What if a User's Manual existed for every person you meet or interact with in the course of your lifetime?
By that I mean a collection of the peculiarities, proclivities, and all other things useful to know about an individual so as to enable you to act in the most optimal and thoughtful ways possible when life confronts you with them.
For some people the User's Manual might be a slim volume. For other people, like me, it's the size of the Torah. F'instance ....
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The User's Manual to Your New Dentist, Dr. Mel Grossman, DDS
WELCOME! You have just become a new patient of Dr. Mel Grossman, DDS. You have displayed excellent judgment in selecting Dr. Grossman as your dentist as he has been twice selected as one of the Top Dentists in Delaware Valley although his nephew Gary being on the selection committee may have something to do with that.
Safety Instructions: Please carefully read these instructions before using Dr. Grossman.
1) Never get up to go to the bathroom while Dr. Grossman is drilling your teeth.
2) Never casually ask Dr. Grossman how his daughter Claudine is doing as she lives in a survivalist compound in North Dakota and Dr. Grossman and Claudine are now fully estranged.
3) Never, ever, EVER inform Dr. Grossman that you do not floss because if you think Dr. Grossman goes banana apeshit at the mere mention of his estranged daughter, demonstrate disrespect toward flossing and you ain't seen nothing yet!
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Okay, do you get the drift now of a User's Manual? BTY you should see my User's Manual: It says that "Perry Block comes fully equipped with the less than desirable 'Whining Response' feature which you must be careful not to activate by even the most casual mention of Perry's love life or sex life or lack thereof."
All right, here's a User's Manual which I hope I will some day acquire.
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The User's Manual to Danielle Rogers, the Nice Fifty-two Year Old Woman You Just Met
CONGRATULATIONS! You have just met an attractive woman who by a remote stretch of the imagination is age-appropriate for you. And she is Jewish to boot! Your attraction to her reflects your good taste in the opposite sex if not your firm grasp of the possible.
Carefully read this manual and adhere to its guidance. Please be advised that this is only a summary of the complete manual which is available at www.aloserlikeyou.com
Good night, and good luck.
Safety Instructions
Danielle is an activist who cares deeply about climate change and animal rights. Do not ever indicate to her that you find any Republican any less than abhorrent or you will receive a sharply negative response and will not thereafter see her again. BTY, the writers of this manual feel that same way and if you do harbor any positive thoughts about Republicans, you can go fuck yourself.
Behavioral Guidelines
Danielle enjoys meeting for coffee, going to the movies and theater, and stimulating conversations about books and ideas. She is looking for a man with a good sense of humor who shares her diverse interests. Danielle will be pleased to appreciate your sense of humor if your comments are truly witty and clever but she will not appreciate lame jokes or so called "Dad Jokes" and she will judge her possible interest in you accordingly. Do not ever mention to her that you love the Stooges and that your idea of great art is those paintings of dogs playing poker.
Installation
Forget it.
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There is more to this manual but that's enough or I would be pushing the bit way too far. Perhaps I have already.
As I said, everybody ought to come with a User's Manual. How about you? Do you have one yet?
Here, I'll help you write it.
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