Sunday, January 29, 2012

Defending Your Teeth

                                                     YOUR TEETH

"Okay, Celestia, who's next?"

"Next we've got a Jewish guy from Philadelphia, a Mr. Perry Block.  You should see this guy!  First person we've ever gotten up here who died by whining."  

"Oh, boy!  Not sure I want to see him.   But ....  better send him in."

"Uhhh,  where am I?  Who are you?  What happened to the 57 year old twins?"

"Mr. Perry Block, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but YOU'RE DEAD!"  

"Dead?!!  As in not drawing another breath for the next 1500 years?"

"I'm afraid it's even longer than that, Mr. Block."

"Well, at least I'll be conserving lung power.  Where am I?" 

"Welcome to Judgment Central, Mr. Block!"

"Judgment Central!!!  Like in the Albert Brooks' movie Defending Your Life?!!  I Love that Movie! Where's Mr. Brooks?  Where's Meryl Streep? Even dead, I still want autographs!"

"No, no, no, Mr. Block!  That's Judgment City, four or five steps down the line from here. This is the first stop, Judgment Central.  Here we judge your dental care."

"Teeth are that important for getting into heaven?"

"The keys to mastication, Mr. Block.  Everybody's gotta eat, even up here.  Except the Big Guy."

"Who are you?"

"I'm the Tooth Fairy."

"But you're a chick!  You don't look anything like...."

"I know, Dwayne Johnson, I get that all that time. That's Hollywood stuff."

"Well, what do we do, Tooth Fairy?"

"Let's go to 9/27/88. That's September 27, 1988.  Take a look at yourself up on the screen, Mr. Block.  What are you doing?"

"Drinking Coca-Cola."

"You do that frequently?" 

"If by frequently you mean every hour on the hour, well, then it's probably somewhat  bordering on frequently."

"And here you are at nighttime that very same day, brushing your teeth."

"See, I'm exercising proper dental care!  I'm brushing."

"Would you take a look at the tube of toothpaste you're using there on the sink?  What kind of toothpaste is it, Mr. Block?"

"It's Crest with Chocolate Morsels."

"Crest with Chocolate Morsels.  Do you think that's an appropriate decay preventing toothpaste, Mr. Block?"

"Well, you want to incent me to brush, don't you?"

"Isn't it true, Mr. Block, that you didn't even own a toothbrusth for an entire seven months  during the years 1997-1998?"

"That's not true! My toothbrush was in the shop. I didn't get a loaner...."

"Let's go  to  4/25/95.   Here you are attempting to gargle, Mr. Block. Do you want to describe what happened?" 

"Excuse me, but shouldn't I have an advocate?  Where's actor Rip Torn?"

"Again, Hollywood stuff, Mr. Block."

"Figures.  Always wanted to meet him too.  Dodgeball is no Defending Your Life, but it's got a laugh or two."

"Mr. Block, again please, what about 4/25/95?"

" I went to take the mouthwash and accidentally took a swig of aftershave ...."

".... and promptly did a spit take right into the mirror, didn't you, Mr. Block?"

"Yes, and it seems to have gotten a much bigger laugh in the movie than in my blog here!"

"Here's the final day we're going to visit:  1/27/12.  Who is this man, Mr. Block?  Why does he look so gleeful?  Why is he rubbing his hands together?

"That's my dentist, Dr. Kropotkin." 

"That's right, Mr. Block.  You had the next appointment that morning with Dr. Kropotkin.  He was rubbing his hands together because your mouth alone not only sent his three kids through college, it bought him a condo in Boca."

"No wonder some people had to wait six months for an appointment!  Me,  I had a sort of Dental Bat Signal."

"I think we've seen enough.  Mr. Block, I'm afraid I  have no alternative but to send you to ...."

"Tooth Fairy!  Tooth Fairy!"

"What is it, Celestia?" 

"We made a mistake!  Mr. Block is not dead! That last whine turned out not to be a whine at all but a very gross, inappropriate, and  high-pitched burp!"

"Well, then, Mr. Block, you have a second chance.  Don't forget to take your free Official Tooth Fairy Dental Kit from the hygienist on the way out.  I hope you've learned your lesson."

"I have,  Tooth Fairy!  From now on I will brush with an effective decay-preventative dentifrice as part of a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care.   I will floss with both the waxed and the unwaxed for maximum waxitivity!   I will take the same superlative exemplary high-level care of my teeth as does self-help guru Anthony Robbins of his." 

"That's we want to hear, Mr. Block.    Good luck to you!"

"Uhh, Tooth Fairy, before I go?"

"Yes, Mr. Block?"  

"You got a Coke machine up here?"


So remember to take great Dental Care, folks.  You don't ever want to find yourself having to be ....


Note: I happened to watch one of my favorite movies, Defending Your Life, the night before a dental appointment.  Somehow this was the result. 

And a bill for 700 bucks too.


K.D. McCrite said...

I read this out loud to my husband, as well as I could after rolling around on the floor, holding my aching sides.

Where, oh, where can I get some of the Crest with Chocolate Morsels?

Perry Block said...

I'm afraid I can't tell you that.

I don't want you ever in front of the Tooth Fairy having to be: DEFENDING YOUR TEETH!

K.D. McCrite said...

My teeth need no defense. In fact, my teeth are my defense.

Perry Block said...

I've no doubt of that. And given my level of dental care, my teeth are my offense!

Libby said...

Yes, it's always good to have that hit of sugar after the dentist visit. Remember when you used to get candy after you were done, ha!

K.D. McCrite said...

Libby, that's called job security.

Perry Block said...

Hit of sugar?

My dentist, Dr. Kropotkin, used to apply frozen Milky Ways instead of Novocaine.

I understand of late he is dating Salma Hayek.

Perry Block said...

No, I can't remember back that far, Libby. Nobody gives me candy today. In my case, the dentist gets most of the candy in vacation homes.

Perry Block said...

As long as I have any teeth left it is.