Yep, It was I, Mickey Mouse, Who Made the Decision to Can Jimmy Kimmel

 

 

I, Mickey Mouse, am the one who made the decision to can Jimmy Kimmel.

 After all, I am the face of all the Disney Enterprises.  

I was only doing what Walt Disney would have wanted me to do. Let's face it: Walt was not the most liberal of gentleman.  He would say to me "Mickey, I want to change the lyrics to "When You Wish Upon a Star"  from:

When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are   

 to

When you wish upon a star 

Makes a big difference who you are!"

Many people have wondered if Walt was antisemitic. When Michael Eisner  became Chairman of Disney, Walt got himself cryogenically flash frozen and I doubt he'll ever come out again.

That was Walt.  But what could I do, he drew me and he could erase me!

So we tried to play ball with Trump.

We returned Splash Mountain to its original racially insensitive Uncle Remus Song of the South origins. 

Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah, my ass!

We installed a new attraction Howard Ludnik's Wild Ride. Seemed natural because Howard Ludnik has a face like a Muppets Character.

I even made Donald Duck wear pants for the first time ever to prevent Donald from looking 'too woke.'

And we shitcanned Jimmy Kimmel.

It wasn't an easy decision.  Guillermo is like a second father to me.

But at what a price!

We had five visitors to Disney World in Florida last week, and they were The Five from Fox News.

There are so few people in Disney World anymore I'm afraid Trump will mistake Pirates of the Caribbean for a boat from Venezuela and bomb it.

I am receiving endless volumes of angry mail from all over the country, much of which is decidedly anti-Mouse.  Frankly  I haven't seen so much mouse hatred since the townsfolk in the Piped Piper of Hamelin.

Minnie has left me.  I think she's dating Stephen Miller. 

He certainly looks like a rat.

Yep, of course I'm regretting the decision! I've just got to relax.

I wonder if Colbert is on tonight.

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