Wednesday, August 23, 2023

If Superman Gave Up Being Clark Kent and Decided to be Superman 24/7

 


MAX

Superman!  What are you doing here?

SUPERMAN

I wanted  you to be the first to know, Max.  I've decided to punt on my alternate guise as Clark Kent and just be Superman 24/7. 

MAX

What's brought this on? Damn, I just bought a "Clark Kent" refrigerator magnet!

SUPERMAN

Because there's people everywhere who need rescuing, crimes all over the country that need stopping,  Nicholas Cage movies in Hollywood that need preventing. Why should I waste time sitting in an office writing articles about Metropolis zoning board hearings, imagining Lois Lane naked, and wearing glasses that make me look like Drew Carey, host of The Price is Right

MAX

You know, you do sort of look.... But why come see me?  I'm Clark Kent's accountant, not yours.

SUPERMAN

Because I don't make any damn money as Superman!  I need to eat! Actually I don't need to eat, but you get the drill.

MAX

Well, you've got to get a job. What practical skills do you have?

SUPERMAN

I can leap tall buildings in a single bound, bend steel in my bare hands, change the course of mighty rivers ...

MAX

So, none whatsoever. 

SUPERMAN

Yep, nada.

MAX

Except maybe watching a shit ton of episodes of the old Superman TV Show from the 1950's starring George Reeves.

SUPERMAN

You're helping me, right?! Boy, you are Clark Kent's accountant and not mine! 

MAX

Well, maybe you could charge for Superman-ish services?  Y'know, make up a sandwich board with a fee schedule like: 

Save You from Rampaging Flood Waters ..... $50

Foil Lex Luther's Latest Fiendish Plan ..........$125

Battle Gruesome Monsters from Space .........$450                   

SUPERMAN

Umm, that last one.  Do I have to win?

MAX

I would.  If not, better discount it.

SUPERMAN

You forgot about saving cats from up a tree.


MAX

Jesus Christ, Superman! That should be a freebee!

SUPERMAN

But, y'know, Max, charging for those things just doesn't feel right.  Batman doesn't do that.

MAX

Hate to bring this up, but hello! Batman is a fucking millionaire, dude!

SUPERMAN

Oh yeah,  you're right. Bruce Wayne has cufflinks the size of Kryptonite chunks.

MAX

Maybe you could make more money in the Marvel Universe.

SUPERMAN

Are you kidding?  Compete with Spiderman?  Besides ... I'm kinda afraid of spiders.

MAX

Yeah, me too.

SUPERMAN

What if I just billed the United States for my annual services to the country?  I could present President Biden with an itemized bill. 

MAX

Yeah, but what if Trump is elected? 

SUPERMAN

Then I'd be screwed as badly as the rest of the country would be! Trump pay a bill? He wouldn't pay me if I saved his hair piece from a good stiff  wind.  

MAX

How about driving Uber or Lift? That could be a nice side hustle at least.

SUPERMAN

Umm,  Max,  I'm afraid I never learned how to drive.  I fly places, y'know.

MAX

Oh, right.  Then, I'm stumped.  Wait, what are you doing?!

SUPERMAN

I'm putting the glasses back on.

MAX

But you can't go back to being Clark Kent!

SUPERMAN

No, but maybe folks will mistake me for Drew Carey.  I could host The Price is Right.

MAX

I've got a better idea.  That right-wing jerk Pat Sajak is leaving Wheel of Fortune soon. Maybe you could replace him.

SUPERMAN

YES! That way I could perform an even greater service to the nation than I ever could as Superman!

MAX

Amen.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bonus Feature

And now, by popular lack of demand, we present Superman taking on the Pillow Guy.  The Pillow Guy probably thought the Pillow of Steel had a chance to defeat the Man of Steel.

No such luck for him. 

And never fear: Superman is not going to take over Wheel of Fortune.  He will remain Superman and available to save you and me whenever the need arises.

As long as The Price is Right.



2 comments:

Ilil said...

I think both Max and Superman are forgetting the most highly respected skill Superman can adapt his skills to. He can do what many of our most respected citizens practice: become a professional criminal. It won't be difficult for Superman to acquire plenty of the gold that is available anywhere his strong fist can break a steel door. Since all the millionaires are robbing the United States on a daily basis, the moment Superman gets enough gold, he will be safe since like the rest of the billionaires he would be above the law.

Perry Block said...

This may be the same response I made to you comment on FB, but anyway let 'er rip again: Yes, but you are forgetting the most highly respected aspect of Superman. He is a kind human being, or Kryptonian being as the case may be. He would never do those things because he is not a criminal. Plus of course he has other means of making money not explored in my piece, such as charging people for flying them through the air or working construction by knocking down existing buildings in record time. He ain't Elon Musk. But thanks for commenting because no one else does and my joke WAS cute, god dammit!