I'm Melting - What a World! - And There's Nothing I Can Do About It

 

Yes, I'm melting.  Not exactly like the Wicked Witch of the West but just as quickly and just as dramatically.

At least I'm not green.  At least not yet.

Not only have I been getting shorter but I'm also contracting.  I've been shrinking and contracting as if somebody put me in the drier.

I used to have a 36 inch waist.  Now my waist has wasted away to 29 inches. I literally cannot get my pants to stay up unless I wear both suspenders and a belt, a fact about which some people are incredulous.

I tell them that to accept that fact they have to embrace "the suspenders of disbelief."

I'll wait for it.

Aside from normal aging, another reason I'm shrinking is that I have extreme Scoliosis - which is not the name of Socrates' most apt pupil - but the condition more commonly known as curvature of the spine. 

Finally I had had enough. I went for a second opinion to an orthopedist who had been highly recommended to me named Dr. Kropotkin.

"Dr. Kropotkin," I said, "you come highly extolled to me."

"Thank you," he replied. "My approach is to treat my patients with respect so they can have hope that they can improve. There will be a brighter day ahead."

I certainly liked the sound of that.

"Let me take a look at your spine," said Dr. Kropotkin. "Please take off your shirt."

I did so.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!" 

"I beg your pardon?"

"You have a spine that looks like it was designed by Zorro!"

"Umm,  is this how you give me respect,  Dr. Kropotkin?"

"Of course. But OMG, Your spine looks like the punctuation mark at the end of a properly phrased response on Jeopardy!"

"A question mark? But when do we get to the hope part?

"Soon. Do you like mythology, Mr. Block?"

"I guess."

"If Diana the Huntress needed a new bow and arrow she ought to use your ridiculously curved spine to draw back her bow!"

"Well, I'm certainly seeing that brighter day ahead. What can you do for me?"

"Nothing comes to mind."

"Thank you, Kamala Harris. So what can I look forward to?"

"Looking Daniel Radcliff eye to eye. After that, you've seen "The Incredible Shrinking Man?"

"Yeah, in fact, I once did a parody of it."

"Better reread that parody. And think about projecting yourself directly into it."

And so looks like I will continue to shrink.  And I have but one thing to say about it.

What a  World!  What a World!

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