Saturday, May 5, 2012

Citizen Kane in 60 Seconds


"I will defeat Boss Jim W. Gettys 
right after I pick my enormous nose here." 

3--2--1---GO!

"Rosebud." 
News On the March!

"In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree." 

Here in his palatial estate Xanadu last week,  Charles Foster Kane was lain out.  Permanently.  

Kane's empire, in its glory, held dominion over 37 newspapers, 13 magazines, a radio station, and 2 Twitter accounts. Twice married, twice divorced (which makes a lot more sense that if he had been, say, twice married, five times divorced).  In politics always a bridesmaid, never a bride, though he would have looked just lovely as one.

And finally collapse of his entire empire.   Bummer.

Then, as it must to all men, Death came to Charles Foster Kane.   Sadly, he had been waiting only for the pizza man.

Flashbacks


"Charles, put away that stupid sled --- whatever the hell its name is  ---  and say hello to Mr. Thatcher who I'm signing you over to lock, stock, and barrel now that I'm rich.  You're cool with that, kid.... right?"

"Come along with me, Charles, we'll have so much fun together.  For your ninth birthday, I'm going to give you a Disney's SEC Form 10-K Funpack!"

~~~~~~

"I think it might be fun to run a newspaper!   Especially the classifieds, legal notices, and lingerie ads!" 

~~~~~~

"Declaration of Principles, Jedediah."

"That's great, Charlie.   But aren't  No. 1:   Always tell the truth  and  No. 4:  Foment  phony, unnecessary wars  a  bit  inconsistent?"

"Ask George Bush."   
~~~~~~

"Six years ago I looked at the picture of the world's greatest newspapermen, and felt like a kid in front of a candy store. That's because all of them were actually made of chocolate!   Today I got my candy.  You know, they're a little stale now."

~~~~~~

"Who buys the food, tra-la-la-la!, Who buys the drinks, tra-la-la-la! Who wrote these lyrics?!!, tra-la-la-la ...." 

~~~~~~

"Do we have a Society Editor at the Inquirer?"

"Yes, Mr. Kane, and believe me it was hard to find a gay man in 1941."

"Print that I'm marrying Miss Emily Norton, whose blood is so blue you could use it to sanitize your toilet bowl!"

~~~~~~

"Charles, does it seem our breakfast table is getting progressively larger?"

"Yes, Emily, it's almost like the table is getting a hard on!"

"Really, Charles, people will think ...."

"What I tell them to think!    Especially when it comes to puppy dogs, paper doilies, and little pink frilly things!" 


~~~~~~

"I'm splashed with mud, young lady!"

"You want some hot water, mister, I live right here. But realize I'm not that kind of girl!"

"I run a couple of newspapers, what do you do?"

"Being you run a couple of newspapers,  pretty much anything and everything you can damn well imagine, you sexy stud!"

~~~~~~

"I am running for office to expose  Boss Jim W. Gettys and his entire corrupt machine!  I believe it is either his refrigerator or his toaster that's corrupt." 

"You see, Mr. Kane, your wife Emily and I -  and my corrupt refrigerator -  all know about your clandestine meetings with Susan Alexander."

"Gettys, would you believe that Susan and I are conducting weekly graduate level seminars in Metaphysical Poetry?  Thought not." 

~~~~~~

"I'm through with politics, boys.  We're going to be a great opera star!"

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!   Mr. Kane, you'd have done better to try to make Boss Jim W. Gettys the opera star!"

"Jedediah, I've finished  the opera review for you and I agree:  better I'd  have married ABBA." 


~~~~~~

"And under the buy-out, Charles, you'll still maintain some measure of control over the newspapers; that is, you can have them delivered on the front lawn or in the bushes, your choice."

"Well, at least I'm still rich, right, Mr. Thatcher?

"About that, Charles.  Ever heard of a place called Olive Garden


~~~~~~

"I'm leaving  you, Charlie, it sucks here at Xanadu.  I'm tired of having to take a helicopter to the living room and waking up  every morning with Clark Gable's teeth next to my bed! "

"Rosebud.  Ooops, dropped the damn snow globe.  My  bad."


Ending

"I've been investigating all of the threads of Charles Foster Kane's life and interviewed all those people yet living who knew him.  And I have determined conclusively that his final utterance  Rosebud refers to ....

OMG, we're already over 60 seconds, no time for this!"    

Black Smoke Rises from Xanadu.   

A new Pope is not elected.

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 I even managed to work in this goofy little number 
as well!


2 comments:

Gary Cohn said...

Whew!! That was quick! Thank you for saving me from re-watching the movie. Clever!

Perry Block said...

Glad you enjoyed.

Okay, what are you up for next? The Seventh Seal, or just some good porno?

Thanks for writing!