Park, He Said

 

Nothing like a Self-Parking Car!

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of commercials on television about cars that park themselves.

Which is amazing considering that I can barely park a car at all.

I've been known to be unable to successfully pull into a spot just vacated by Godzilla. In moving back and forth within a parking spot to try to park in a manner so I don’t need to take an Uber to the curb, I frequently hit another car. 

Not a car in front of or behind me, but across the street.

So, enthusiastic about the new self-parking vehicles I’d seen so much about, I went to Kropotkin Motors and was greeted by a very smiley dude named Guy Greenleaf.

“Mr. Greenleaf, I’d to check out your self-parking cars," I said. “You see, my parallel parking is so bad I refer to it as perpendicular parking.”

“Self-parking cars should be perfect for you, then, Mr. Block.  They can greatly benefit people with lousy motor skills and terrible depth perception who are well along in years such as yourself."

I guess when a car is in demand polite sales technique is not.

“Now, Mr. Block,’ Mr. Greenleaf said “it’s important that you get into one of our special cars and do some parking so we may take extensive data of you pathetic parking techniques.”

“I see. You want to understand all the parameters of my substandard parking skills so that you may best correct them.”

“No, not exactly.”

“What then?”

“We want to understand all the parameters of your substandard parking skills so we can best duplicate them.”

“What?!”

“The technology doesn’t enable the car to park better than you, Mr. Block. All it can do is imitate you! If you can’t successfully park within a berth for the QE2, neither can the car!”

“But what good is that?!”

“You don’t have to expend effort to park. And when the car does a shitty park job, everyone around will think the car is an idiot, not you!”

“That is something after all.”

“And sometimes the car will park itself pretty well. Just like you do … once in a  while even you probably luck out.”

“How about that?  Know what, Guy?  I may want to check out a self-driving car too.”

“Sorry, Mr. Block, not going to happen.”

“Why?”

“Given the way you probably drive, Warren Buffett couldn’t afford the insurance” 

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