Hi, I'm Perry and this is the first time I'm interviewing a name in the news, and it's Markwayne Mullin, the newly designated Secretary of Homeland Security.
Mullin: Hullo, Perry. I only have a few minutes because I'm momentarily being fitted for a new pair of garish false eyelashes. I think it's part of the job.
Perry: Probably so. Sir, you've indicated that as the new head of Homeland Security you are only going to go after the Worst of the Worst and not law-abiding immigrants without criminal records. How do you plan to tell the difference between the Worst of the Worst and all the others?
Mullin: Simple. It's the same difference as the difference between our conflict with Iran being War - which it is not - and being Not War - which it is.
Perry: I see. And what is that difference?
Mullin: I have no idea.
Perry: I'm a bit confused. Again, how do you tell the difference between the Worst of the Worst and all the others?
Mullin: It's the same difference as the difference between We Declared War on Them - which we did not - and They Declared War On Us, which they did.
Perry: And what is that difference?
Mullin: I have no idea.
Perry: Umm ... Maybe it's because of my lack of experience here, Senator, but please: How do you tell the difference between the Worst of the Worst and all the others?
Mullin: It's the same difference as the difference between the conflict with Iran being about Ridding Iran of Dangerous Weapons and the conflict with Iran being about Regime Change.
Perry: Okay, good, we're getting somewhere now! And what is that difference?
Mullin: I have no idea.
Perry: Wow. Yeah. Uh-Huh. I'll give it another go: What is the difference between the Worst of the Worst and all the others?
Mullin: It's the same difference as the difference between Iran Unconditionally Surrendering and the President Determining That Iran Is In A State of Unconditional Surrender, Whether They Say It Themselves Or Not.
Perry: I almost hate to ask this but: What is that Goddamn Difference?
Mullin: I have no idea.
Perry: Should I try one more, Senator?
Mullin: Yes, but just one more. Eyelash Fitting, you know.
Perry: Alright, one last time: How do you tell the difference between the Worst of the Worst and all the others?
Mullin: It's the same as the difference between My Name is Mark and My Name is Wayne.
Perry: Oh, boy! What is that difference?
Mullin: If Mark says something idiotic, Wayne doesn't get blamed for it. And if Wayne does something moronic, Mark isn't accountable for it.
Perry: Thank you! Finally, sir, I have the idea.
Mullin: Anything else, Perry, is a mispoke!
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Before After
Looks like the Fitting Musta Gone Pretty Well.
2 comments:
I wish this weren't based on facts!
But we never declared facts, they declared facts!
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