Twenty Inspirational Quotes that I, a Very Negative Person, Send Crashing Back to Earth

 

I dunno about that, Viola. I keep moving towards my dreams but my dreams keep backing up like they're being clobbered in tug-of-war! 

Okay, let's go with some more: 

1) If you give a man a fish you have fed him for one day

    But if you teach a man to fish, you are probably not Jewish.

2) Let a smile be your umbrella.

   But expect to get soaking wet.

3) Some people see the glass half empty, some people see the glass half full.

    What glass?

4) Put your "Best Foot Forward."

   But there's no discernable difference between my two feet. If I were going to put    my "best foot forward" I'd have to live on a planet in which people have three feet.

5) Live Your Best Life. 

  Well, this isn't exactly my best life, but it's certainly in the Top Ten. 

6) Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. 

  I missed, but I wound up in Cleveland. 

7) He who hesitates is lost. 

That must be true since I am even hesitating to ask the nearest yak where on the planet I am.  

8) You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.  

 Thank goodness that only applies to hockey and not real life.

9) What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.  

 Whatever it is, if it makes me stronger, I still prefer it to exercising.

10) A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night   and in between does what he wants to do.

 Well, I've got the getting up in the morning and going to bed at night down pat.

11) To sleep, perchance to dream. 

 To stay up, perchance to snack.

12) Do something today that your future self will thank you for.

 Okay, my future self really likes being drunk.

13) To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

 Aw gee, I just broke up with me last week. 

14) Love the life you live.

 Love the life I live? I'm not even on a first name basis with it.

15) Failure is a great teacher. 

 Failure can't be that great a teacher because I still suck at math.

16) If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again.

  Then quit.

17) The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

  And spiders.

18) Do one thing every day that scares you.

  Does getting out of bed count?

19) It is never too late to be what you might have been.

  I think it might be a little too late to be Scarlett Johansson's husband.

 20) What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.  (Redux)

  If that's true, what doesn't kill me needs to try harder.

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Here's three bonus quotes that have nothing to do with inspiration:

Two's company, three's a crowd.  

 Nah, it's actually a three-some, which I never got to have, goddamn it!

Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? 

  I dunno, somehow I never bought the cow or got much milk for free.  

Aye, there's the rub! 

  Not only did I never get enough milk, I never got enough rubbing either!