Poor guy! He needs our Primo Primer for Product Labeling below.
You needn't be. Here's everything you need to know translated into plain English for you and me:
- Made under the Strict Supervision of the Union of Orthodox Rabbis
- Made under the Blase Supervision of the Union of Extremely Lax Rabbis
- Made under the Strict Supervision of the Union of Rabbis So Orthodox They Are Judging You Right Now
- No Sugar Added
- Some Sugar Added Because Without It This Would Taste Pretty Much Like Stale Cardboard
- A Sugar Cane in Every Bite
- A Taste The Whole Family Will Love, But Not Your Family
- A Taste of Italy!
- A Taste of France!
- A Taste of the Next Random Country Eva Longoria Will Pretend to Know Something About!
- Orange Juice, No Pulp
- Orange Juice, Some Pulp
- Orange Juice, Lotsa Pulp
- Just Eat an Orange, Asshole
- Best if Used Before June 15
- Bleh if Used On or About June 15
- BLAAAHHH! If Used After June 15
- Not a Low Calorie Product
- Not a Low Calorie Product, So Sit-Ups?
- Not a Low Calorie Product, So Ozempic?
- Picture of Cereal Enlarged for Clarity
- Picture of Cereal Enlarged for Clarity And Also Air Brushed to Look More Appetizing
- Picture of Cereal Enlarged for Clarity So Please Ignore Now Clearly Visible Insects
- Keep Out of Reach of Children
- Keep Out of Reach of Children and Adults
- Keep Out of Reach of Children, Adults, Jews, Gentiles, Dogs, Cats, Mormons, Rosicrucians, Seventh Day Adventists, and Anyone and Everyone All At Once. Except Republicans.
- Now: New and Improved!
- Now: Even More NEW AND IMPROVED!
- Now: WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT KIND OF CRAP WERE WE TRYING TO HAND YOU ALL ALONG?
- Olive Oil, Virgin
- Olive Oil, Extra Virgin
- Olive Oil, Story of Perry's Life
- Plastic Bags (unopenable)
- Plastic Bags, (fully unopenable)
- Plastic Bags, (hand us five bucks, we'll open one for you)
- This is not the face a guy makes when opening a box of Ritz Crackers. This is the face a guy makes when Scarlett Johansson knocks at his front door and announces "I've just left Colin Jost and I WANT YOU NOW!"
- But you and me, we gonna hafta settle for the box of crackers.
- From Our Growers Direct to Your Table. So Was it Asking Too Much that Someone Somewhere Along the Way Would Have Rinsed Them Off?
- A Full Day's Supply of Vitamin C
- A Full Day and a Half's Supply of Vitamin C
- Enough Vitamin C to Cover You and All Your Progeny
- Product of Guatemala
- Product of Honduras
- Sorry, all products from Guatemala and Honduras Have Been Deported by Trump
- Shake Vigorously Before Using,
- Shake Vigorously Before Using, We Mean the Product, Not You
- Shake Vigorously, the Product and You If You Feel Like Twerking
- Trusted Since 1947
- Trusted Between 1947 to 1963
- Trusted for a Couple of Months During the Bush Administration
- No High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Some High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Just call us Freddy Fructose!
- No Artificial Flavors or Coloring
- No Artificial Flavors, Coloring, Hair, or Teeth
- As Artificial as Kristi Noem's Face
- Specially Formulated for Folks 50 +, Like You
- Specially Formulated for Folks 50 +, Like you: Yeah, We Mean You!
- Specially Formulated for Folks 50 + Like You: Yeah We Mean You, Who Are You Kidding, You Look Every Day of It!
- Clinically Proven
- Clinically Proven, But At What Clinic You May Ask
- Clinically Proven, But By Research Scientists Personally Selected by RFK Jr.
- To Learn More, Visit Us at http://www.Shmendrick.com
- To Learn More, Visit Us at http://www.Shmendrick.com, But Don't Bother, It's All Lies Anyway
- To Learn More, Visit Us at http://www.Shmendrick.com. But Like You Actually Give a Shit!
And so on and so on!
Maybe next time we'll tell you what all these labels really mean.
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