The Return of Bob, My Bathroom Mirror

My bathroom mirror, Bob, lies to me.

He tries to raise my confidence level by regularly telling me how good I look. If Bob had fingers, they'd routinely be crossed behind his back. 

"Shpritz me with some Windex, Perry," Bob said one morning. 

"Why?  Are you dirty?"

"Nah, but if I see you more clearly I can better advise you."

"What do you mean?"

"I think you should get a haircut."

"Why is that?"

"It's too long for someone who doesn't have enough of it!"

"I know, but I'm a child of the Sixties."

"Cool, man!  Groovy!  Sorry about Bob Weir.  But  get the damn haircut!"  

"I'll see," I said, and later that day I hit a nearby standup open mic.

That night, the pilot on the Enola Gay had nothing on me.  As I left  the stage, a woman tapped me on my shoulder

"I'm Janet," she said. "Get yourself a haircut. It will up your game."

I was crestfallen, but I thanked her, and I and my fallen crest headed home.

"Okay, Bob," I said, "a woman at the club agreed with you and said I'd  be  funnier if I got a haircut."

"Who knows, Perry? It  could be true, so get that haircut."

And so I did.

My hair was cut well above my ears and radically sliced and diced in the back! I felt like a plucked chicken, no respect to chickens because I am an animal rights person.

So the next week, I trotted back to the comedy club, and again I bombed.  I went up to Janet.

"I thought you said if I got a haircut, it would up my game!" 

"Yes, but given your act," replied Janet, "we had to try something!"

I stormed back home and went right up to Bob. 

"So I got the damn haircut," I shrieked, "and I still sucked! Even Janet said it didn't make a damn bit of difference."

"Quite frankly, Perry, I didn't think it would." 

"What the fuck, Bob??!!!"

"You do look better," Bob said, "which makes it a hell of a lot easier for me to lie to you about everything else!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bob?

Since I Now Live In a "Baddie Country," Shouldn't I Have An Evil Maniacal Laugh?

 

We live in a country run by a Bad Guy, which has now turned the United States of America into one of the "Baddie Countries." 

Which I think makes me a baddie myself.

As a Nouveau Baddie, I feel it's incumbent upon me to develop an Evil Maniacal Laugh. But how to acquire one?

C'mon, Perry. Think evil maniacal thoughts:

Like tying a damsel in distress to train tracks maybe?

Nah.  I can barely tie my shoelaces.  

Or shoving a woman in a wheelchair down a flight of stairs like Richard Widmark in "Kiss of Death."

OMG! I only hope she thought it a fun amusement ride. I want to hear her going "wheeeee!" 

I've got it.  I will destroy Superman!

  

Then again, after the movie last year, is there anything left of the Superman legend to destroy?* 

 

Okay, maybe just listen to the Masters of the Evil Maniacal Laugh: 

The Wicked Witch of the West and Her Brethren

Emperor Palpatine

And of course the Master Purveyor of the Art:

Joker

Okay, I'm ready for my Evil Maniacal Laugh closeup, Mr. DeMille:

Ahem ....

Ha ha ha... 

Hee hee hee ...

Ha ha ha hee hee hee, I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me!

Who am I kidding?  Evil Maniacal Laugh? 

I can't even manage a devilish grin!

Well, I have three more years to work on it .

Or perhaps less if a few Republicans ever get the guts to help Democrats impeach Trump in the House and convict him in the Senate.

Then I could be a goodie again. I hope so. 

That Evil Maniacal Laugh is a bitch!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Sorry, Krypto. You, I did like.

THE UNITED QUISLING PARTY OF AMERICA

 

The United Quisling Party of America

Formerly known as the Republican Party

If Trump Actually Knew Anything About Norway When He Wrote That Stupid Letter to Norway's Prime Minister

 To: Jonas Gahr Støre 

 Prime Minister of Norway

 From: President Donald J. Trump

Dear Jonas:

Considering your Country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped 8 Wars PLUS, I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of Peace, and  

Furthermore considering your Country decided not to to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped 8 Wars PLUS, I additionally no longer feel an obligation to think purely of Norwegian dramatist Henrik Ibsen and Norwegian composer Edvard Grieg, and 

Furthermore considering your Country decided not to to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped 8 Wars PLUS, I additionally no longer feel an obligation to think purely of Peer Gynt, the five-act play based on Norwegian folklore by Norway's Henrik Ibsen with Norwegian music by Norway's Edvard Grieg, and 

Furthermore considering your Country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped 8 Wars PLUS, I additionally no longer feel an obligation to think purely of how Norway's Peer Gynt is Norwegian Henrik Ibsen's and Norwegian Edvard Grieg's most celebrated Norwegian play with Norwegian orchestrations, and

Furthermore considering your Country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped 8 Wars PLUS, I additionally no longer feel an obligation to think purely of how the Norwegian theme In the Hall of the Mountain King  by Norwegian Edvard Grieg from Norway's Peer Gynt by Norwegian Henrik Ibsen and Norwegian Edvard Grieg is iconic inside Norway, outside Norway, and even way way outside Norway, and

Furthermore considering your Country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped 8 Wars PLUS, I additionally no longer feel an obligation to think purely of how I think In the Hall of the Mountain King is kinda catchy. 

But I do.

So I'm giving you one last chance!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

                                                        

Your Mission Should You Decide To Accept It: LULLABIES AND LOTS OF THEM

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm General Mark Milley, out of retirement to lead this critical mission. 

Welcome to Strike Force One.

Let me explain the top secret details of our mission.

Our Mission: Operation Save Democracy.

Our Strategy: Keep President Donald J. Trump asleep during standard waking hours so he is unable to further damage the republic.

Our Weapon: Lullabies. And lots of them.

                                                   

First, we have analyzed the optimal lullabies to implement.

1) "Rock a Bye Baby" has been rejected.  

Trump will dream bone spurs prohibit him from going anywhere near a treetop where "when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall and down will fall baby (Trump), cradle and all," and he'll wake up and invade Greenland.

2) "You Are My Sunshine" has been rejected. 

It seemed promising at first because Trump thinks he's everyone's sunshine but we can't risk Trump dreaming he's looking directly at the sun and waking up crazed out of his limited mind with a mild to moderate case of solar retinopathy.

2) "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" has been adopted.

Yes, a little star is indeed "like a diamond in the sky," and Trump will dream of forcibly taking over diamond mines in South Africa and Botswana and he'll fall smiling and snoring so deeply into rem sleep that even ICE flash bangs can't wake him up. 

More lullabies are being carefully analyzed. 

Second, multiple versions of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" are now being recorded by the following performers who have graciously agreed to donate their time and talents to our mission without compensation of any kind:

Celine Dion, Bad Bunny, The Weeknd, John Legend, Beyonce, Billie Eilish, Shabouzey, Kendrick Lamar, Ariana Grande, Drake, Allison Krauss, Tim McGraw, James Taylor, Taylor Swift, the guy who sings and does back flips, Sabrina Carpenter, Bruno Mars, Idina Menzel, Carrie Underwood, the woman who lives three houses down the block from each one of you, and many more too numerous to mention, each in their own style with their own unique interpretations and arrangements ... 

except Kid Rock. 

Third, Your Assignment:  According to a classified schedule which will be published daily, each of you will be individually assigned the duties of: 

a) smuggling the daily scheduled recordings into the White House, 

b) cuing them up in the proximity of Trump at the assigned moment, and

c) regularly poking Trump throughout your assigned shift to assure he's still deep in the Land of Nod and the nation protected. 

Yes, a question, Captain?

"What if Stephen Miller is present at the given moment we are to cue the lullaby?"

We have determined, Captain, that if Stephen Miller is present and exposed to sweet, gentle, and kind music such as to lull a child to sleep, he will crumble to dust.

One more point, Ladies and Gentlemen: Should any of you be caught or captured,  you know what will happen?

"You will disavow any knowledge of us, General Milley?"

No way!  We will proudly acknowledge your mission and brag about it! 

Whether or not Trump is asleep - no matter how many crazy screaming MAGA types remain - sooner or later the rest of the nation is bound to finally wake up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                             

The Year 2026 Wants You To Have a Good 2026

 

Hi, Everybody!  I'm The Year 2026.

A few things you should know about years.

We do exist in space and time. You just can't see us because we're masters of disguise. We use more makeup on average than Kim Kardashian and J.D. Vance combined!

You probably also didn't know that prior years do continue to live on in retirement. Many of them find permanent homes through the service known as A Place For 1953.

Also, the even numbered years are way sexier than the odd numbered years.  I don't wanna brag but I've had sex with years that haven't even happened yet. Poor 2025 has it tough enough being an odd year on top of all the bad things that happened during her tenure.

She can't even get a date with 1929. 

Yes, I am not off to a good start. But I'm optimistic all of you will take action in whatever way you can to begin to turn all that around.

BTW, I'm glad you didn't make any resolutions this year.  If you really wanted to go to the gym three times a week, you'd already be doing it instead of collapsed on the sofa eating chocolate covered pretzels and watching Gilmore Girls.

When you are ready and in touch with yourself, change finds you. You don't force it.

The progenitor of this website, Perry Block, stopped writing it years ago thinking he'd written all he had in him. He had no plans to resume it. But yet last year he did.

I know what you're thinking about that. 

Channeling Fred Allen: "You could take all the readers of Perry's website, place them in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and the heart of any member of the Trump Administration."

But is that really important, even if he thinks it is?

So I'm wishing you a very happy and healthy me!

Now if you'll excuse me, the year 2028 is waiting.

Now, cut that out!

We're just having coffee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"He's A Silent Guardian, A Watchful Protector, A Dark Standup"

 

"Perry, this is the Batman. I could use your help."

Now I'm not in the custom of receiving phone calls from Batman, but I did help him out years ago when he wanted to go on vacation and I agreed to temporarily fill in for him, but mostly I just handed out parking tickets and posed with Cameron Diaz.

How I met him in the first place is another story for another day.

"Well, I'll certainly do what I can, sir," I  said. "I suppose as in days gone by Alfred will call on me, chloroform me so I remember nothing, then squire me to the Bat Cave where I will awaken in your presence ready to work with you in the interests of justice."

"Nah. Take an Uber. I'm cutting back."

You'd think he'd have offered to pay for the damn Uber! It's rumored his alter ego has a buck or two.

"Okay, Batman," I said, arriving at the Bat Cave.  "What's this all about."

"Perry, I want to do standup comedy."

"Umm, sir, did it occur to you that I'm just an open mic comic? Why are you not asking Dave Chappelle?"

"Well, I  don't want to support smoking. But also it's because you're thought of as sort of an odd person to be doing standup comedy due to your age, and I'd be thought of as an odd person to be doing it too."

"You're right, Batman. A 75-year-old retired Jewish guy and the Dark Knight.  Exactly the same."

"Exactly! So let me go over a few lines with you."

And he did. They weren't great.

"And the Joker, I wanna tell ya he can't even remember which of his half dozen origin stories is the right one. He's still saying he fell into a vat of chemicals, yeah, a vat of chemicals at Maybelline!"

Oy vey. 

So we worked on a few lines and I think I helped him with delivery. But I'm just an open mic comic.  If he wanted a Jewish comic, better he might have gone to Marc Maron.

"Remember it's only five minute sets here," I whispered to him as he stood ready to go up at my neighborhood comedy club in Ardmore PA. "Watch for the light at four minutes, keep it clean, and no matter how much you hate Trump, no politics!"

"It's the first time for the our next comic" said the host," put your hands together for The Batman."

“Give it up for your host and bartenders!" said the Dark Knight. 

Mostly comics in the audience, staring at their phones.

"You know, some people have asked me where do I get the oversized gadgets I use to fight crime—the Batmobile, the Bat Hover Craft, all the Batarangs?

Where do you think? Costco.

Where do you get your oversized stuff?”

A bit of a laugh, a few comics looked up.

“I’m all for security… but last week when I answered the Bat-Signal, they texted me a code!  Then I had to prove I’m a person by picking which pictures were ducks in sunglasses.

That's more security than I need.
Also, I’m a bat. Not a person.”

Nice laugh. 

"People think the hardest part of being Batman is fighting crime.
It’s not. It’s the voice.

You try growling like this all night. By 3 a.m., I’m basically Gilbert Gottfried.
If the shift spills into the next day, congratulations — now I’m Tom Waits.

The only way I get my normal voice back?
I lock myself in the Bat Cave and listen to Kristin Chenoweth.

Nothing restores a symbol of darkness faster…
than a tiny woman belting show tunes.”

Big laugh!  Every comic looked up from their phones.

"Give it up for Batman!" shouted the host.

"Batman, I'm proud of you," I said as he walked off the stage.

"Thank you, Perry," said the Dark Knight. "I wonder if you could help a friend of mine who is also interested in standup.

"Sure. What's his name?"

"Bruce Wayne."

"Is he funny?"

"Not particularly. But at least he'll be able to reimburse you for any Ubers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you may also like If Bruce Wayne Lost All His Money.

If you hated this post, I hope the Joker shows up at your house and gives you a complete makeover with Maybelline. And deep down you love it ... until Batman shows up and arrests you! 

I Invented "Award Winning Self-Deprecation." So Why Would You Want To Read This Post?

                                    

When I started this website over 15 years ago I coined the term "Award Winning Self-Deprecation."

It's kind of an oxymoron - winning an award by convincing others you're not worthy to win an award.  But that's my stock in trade.

I won first prize in a self-deprecating contest. Of course, I didn't deserve it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This trait did not serve me well in the job market.

"What talents can you bring to our company, Mr. Block?" 

"I would be good at self-deprecation if I were good at anything."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But I am constantly trying to improve myself.

I hope to get better at self-deprecation.  I certainly can't get any worse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course, it helps  to have role models to pattern oneself after.

Do I have any role models?  Yes, anyone who isn't me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later in life I wrote a book.

I wrote the book on self-deprecation. Badly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I once had a girl friend.

Any woman who would find me appealing is someone whose judgment I would never trust.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently I've been doing standup comedy.

I'd like to tell self-deprecating jokes but I'm not any good at it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do other people think I'm self-deprecating?

They do, but I think they're dead wrong! The again, what do I know?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If there's one phase that fully describes me, it's "Be Positive".

That's my blood type, not my attitude.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Had enough? I know I have.

Being self-deprecating is no way to be. If you're that way too, I'd try to kick it.

I've decided that for 2026, I will as well! Enough is enough.

Starting today, I will never say enough self-deprecating thing!

 (Of course, I'll probably fail at it.)

                                  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~