My bathroom mirror is a big fat liar.
But in a good way.
Perhaps you have a similar relationship with your bathroom mirror as well.
My mirror - his name is Bob - and I have been together for a good 27 years, ever since I first moved into this place. We've been through a lot together over those 27 years including a marriage, two children, some job travails, and various and sundry other vagaries and assorted mishegas of Father Time.
Over that time Bob has done his best to shield me from ... well, those many various and sundry vagaries and assorted mishegas of Father Time.
"Good morning, Perry! How are you this fine day?" Bob greets me as I stumble into the bathroom first thing in the morning.
"Lousy, Bob. And it's anything but a fine day."
"Oh, come on, it's not as bad as all that. You're looking good today!"
"Bob, how can you say that? Look at those dark circles under my eyes, it looks like I just fell on two shot glasses!"
"For somebody who's 74, you look like you're 64."
"64? Not 54?"
"I was going to say 54. Now you know what to do: Turn your head 45 degrees to the right so that the left side of your face is most prominent."
"Yeah, I guess that's my best side."
"Right you are! Turn, turn, easy as she goes, Perry, easy as she goes ... Perfect! Now tilt your head upward, that's it, and give me that fetching smile!''
"Well, I'm not sure I'm in the mood to go fetch, but that does look a little better."
"Not a little better, but way good! You're still one handsome dude!"
"Thank you, Bob."
"Now I know you're going to have a good day. Maybe not a great day, but a good one."
"Nobody ever has a great day! Certainly not me. If you had wished me a great day, I would have known you were full of shit!"
"Do you have one of those meetups today at Gulifty's Happy Hour? Are there any promising women there?"
"Yeah, there are, but I don't know, Bob. I don't think they'd be interested ..."
"Perry! As Wayne Gretzky says 'You miss 100 % of the shots you don't take.'"
"But Wayne Gretzky turned out to be a Trumper!"
"So what? You can hold two thoughts in you head at once. Perry, I know you can."
"You're right, Bob. I guess I can."
''Go out and give 'em Hell, Big Guy!"
Then I venture forth feeling a bit like the world may today see me if not 35 years old neither as would bespeak all those years which the calendar and a birthdate in 1950 might indicate.
And then while I'm out, I may happen to catch a quick glimpse of myself in a storefront window or in a random mirror in a bar or restaurant - any mirror that is other than Bob - and when I see that image, I think:
"Oh my fucking God, I've turned into Rumpelstiltskin!!!"
I’m wrinkled, bald, desiccated, and with no chance of attracting anything more than the most marginal of women.”
I know you mean well, Bob, but you are a big fat fucking liar!
Nevertheless, I still love you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2 comments:
Just think of them as confidence boosters instead of lies.
With respect to your mirror, Russell, they may well be confidence boosters. But with respect to Bob, well, he's a big fat fucking liar! But also probably my best friend.
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