Superman! What are you doing here?
SUPERMAN
I wanted you to be the first to know, Max. I've decided to punt on my alternate guise as Clark Kent and just be Superman 24/7.
MAX
What's brought this on? Damn, I just bought a "Clark Kent" refrigerator magnet!
SUPERMAN
Because there's people everywhere who need rescuing, crimes all over the country that need stopping, Nicholas Cage movies in Hollywood that need preventing. Why should I waste time sitting in an office writing articles about Metropolis zoning board hearings, imagining Lois Lane naked, and wearing glasses that make me look like Drew Carey, host of The Price is Right?
MAX
You know, you do sort of look.... But why come see me? I'm Clark Kent's accountant, not yours.
SUPERMAN
Because I don't make any damn money as Superman! I need to eat! Actually I don't need to eat, but you get the drill.
MAX
Well, you've got to get a job. What practical skills do you have?
SUPERMAN
MAX
So, none whatsoever.
SUPERMAN
Yep, nada.
MAX
Except maybe watching a shit ton of episodes of the old Superman TV Show from the 1950's starring George Reeves.
SUPERMAN
You're helping me, right?! Boy, you are Clark Kent's accountant and not mine!
MAX
Well, maybe you could charge for Superman-ish services? Y'know, make up a sandwich board with a fee schedule like:
Save You from Rampaging Flood Waters ..... $50
Foil Lex Luther's Latest Fiendish Plan ..........$125
Battle Gruesome Monsters from Space .........$450
SUPERMAN
Umm, that last one. Do I have to win?
MAX
I would. If not, better discount it.
SUPERMAN
You forgot about saving cats from up a tree.
Jesus Christ, Superman! That should be a freebee!
SUPERMAN
But, y'know, Max, charging for those things just doesn't feel right. Batman doesn't do that.
MAX
Hate to bring this up, but hello! Batman is a fucking millionaire, dude!
SUPERMAN
Oh yeah, you're right. Bruce Wayne has cufflinks the size of Kryptonite chunks.
MAX
Maybe you could make more money in the Marvel Universe.
SUPERMAN
Are you kidding? Compete with Spiderman? Besides ... I'm kinda afraid of spiders.
MAX
Yeah, me too.
SUPERMAN
What if I just billed the United States for my annual services to the country? I could present President Biden with an itemized bill.
MAX
Yeah, but what if Trump is elected?
SUPERMAN
Then I'd be screwed as badly as the rest of the country would be! Trump pay a bill? He wouldn't pay me if I saved his hair piece from a good stiff wind.
MAX
How about driving Uber or Lift? That could be a nice side hustle at least.
SUPERMAN
Umm, Max, I'm afraid I never learned how to drive. I fly places, y'know.
MAX
Oh, right. Then, I'm stumped. Wait, what are you doing?!
SUPERMAN
I'm putting the glasses back on.
MAX
But you can't go back to being Clark Kent!
SUPERMAN
No, but maybe folks will mistake me for Drew Carey. I could host The Price is Right.
MAX
I've got a better idea. That right-wing jerk Pat Sajak is leaving Wheel of Fortune soon. Maybe you could replace him.
SUPERMAN
YES! That way I could perform an even greater service to the nation than I ever could as Superman!
MAX
Amen.
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2 comments:
I think both Max and Superman are forgetting the most highly respected skill Superman can adapt his skills to. He can do what many of our most respected citizens practice: become a professional criminal. It won't be difficult for Superman to acquire plenty of the gold that is available anywhere his strong fist can break a steel door. Since all the millionaires are robbing the United States on a daily basis, the moment Superman gets enough gold, he will be safe since like the rest of the billionaires he would be above the law.
This may be the same response I made to you comment on FB, but anyway let 'er rip again: Yes, but you are forgetting the most highly respected aspect of Superman. He is a kind human being, or Kryptonian being as the case may be. He would never do those things because he is not a criminal. Plus of course he has other means of making money not explored in my piece, such as charging people for flying them through the air or working construction by knocking down existing buildings in record time. He ain't Elon Musk. But thanks for commenting because no one else does and my joke WAS cute, god dammit!
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