Friday, August 14, 2015

Having my (Boomer) Baby


My friend Sherry is a Boomer who's currently into her Great Second Act. Unfortunately without some very unique help, her second act is about to close in New Haven.

After years of sitting behind a desk, Sherry decided to try stand up comedy. She is not exactly killing it. She has fewer fans than there are members of Illegal Immigrants for Trump.

But I've an idea to ensure her success, and mine along with it.

"We're going to pretend to have a baby?! Perry, you're nuts, we're Boomers!!"

"That's the point.  We'll be Two Boomers And A Baby."

"How could I possibly give birth?  I'm 59 years old."

"Hey, I'm 64.  How could I possibly get it up?"

"I guess we could chalk it up to a Double Medical Miracle!"

"Then I'll promote our story on my blog and in no time at all our legend will gather heft!"


"The heftiest Heft. Book deals, movies, Walmart openings!"

"So how did we happen to do the deed?"

"Well, I had to work up to it."


"I masturbated to Florence Henderson for six months."

"How did you get me in the mood?"

"I took you to a lovely dinner, we came back to my place, and I wowed you with my charm and debonair style."

"So it's total fiction then?"

"Wait a minute! Who could resist a balding 64 year old Jew on heavy medication?"

"Certainly not me. So I give birth.  What next?"

"We create one-of-a-kind Two Boomers And A Baby comedy!  Let's try out some lines:

  • We were both thrilled because neither one of us had heard the pitter patter of little feet for so long.  Ever since Fantasy Island was off the air; I miss that Tattoo!"  
  • "I decided not to breastfeed the baby because I didn't want exposure to my over half a century old boobs to turn him gay."
  • There I was, making goo-goo and gah-gah sounds, up to my knees in stinky poopy diapers, and filing for social security."
  • "Saturday we took the baby out for a walk in his stroller. Sunday he took us out for a stroll in our walkers."

"Great lines, Sherry!  At least mine were. Soon we'll be as viral on the Internet as some random cat." 

"Then Two Boomers And A Baby will appear on television and become America's sweethearts. Provided we remember to tweeze our ear hairs first."  

"See how great it's gonna be, Sherry?  The world will be our oyster!"

"There's just one problem, Perry?"

"What's that?"

"Where are we going to get a baby?"

"Umm got one by any chance?"

"No.  You?"

"I don't even have a blow-up doll.  Not anymore anyway." 

"So what are we going to do?"

"Remember what I said about the world being our oyster?"


"Well, I guess I'm going to have to go get me a mess of ...."

"Deals off!"



Intangible Hearts said...

Oh dear.Great idea in theory. :)

Perry Block said...

And remember: we're going to be a viral as some random cat!

Russell said...

I think it would make a great reality show, Perry. If people tune in to watch the Duggar family, surely they'll tune it to watch you and Sherry. Excuse me if I pass on the circumcision episode. Poor little Adam.
Hey, you don't still have some of those Florence Henderson photos do you?

Unknown said...

Can I star as the "Obstetrician to the Boomer Stars"? Maybe I can spin off into my own reality show. "The Real Old Mothers of Las Vegas - or Silicon Enhanced Boomer's Babies".

Perry Block said...

The Florence Henderson videos are MINE! The circumcision episode has not been filmed yet since we haven't yet been able to scare up a baby.

Perry Block said...

Silicon Enhanced Boomer's Babies? Sounds good to me. You're in, Tracey!