Tuesday, August 1, 2017

I Hire the Mooch, for a Very Short Time

Having decided of late to do a self-published humor book, I thought I might need some marketing muscle to help get the book off the ground. I realized that my marketing muscle was the equivalent of that of a 98 pound weakling, and I didn’t need to get sand kicked in my face along with not selling any books.
So I went on Craig’s List and found a guy who called himself a Director of Communications who was just out a job and eager for work. He shot over for an interview.

“Perry Block, it’s great to meet you, call me Mooch!” he exclaimed.


“No, Mooch! I just love you, and I wish you well, and I hope you go on to make a tremendous amount of money.”

Boy, he was a really lively little guy with hair so black it practically began shining my shoes as soon as he came into the room. He was dancing around as if he had to take a wicked pee and hadn’t been informed that bathrooms had been invented.

“Well, Mooch, that’s very nice … umm … that you love me, but let me tell you a little bit about …..

“No need, I know you’re promoting a book!  Hey, Per, I’m going to build you up so fast you’ll be No. 1 on the New York Times Best Seller List quicker than I got fired at my last job!”

“But how can you do that?  This is just a humble self-published book.”

“Don’t be so self-deprecating, guy!   I love you, but you won’t sell any books that way!  Here’s what I’m going to say about you:

“I’ve seen this guy throw a dead spiral through a tire. I’ve seen him at Madison Square Garden with a topcoat on. He’s standing in the key and he’s hitting foul shots and swishing them, OK? He sinks 3-foot putts.”

“But that’s not true, Mooch!  Next thing you’ll tell them I have a three foot putz!”

“No, not exactly. I'm going to tell them you can suck your own cock!”

“No, that’s disgusting!  Besides, only Ron Jeremy can do that.”

“I know. I worked for him too.”

“Look, Mooch!  Can you tell me what it is you can do for me?”

“I can love you! Also I can fire all the leakers.”

“But I don’t have any leakers.  What would they leak about? That I’m doing my laundry and that I put in too much bleach? Who cares?”

“Too much bleach? Shows poor judgment! I worked for a guy who had poor judgment.  Actually he was a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac!  I’ll cock-block these leakers for you the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months, and he’s me.’”

“I’m sorry, Mooch, I have a feeling this isn’t going to work out.”

“Oh, no, please I need this job! My wife just had a baby!”

“Oh, I see, well, in that case …”

“And the baby’s already got a big job at Goldman Sachs!  I have to keep up!”

Well, so I hired Mooch and it’s been three weeks now, the longest he’s ever lasted at a job so he says.  His communications skills aren’t all that great but my shoes are always shined beautifully.

And he just loves me to death.



Russell Gayer said...

Too much bleach? How else are you going to get those stains out of your shorts. I'm sure that's what Mooch meant when he was talking about "leakers." Perhaps I should ship you a box of Depends and a t-shirt that reads, I taught Ron Jeremy everything he knows.

Perry Block said...

I taught both the Mooch and Ron Jeremy everything they know. Mooch about being soft-spoken and Ron Jeremy about contending with a small penis. Everything they know about those things they know from MOI!