"The War for the Tush Push" - A Film by Ken Burns

        

Historical Personages: President Jeffrey Lurie,

     Major General Nick Sirianni 

     General Jalen Hurts 

     General Saquon Barcley 

     Retired General Jason Kelce 

     Jimmy Fallon, talk show host

     Corporal Highsmith (a fictitious character)  

 

                                 PRESIDENT JEFFREY LURIE

In the waning months of 2024 a great controversy arose in America. Our forces from Pennsylvania - the Eagles, of which I am honored to be President - believed in liberation. The forces from Missouri - the Chiefs - sought the opposite.

 

  GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI

                 It was known as The War for the Tush Push. 

 

Ashokan Farewell plays

                              GENERAL JALEN HURTS

We the Eagles sought to free the Tush Push for all time. The Chiefs sought to enslave it.

 

        Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI

I am Major General Nick Sirianni. I was privileged in the War for the Tush Push to serve under President Jeffrey Lurie alongside two great generals, General Jalen Hurts and General Saquon Barkley.

 

GENERAL JALEN HURTS

It was a war that separated state from state, city from city, even brother from brother.

 

         RETIRED GENERAL JASON KELCE

Yep, separated me from my brother, Travis. The separation made somewhat less harsh by the 100 million dollars we were paid for our podcast.

 

    Major GeNERAL NICK SIRIANNI

In early 2025 the forces massed on each side. The men in our camp realized what horrors the next morning might bring...

   CoRPORAL HIGHSMITH

Oh, Sarah, dearest! I wish you could be with me tonight. But alas, you cannot be ... because I forgot to pay for your plane ticket.

 

Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI

On a crisp afternoon in February the conflict came to a head.

 

GENERAL JALEN HURTS

Forward, men! The War for the Tush Push is joined!

 

General saquon barkley

Remember, should we win, it's on to The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon!

 

PRESIDENT JEFFREY LURIE

As the afternoon wore on, the battle swung back and forth. My generals were brilliant in the fray, my Aide-de-Camp Bradley Cooper cheering them on, constantly at my side.

 

           GENERAL JALEN HURTS

All around me bodies were hurtling into space, smashing against one another, men falling to the ground, crying out: Hike! Hike! Hike! Then I saw one of the most frightening things I've ever seen ...

 

Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI

It was Barkley! He'd flunked hard to the ground. It looked like ... he wasn't going to get up!

 

 PRESIDENT JEFFREY LURIE

Get up, Saquon, for the love of God, please get up ...

  

 

   GENERAL SAQUON BARKLEY

I too thought I was down for the count. But I couldn't let the Tush Push down. We needed one more charge, so I rallied!

 

GENERAL JALEN HURTS

One more charge to victory. All our men together, pushing tushing hard, once more, into the breach!

 

Major geNERAL NICK SIRIANNI

We broke through their lines! The Tush Push had been liberated.

 

   PRESIDENT JEFFREY LURIE

Victory at last! For the Eagles and the Tush Push! Bradley Cooper and I hugged each other for joy!

 

  RETIRED GENERAL JASON KELCE

And I hated to say it but take that, Travis! Of course later he became engaged to Taylor Swift, not too shabby, but my wife Kylie's podcast ain't too shabby either!

 

   CORPORAL HIGHSMITH

Oh, Sarah, we have been victorious! I am well and will see you soon! In a few days after I sober up from being shit-faced from the celebration.

 

Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI

And then it happened ...

 

JIMMY FALLON

And with us tonight are the two heroes who turned the tide of battle in The War for the Tush Push, Welcome to the Tonight Show: Jalen Hurts and Saquon Barkley!

Thank you, Jimmy. 

 

 

GENERAL JALEN HURTS

Thank you, Jimmy.

 

GENERAL SAQUoN BARkleY

Great to be here.

 

JIMMY FALLON

You know I’ve been wondering something about you guys since your stirring victory.

 

GENERAL JALEN HURTS

Yes?

 

JIMMY FALLON

You two ever think about playing football?

 Ashokan Farewell plays

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I Am A Backwards Phillies Baseball Cap And I'm Sorry But I Simply Don't Belong on Perry's Head

Hey, Perry, thanks for buying me.

I am a Backwards Phillies Baseball Cap.  I was made to be that way. 

You and I are gonna have a a lot of fun together, you riding me backwards on your head, me proudly aloft, both of us playing softball, hanging with buds, and of course checking out the ladies.

Yep, it's gonna be a good life!

Wait a minute!  There's something wrong here.  My spidey sense is tingling!

Perry, you watch "Only Murders in the Building.""

You find Helen Mirren and Dame Judi Dench oddly attractive.

Lately you've been considering a reverse mortgage and you don't even need one but you're a sucker for Tom Selleck.

This looks bad, very bad.  Oh no!

You drink two Ensures every day!

OMG, Perry Block, you're 75 years old!!!

How were you allowed to buy me?  What kind of people are they hiring at Rally Sports these days?  Baseball cap sadists?  

Didn't anyone tell you there's an age cutoff  for wearing Backwards Phillies Caps? 

By most authorities that cutoff is 35 years old, but some other authorities rate it even younger.  Keynesian economist Paul Krugman, who is also an expert on Baseball Capology, has written extensively on the subject and has designated 27 as a more accurate cutoff.  

And he has a Nobel Prize. 

Didn't they tell you that wearing a backwards baseball cap while 75 is against the law in most jurisdictions? True, it's only a misdemeanor in Philadelphia but should Phillies Karen spot us  you'll face charges while I'll spend the rest of my life on top of that goofy short gray haircut trolling for baseballs and  grabbing them out of the hands of decent folk from coast to coast!

Oh, Perry, please take me to Backwards Phillies Baseball Cap Rescue and rehome so that I may be worn backwards by a freckled faced kid named Skippy who spends his lazy summer afternoons at the old fishin' hole.

What am I saying! I don't want to live in a Norman Rockwell painting!

Okay, Perry, you seem like a very nice person.  Actually I wouldn't go that far but at least you're not a shit.  I guess I could get used to you wearing me forward in that old guy style which makes you look like you could be Nick Castellanos' gardener.

I guess things could be worse.

I  could be a Backwards Mets Baseball Cap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I just can't abide that goofy short gray haircut!"

Federal Troops Come to Havertown PA

 

I was a little surprised when I first heard what Trump was up to several weeks ago.

"I'm sending the National Guard and Federal Troops to Havertown Pennsylvania," he pronounced during a state visit with the Sultan of Brunei. "It is a Democrat run municipality - that is part of a county that is part of a township - that is out of control with crime and nobody feels safe to leave their homes to go to the local Wawa to get themselves a hoagie, not even Jason Kelce!"

I had to agree. There'd been a run of jaywalking incidents of late, some doggy poop not completely scooped up so residents had to step around it, and true, I hadn't seen Jason Kelce - Havertown's most celebrated resident - at Wawa of late. (Not that I've ever seen Jason Kelce except on television.)

Last week, there came a knock at the door.

"Mr. Block, open up, it's General Kropotkin!"

OMG, was the Department of War coming down on me? What had I done?

"Come in, General," I sputtered,  "what can I do for you?"

"We need your help, Mr. Block.  Can we count on you to let us know if you spot anything suspicious?"

"Of course you can, General!  My middle initial is "S" for Snitch."

The next day a battalion of over 1,000 armed troops, locked and loaded, fanned out across Havertown, many hundreds splayed out between the YMCA, the breakfast nook, and the florist. True to my pledge, I informed General Kropotkin that one of my neighbors was putting out his garbage and recycling by the curb before, not after, the municipality's allowable time of 3 PM, and looking quite self-satisfied and smug about it at the time .

I had made good my pledge.

 

 After a week, there was another knock at the door

"We're leaving now, Mr. Block, we discovered that Jason Kelce hasn't been to Wawa not because of rampant crime but because he's been busy getting fitted with a tuxedo for his brother's wedding."

"So that's why I haven't seen him at Wava"

"Thanks for your service, Mr. Block."

"Thank you for YOUR service, General!"

"You're welcome.  Oh, I picked up your newspaper, here it is."

"Thank you."  

"BTW, I'm glad you read the Inquirer."

"Why's that?" 

"Because it's relentlessly liberal! If more people read it, we could get that bastard Trump out of office so I could get back to doing what I was trained for!"

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Kristi Noem and Tom Homan Auction Off the Equipment and Fixtures of Alligator Alcatraz

"Morning, Warden Mordant.  How are you?"

"Lousy, Claire!  I can't believe Alligator Alcatraz is closing and I'm out of my brutal, sadistic job. Are there any messages?"

"No, but there's two very strange looking people in your office. One has an artificial plastic looking face and the other is a glowering old man!"

Well, I'll just open the door and see ... OMG, it's the Joker and the Penguin!

"No, no, Warden Mordant, I'm Kristi Noem and this is Tom Homan!"

"Well, sorry, you two, but that's a natural mistake."

"We're here, Warden Mordant, because President Donald Trump,❤️ Blessed Be He❤️, has authorized us to auction off all the equipment and fixtures in this place to recoup the  $238,000,000 expenses we've incurred."

"Yep, there's a hell of a lot of expenses to recoup!"    

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Auction

Noem: Good morning, everyone!

Auction Bidders: OMG, it's the Joker and the Penguin!

Noem: No, no, folks! It's Kristi Noem and Tom Homan.

Auction Bidders: Well, sorry you two, but that's a natural mistake.

Noem: The first item going up for bids, folks, is the fencing and razor wire all around this place. Perfect for rounding up your dogs and cats so you can ....  

Homan: Okay, moving right along! Start the bidding at $250,000. Going once ... going twice ... not a single bid!

Noem:  All right, maybe President Donald Trump, ❤️Blessed Be He❤️, can use this fencing for his border wall.

Homan: And Mexico will pay us for it?

Noem: Boy are you gullible! And I thought I was unqualified!

Homan: The next item is medical equipment from the Alligator Alcatraz Infirmary including a stethoscope, thermometer, and blood pressure monitor.

Noem: Of course this is all dummy equipment made to create the laughable illusion that we care enough about these criminal inmates to actually have an infirmary.

Homan: Ha, ha, ha! It's perfect for a Child's Play Doctor Kit. Start the bidding at $50,000.

Noem: Going once ... going twice ....

Auction Participant: I'll take it for five dollars.

Homan: SOLD!  So you have a young child who likes to play doctor?

Auction Participant: Nah, I'm a doctor with Medicaid patients. Given projected patient outcomes, doesn't matter whether these things work or not.

Warden Mordant: Guys, this isn't working! You're never gonna raise the  $238,000,000 that President Donald Trump, ❤️Blessed Be He❤️, has authorized you to raise this way.

Homan; You're right, Warden Mordant.  But what can we do?

Warden Mordant: Isn't it obvious? There's only one way for you two to score big money fast! 

Noem: Are you ready, Penguin?

Homan: More than ready, Joker!

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