Thank you, Everyone!
Your applause is wonderful! Let's bring out that terrific cast again ... Meryl, Meryl, my sensational co-star, take an extra bow!
Y'know, folks, it's great to be back in my home town of New York starring in Broadway's latest smash hit, Kinky Boobs! You were all fantastic tonight, a truly phenomenal audience! You're such a lovely audience I'd like to take you home with me, I'd love to take you home!
In fact, I will take you home!
I've had 14 buses dispatched directly outside the Helen Hunt Theater to transport all of you to my condo at 87th street. Ladies, rest assured there are bathrooms on each bus with much shorter wait times than at the one Ladies Room here in the Helen Hunt Theater in the mezzanine. So you should all be able to stop dancing around like Native Americans preparing for war by the time you get to my home.
We have ordered trays of food from the Plotkin Deli including corned beef, swiss cheese, roast beef, cole slaw, white fish, herring, chopped liver, baklava, cheese cake, and many other delicatessen delicacies guaranteed to give you reflux for the next week. Our Jewish audience members are going to feel like they're at a shiva but with the added bonus that no one's dead.
Now please all file out by section into the buses. Orchestra seats go first, then the mezzanine, next the balcony, and lastly the abysmal seats slammed against the rear wall of the theater and sorry, folks, but your seats on the bus will be slammed against the rear of the bus as well.
When we get to the condo, feel free to throw your coats on my bed. Remember that many coats look alike, so when you leave and you're parsing through 600 coats, give or take 150 or so, be careful to take yours and not one of the other audience members or you'll be going through life as a 34 short London Fog from Woodbridge New Jersey when you're actually a 38 long Burberry from Greenwich Connecticut.
I want you to feel totally at home in my home. Traipse through each and every room, admire the artwork - especially my paint-by-numbers --- and peruse my photo albums. You'll notice that my first wife was exceedingly hot but about as stable as the lower half of the periodic table, and my second wife had a great ass but the personality of the love child of Martha Stewart and Martha Stewart if Martha Stewart could mate with Martha Stewart. And I know Martha Stewart!
I'm looking forward to meeting all of you and spending quality time. I want to hear about children, grandchildren, new jobs, retirements, divorces, operations, accidents, and existential angst and/or weltschmerz that may have you close to pondering ending it all. If necessary, I'll hug you through the night after the others have left.
Remember I don't give autographs.
Why am I inviting an audience into my home after all my years in show business?
Frankly, this is something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I had to wait for a truly responsive, enthusiastic, and appreciative audience --- a lovely audience. Tonight, folks, you were at long last that lovely audience.
You applauded loud and long for our very marginal show, laughed at even at the stupidest and most unfunny jokes we padded out the script with, and hummed along with the utterly forgettable score. If every theatrical audience were as naive and undiscriminating as all of you, Kinky Boobs would run forever and I could extend my waning career at least another ten years, at which time I'll be the BIG 8-5!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Remember to take off your shoes at the door, or I'll never hear the end of it from my third wife!
Hope you like the chopped liver.