptiveness and profound depth of expression.

"Like the Death of the First Born. Way over the top!" 

"What should he have done?'

"Inflicted a Heavy Cold on the First Born!  Serious enough for them to miss a whole week of school!"

"Would that have been enough to make the point?"

"Dayenu!  That would have been enough."

"Got it. What else needs changed?"

"That michigas at the Red Sea.  Terrible!  And I'm not just talking about Charlton Heston's acting."

"What should have happened?"

"After the Hebrews safely crossed the Red Sea, by the time the Egyptians got there it was after 5:00 PM."

"So?"

"The signs were all posted: 

No Lifeguard on Duty After 5:00 

So they didn't dare cross." 

"And I bet there was undertow, Rabbi Debbie, and a shit ton of jellyfish too."

"Yep. Plus most of Pharoah's men had just eaten so they'd have had to wait 45 minutes before going into the water anyway."

"I see.  Dayenu!"

"Right!  And, Perry, I also have some new multiple choice answers to the Four Questions which as you know I grade on the curve. I do hope you'll come to our Seder this year." 

"I'm down with all the changes, Rabbi Debbie," I said.  "But again, what if there is no God?" 

"It could well be," replied the Rabbi, "and in a way that explains some of these screw-ups better than to assume God is simply channeling Jerry Lewis in some of his earlier movies."

But as Rabbi Debbie has long stressed, it makes scant difference.

"Liberal Judaism is constantly open to new thoughts and approaches," said Rabbi Debbie. "And that includes welcoming Jews, non-Jews, and everyone everywhere who hopes for something better in the world and in their own lives as well."

Sounds good to me.

Maybe I will hit Rabbi Debbie's Seder this year. 

Dayenu, Dudes!

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Maybe make up something like this for "Hello Yahweh?" 

Have to ask Rabbi Debbie.