Tuesday, August 1, 2017

I Hire the Mooch, for a Very Short Time

Having decided of late to do a self-published humor book, I thought I might need some marketing muscle to get the book off the ground. I realized that my marketing muscle was the equivalent of that of a 98 pound weakling, and I didn’t need to get sand kicked in my face along with not selling any books.
So I went on Craig’s List and found a guy who called himself a Director of Communications who was just out a job, and he shot over for an interview.

“Perry Block, it’s great to meet you, call me Mooch!” he exclaimed.


“No, Mooch! I love you and I wish you well, and I hope you go on to make a tremendous amount of money.”

He was a really lively little guy dancing around as if he had to take a wicked pee and hadn’t been informed by anyone that bathrooms had been invented.

“Well, Mooch, that’s very nice that you love me, but can you help me with promoting a book?"

“Can I promote your book? You’ll be No. 1 on the New York Times Best Seller List quicker than I usually get fired at any of the jobs I've had. Here's what I’m going to say about you:

“I’ve seen this guy throw a dead spiral through a tire. I’ve seen him at Madison Square Garden with a topcoat on. He’s standing in the key and he’s hitting foul shots and swishing them, OK? He sinks 3-foot putts.”

“But that’s not true, Mooch.  Next thing you’ll tell them I have a three foot putz!”

“No, not exactly. But I am going to tell them you can suck your own cock.”

“That’s disgusting!  Besides, only Ron Jeremy can do that.”

“I know. I worked for him too.”

“Look, Mooch, what it is you can do for me?”

I can love you! Also I can fire all the leakers.”

“But I don’t have any leakers!  What would they leak about, that I’m doing my laundry and I put in too much bleach?”

“Too much bleach? Shows poor judgment!  I’ll cock-block these leakers for you the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months ... and he’s me.’”

“I’m sorry, Mooch, I have a feeling this isn’t going to work out.”

“Oh, no, please I need this job! My wife just had a baby!”

“Oh, I see, well, in that case …”

“And the baby’s already got a big job at Goldman Sachs!  I have to keep up!”

So I hired Mooch and it’s been three weeks now, the longest he's ever been at any job. I don't know how much longer he'll last, but one thing is abundantly  clear. 

He loves me!



Russell Gayer said...

Too much bleach? How else are you going to get those stains out of your shorts. I'm sure that's what Mooch meant when he was talking about "leakers." Perhaps I should ship you a box of Depends and a t-shirt that reads, I taught Ron Jeremy everything he knows.

Perry Block said...

I taught both the Mooch and Ron Jeremy everything they know. Mooch about being soft-spoken and Ron Jeremy about contending with a small penis. Everything they know about those things they know from MOI!