I am the Lord Thy G-d and You Are My People Israel.
It’s not that I don’t love you guys, I do. From the
time I first set eyes on Abraham, I’ve been madly in love with pretty much all
of you. I love Moses, I love Jesus, I do not particularly love
Barry Manilow, but that’s me.
So why do I every now and then have my people Israel
worked over with brass knuckles by a couple of guys named Bruno and Rocco?
Metaphorically that is.
You have to look at it from my perspective.
I’ve been around for 13 or 14 billion years. For billions of years all I got to do for kicks
was watch unicellular life forms clumsily experiment with asexual reproduction,
and believe me it was not like watching modern day porno with your Stormy
Finally at last came homo sapiens, but they’ve only been
around for 200,000 years, and you my people Israel for about 4,000 years.
Over that time, I got kind of bored. I had to develop a hobby. And then one millennium I discovered smiting and found
it one hell of a lot more entertaining than watching unicellular life forms clumsily
experiment with asexual reproduction. So sometimes to keep me sane I just have
to smite left.
And sometimes the smiting falls on you.
Another thing that’s a little annoying. Stop worshipping me slavishly in synagogue
with the words: “Hear O Israel, the Lord our G-d, the Lord is One.”
Don’t you think I know I am “One?” I know there is nobody else like me. Hey, I look
to my right and I look to my left and all I see is a bunch of galaxies.
No dudes, no chicks.
That’s part of the problem - You try 13 billion years with no
one to put your arms around at night. You
guys complain about bad blind dates? Who am I gonna date? Scarlett Johansson? She’s already married. To Colin Jost, a gentile yet!
But you are my people Israel. Frankly I created
you because I wanted somebody to love. I
made you funny, I made you cute, I put you in charge of show business. True, I
made you not handy but that’s because I had zero interest in watching my people
Israel woodworking and installing kitchen cabinets. Me forbid I’d have to endure King David - the
guy who killed Goliath - setting up a workshop in his basement to thread
clipper ships into a glass bottle.
But I pledge to you: I will always ultimately get you out of any tough jams or scrapes I may put you in. After all, you have survived and prospered for 4,000 years.
You want me to send you a rainbow to seal the deal, I’ll do it!
And here’s the Emes: Despite what many of your sages have said over the many years, there is a heaven! You will get eternal rewards. I’m proud to say I set that up for you! Some of my best work.
I am the Lord Thy G-d and You Are My People Israel,
love you, man.
Now, can one of you please go get me a corned beef special?
Well, this is my first attempt to write a conceptual piece in the modern era. Sure it's blasphemous but I think G-d, blessed be they, would be cool with it provided they have a sense of humor and even exist, blessed be they.
And I had the misfortune of writing it shortly after this similar piece appeared in Slackjaw:
I wrote mine before I saw this (I swear it!) but his one is pretty damn good and makes mine hold up about as well as Shelley Winters does right after Elizabeth Taylor shows up and sweeps Montgomery Clift off his feet in A Place in the Sun.
Anyway it's a start.