Friday, August 14, 2015

Having my (Boomer) Baby

 

My friend Sherry is a Boomer who's currently into her Great Second Act. Unfortunately without some very unique help, her second act is about to close in New Haven.


After years of sitting behind a desk, Sherry decided to try standing up as a stand up comic. To say she is not exactly killing it is an understatement; she has fewer fans than there are members of Illegal Immigrants for Trump.

But I've an idea to ensure her success, and mine along with it.

"We're going to pretend to have a baby?!! Perry, you're nuts, we're Boomers!!!"

"That's the point.  We'll be Two Boomers And A Baby."

"How could I possibly give birth?  I'm 59 years old!"

"Hey, I'm 64.  How could I possibly get it up?"

"Good point. I guess we could chalk it up to a Double Medical Miracle!"

"Sure, whatever!  Then I'll promote our story on my blog, you'll do the stand up, and in no time at all our legend will gather heft!"

"Heft? We'll be in an advanced state of heftiness?"

"Yes, the heftiest heftiness! Can't you just see it?  Book deals, movies, Walmart openings!"

"Okay, so how did we happen to do the deed?"

"Well, I had to work up to it."

"How'd you manage that?"

"I masturbated to Florence Henderson for six months."

"You're a Boomer all right. How did you get me in the mood?"

"I took you to a lovely dinner, we came back to my place, and I wowed you with my charm and debonair style."

"So it's total fiction then."

"Wha-a-a-t?"

"I mean, who could resist a balding 64 year old Jew on heavy medication?"

"That's better. And after that we discovered in one tender beautiful golden moment that you --- my sweet dear one --- were preggers as all hell!" 

"But how could my useless uterus nurture a child?"

"Who knows, we sent out for corned beef, it doesn't matter!" 

  • "Okay, Perry, I'll take it from here. We were both thrilled with the news because neither one of us had heard the pitter patter of little feet since Fantasy Island was last on the air."  
  • "We named him Adam according to the lovely Jewish custom of bestowing upon a child a name reminiscent of a deceased relative or loved one. In this case it was my uncle Aaron, who was a real bastard."
  • "I decided not to breastfeed Adam because I didn't want exposure to my over half a century old boobs to turn him gay."
  • And so there I was, making goo-goo and gah-gah sounds, up to my knees in stinky poopie diapers, and filing for social security."
  • "Saturday we took the baby out for a walk in his stroller. Sunday he took us out for a stroll in our walkers."

"Great lines, Sherry!  At least mine were. Soon we'll be as viral on the Internet as some random cat owned by an obscure nobody." 

"Right you are! Then Two Boomers And A Baby will appear on television and become America's sweethearts. Provided we remember to tweeze our ear hairs first."  

"See how great it's gonna be, Sherry?  The world will be our oyster!"

"There's just one problem, Perry?"

"What's that?"

"How are we going to get a baby?"

"Umm ..you got one by any chance?"

"No.  You?"

"I don't even have a blow-up doll.  Not anymore anyway." 

"So what are we going to do?"

"Remember what I said about the world being our oyster?"

"Yes?"

"Well, I guess I'm going to have to go get me a mess of ...."

"Deals off!"

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6 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. And remember: we're going to be a viral as some random cat!

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  2. I think it would make a great reality show, Perry. If people tune in to watch the Duggar family, surely they'll tune it to watch you and Sherry. Excuse me if I pass on the circumcision episode. Poor little Adam.
    Hey, you don't still have some of those Florence Henderson photos do you?

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    Replies
    1. The Florence Henderson videos are MINE! The circumcision episode has not been filmed yet since we haven't yet been able to scare up a baby.

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  3. Can I star as the "Obstetrician to the Boomer Stars"? Maybe I can spin off into my own reality show. "The Real Old Mothers of Las Vegas - or Silicon Enhanced Boomer's Babies".

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    Replies
    1. Silicon Enhanced Boomer's Babies? Sounds good to me. You're in, Tracey!

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