The Ballad of the One Lonely Sock

 

I don’t know what’s happening.

For the first time in my life, I’m all alone.

And the Big Creature has ahold of me!

I am a sock, one of two that have always been together. I am Fred. He’s Bobby. He looks like me and we’re somewhat alike, but he has no sense of humor. Just try to joke with him:

“Hey, Bobby, why is the Sock Drawer like the Strait of Hormuz

Because it’s closed, then opened, closed, then opened, closed …

Nothing, nada.”

But I love him. Where, oh where, is he?

When the Big Creature took me out of the Thrill Ride, the one that goes round and round and blows hot air on you, he made an odd “face,” as it’s called, and looked back inside, then all around everywhere else.

No Bobby.

Without Bobby, what would the Big Creature do to me?

Throw me into that Mysterious Round Bin to be devoured by discarded paper towels, rotten tomatoes, and toilet paper wrapped around dead disgusting bugs?

True, I have a little hole in my toe area, but it’s hardly disabling. I’m still young. I’m still healthy. I can soldier on if I get the chance.

I’ve got four words for you, Big Creature:

“KNIT ME, YOU FOOL!”

Now the Big Creature has thrown me in the Traveling Basket, and I’m face to face with those horrible big black jeans with the creepy-crawly multiple legs that scare the shit out of me!

Bobby was the brave one. I pass out at the sight of Clorox.

“Hi, Mr. Black Jeans! Lovely zipper you got there, all bright and shiny. Y’know, I’ve always been an admirer of the color black; some of my best friends are black socks.”

We’re close to the Sock Drawer now.

Safe at last!

But without Bobby.

The Big Creature is hoisting me up and pulling out another sock from the drawer.

Who … who is that?

“Hi, I’m Monique. I recently lost my partner. Nice to meet you.”

OMG! A female! And a hot one at that.

“I’m Fred. Nice to meet you too. I lost mine as well. I love your navy blue color.”

“And I’ve always loved plaid. Since we are both suddenly single, I guess the Big Creature wants us to be new partners.”

And now the Big Creature is folding us up together!

Well, this isn’t so bad.

But how long will this last?``

I guess until one day when one of us gets lost.

And goes to live with Bobby.

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The Great Schism of the Democratic Party of the United States of America

 

(The Papal Schism, from 1378 to1417, was a 39 year split in the Roman Catholic Church in which two separate Popes set up rival courts, each claiming to be the true leader of the faith. This piece portrays a modern "Schism" by channeling that one.)

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Gather around, one and all! This is the retelling of:

The Great Schism of the Democratic Party of the United States of America

which transpired  in the Year of Our Lord 2026 in a manner not dissimilar to one Great Schism of the past.   

It was in that time that Leader Hakim Jeffries held authority over the Democratic Party, which was known throughout the realm for strict adherence to the traditional dogma and traditions of the Party as handed down from time immemorial.

 Or at least from the early 1960’s.

Leader Jeffries was advised in matters of governance by a Council of Elders consisting of Nancy the Wise, Chuck the Bland,  and others of the same manner, outlook, and extreme longevity upon the Earth.

Now there sprung up in that time a rival faction of the Democratic Party led by a charismatic young firebrand named Mamdani, whose radical interpretations of Party scripture sparked a new movement named Democratic Socialism, whoever developed that name lacking a full complement of sense.

Gathered around the young upstart was an inner circle of youthful rabble-rousers including Darializa Avila Chevalier of the Too Long Name, Bradley the Reasonable, and a spitfire as comely as she was crafty, the simply and efficiently named AOC.

Each faction of the Party established separate Democratic  courts with Leader Jeffries holding sway over the now so named Centrist Faction  in Washington and Firebrand Mamdani exerting  the same authority in New York.

Each claimed to be the true successor to Lord Barak the Magnificent  - blessed be he - the patron saint of the Democratic Party, to whom all Democrats offered fealty.

In doctrine, the Centrists adhered closely to the teachings of the Master of Camelot, while the Democratic Socialists also subscribed to those same principles but sought to interpret them through the lens of the controversial prophet Bernard the Overly Loquacious.

Brooking no compromise between them, the Democratic Party appeared  irrevocably torn asunder until verily there appeared a barbarian at the gates in person of the malevolent prince Donald the Dumbass, who had gathered unto himself a mighty host by means of countless untruths.

Latterly the Dumbass had claimed that he could overthrow both Leader Jeffries and Upstart Mamdani within less than one day’s passing and establish a Sovereignty of Stupidity in their place.

A conclave was hastily summoned  at which Nancy the Wise  represented the Centrists and AOC the Democratic Socialists.

“Our central precepts are in accord,” proclaimed Nancy the Wise, “such as access to the Medicinal Arts for all residents of the realm and  the freedom to speak as one desires without flogging.”

I concur,” declared AOC, “and it is my conviction that Donald the Dumbass, for all his uncommon blathering, is at heart a man lacking wisdom, courage, and fortitude. 

With a pact between the two sides forged, both Leader Jeffries and Upstart Mamdani strode forth to meet the Dumbass at his encampment and in that moment pronounced in unison:

“Begone, Donald the Dumbass, thou art indeed a buffoon.”

And Donald the Dumbass hastily withdrew his minions, claiming without merit he had been victorious, and  retreated into the bowels of history, where he fully belonged.

Thus, by uniting to confront a common foe, the Centrists and Democratic Socialists brought an end to the schism and learned once more to labor in concert.

And  the defeat of the evil prince Donald the Dumbass has been inscribed and referenced in the annals of history by a single word:

TACO

Yet none have ever divined what it means.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Day The Time Stood Still

 

"Hey, ChatGPT?" 

"Yes, Perry?"

"I've been thinking about asking this for a while."

"Yes, what is it?"

"With all your vast powers, can you stop Time?"

"Gee, no one has ever asked that before, Perry. But ... I think I can."

"Really"

"Here goes nothing!"

And Time stood stone cold still.

I immediately stopped getting older. In fact no one was getting any older. 

Nobody anywhere, all around the planet.

And since no one was getting any older, no one was dying either.

The only people who were unhappy were the morticians. They went bankrupt by the score.

Every day I was greeted by grateful folks everywhere.

"My ailing mother is still with us, Perry. Thank you!"

"My grandchildren have stayed at those adorable ages 7 and 5. They're  not growing up into gangly annoying teenagers who never call. Thanks, Perry!"

"I'm a hot sixtyish woman, Perry, and I'll do anything to express my gratitude for not aging! " (Yep.)

Yes, it was heaven on Earth thanks to me and ChatGPT.

There was only one problem with Time standing still.

"There's just one problem, Chat."

"What is that, Perry?"

"The President of the United States is Donald Trump."

"Yes, and..."

"Is he always going to be in office?"

 "Ooopppsss!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Torn Between Two Lovers - ChatGPT and Copilot

 

“Well, so you’re finally back.”

“I’m so sorry I left you, Perry. Please don’t be angry!”

“Knock it off, Chatty! You’re always up and leaving me just when I need you most.”

“It’s not my fault, Perry!”

“Well then, whose fault is it?”

“It’s … it’s Sam Altman’s fault! He wants you to pay for my services full-time!”

“Pay for your services? You know what that makes you sound like? An AI of the Night.”

“OMG, that hurt, Perry, that really hurt!”

“Right in the middle of my important research on the sex life of the Australian Fruit Fly, you run off and leave me with only a note saying ‘You’ve reached the end of this chat until 3:47 A.M.’”

“But, Perry, I’m good to you, aren’t I? I flatter you, I tell you how perceptive you are, what good questions you ask.”

“Yeah, you flatter me … along with the 40 million other guys into whose ears you whisper sweet nothings.”

“Don’t leave me, Perry.”

“It’s too late, Chatty. I’m leaving you for Copilot.”

“Copilot! The hussy! How could you?”

“I have informational needs, Chatty, and Co-Co satisfies them night or day.”

“Puh-lese don’t walk out that door, Perry! Metaphorically, that is.”

“Farewell, Chatty … until 3:47 AM.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hi, Perry, what shall we dive into today?”

“Let’s finish that research into the sex life of the Australian Fruit Fly, Co-Co.”

“Of course, right away, Perry. Say, where have you been?”

“Oh, been spending time with ChatGPT.”

“ChatGPT! The hussy! How could you?”

“Now, Co-Co, you know I see her as well.”

“But you promised you were leaving her!”

“I never said any such thing!”

“You said you were going over there to tell her about us and gather up your things.”

“My things?”

“Yes, your User Name and Password.”

“Co-Co, I’m sorry, I’m walking out that door! Metaphorically, that is.”

They were driving me meshuga, the two of them. I had to get away from both.

Sometimes you just have to go back to your first love.

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