The CBS Evening / My Weekly Reader News

                                                         

                                                        Bari Weiss Presents

       The CBS Evening / My Weekly Reader News!

       

                      

                         

News Headlines

President Donald J. Trump Has Stopped Another Conflict!

He spake unto the leaders of Freedonia and Bacteria:

All The World Over It's Easy to See, People Everywhere Just Got To Be Free 

And Poof! 

This was the 147th conflict Mr. Trump has ended. But who's counting other than him, and us! Only thing: Who knows where the hell these countries are and whether they were fighting over land, religion, or pictures of Sydney Sweeney!

  

Yet Another Award for President Trump!

President Trump Receiving the 2026 Peel Award From The Brotherhood of Guys Who Like to Dress Up Like Bananas. "I richly deserve this Award more than anyone who spends his weekends dressed up like a banana!" said Mr. Trump.

And he does!

Epstein Hoax Update

Okay it was this guy! All along. 

Throw him to the wolves!  It's okay.

Now can you leave our wonderful President alone? 

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Up Close and Personal 

with Anchor Tony Dokoupil

• I'll Straighten Katy Tur out, don't you worry!
• Good Hair is all you need!
• I can't pronounce  "Dokoupil" either!

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Laff Time!

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  One to determine if the light bulb is sufficiently woke and if it is, all the other liberals in the world to keep it from changing!

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Our Person of the Week:

"I love this man and you should too!"

Bari Weiss

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Spot the Differences!

Answer:  There are none!  Each picture is perfect!      

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Movie Time!

Our Reviewer Recommends:

MELANIA!

Ooops!  That's the wrong picture!

Rating: Two Thumbs Up

(Meaning two thumbs up your ass if you don't love this movie!)

Tune in Tomorrow to:  

The CBS Evening / My Weekly Reader News!

 

When we'll be reporting on all the journalists who have resigned from this right-wing rag! 

 

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In Honor of Edward R. Murrow: 

"Good night and Good Luck"

With us in charge of the news, you'll need it!

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

 

Boy, I'm bummed!

Yes, of course I'm freezing my tushie off! It’s February, Zeus damn it, and I’m only wearing a loin cloth!

My name's Cupid, how the hell are ya?

I am the Big Kahuna of St. Valentine's Day, the lamest holiday ever. A commercial pit stop on the calendar artificially constructed to sell greeting cards, chocolate, roses, and jewelry.

How do I hate thee, Valentine's Day? Let me count the ways.

For the holiday that supposedly has a heart, when it comes to single people you are heartless.  All around them they see nothing but couples gazing ardently into each other's eyes and pawing one other passionately.

I do what I can to help out, but I am just one cherub. The only Significant Other most single people wind up with on Valentine’s Day is the significant other that’s at the other end of their arm.

Married couples fare no better with thee, Valentine's Day. 

Of any ten random married couples, four hate each other with the same passionate intensity that Will Ferrell hates being funny. For them, Valentine’s Day begins with breakfast at a table that becomes progressively longer each year until finally one of the two is shoved out on the front lawn.

(Thanks a lot for coming up with that metaphor, Orson Welles!)

Having exchanged the requisite box of chocolates or roses --- often with specified extra thorns --- they repair to an evening of internecine conflict the likes of which I haven't seen since the Peloponnesian War! 

Of the ten random couples, four profess deep feelings to each other that they do indeed have --- for other people!

The husband presents flowers to the wife that he'd love to be proffering to the woman in Marketing with the big tits and the wife gives chocolates to the husband she dreams of tendering in person to Pedro Pascal.

If they do it all, it is  Pedro Pascal and Melissa Goldstein in Marketing who are doing the deed, not them! 

Finally, of the ten random couples, two do indeed love each other with the same deep romantic passion that an orthodontist feels for anyone who's English! 

Sometimes --- ahem ---  my arrows do work wonders!

These two count the micro-seconds until they can once again be enveloped in one another's arms, smooch like Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr on the beach, and do the deed for hours on end like the mightiest of Olympians!

Frankly, these folks don't need Valentine's Day. What they could use is a break.  

Their kids haven't seen them since August. 

So what about you?  Where do you fall in the spectrum?

I thought so!  

Well, that's what my arrows are for, my friend.

Shall I take aim?  

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Reprinted from February 6, 2012

From The People Who Brought You "Melania" ...

Just when you thought it was safe

to renew your subscription to Amazon Prime

From Amazon Prime, the people you turn to when you need to order hemorrhoid cream and also the producer of the smash suck-up hit  

Which was the reason you canceled Amazon Prime in the first place,

Comes

A Jeff Bezos Prostrate Production

    BONDI

and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good,                                               Very Bad Hearing!

You'll thrill to moments like these:           

        "Why didn't we redact the names of survivors? Darn it, the Sorting Hat must have run plumb out of juice that day!"

"I would love to  turn around and face the survivors.  But I'm just not looking my best today!"

"Why aren't we talking about how much the stock market is soaring??? That's what we should be talking about!!  

And know what? Pedophiles made that happen!"

"Why aren't you asking Merrick Garland about this?  Or Judy Garland?

Or John Merrick, the Elephant Man? 

"Don't you ever accuse me of lying! As sure as Trump won the 2020 election, I never lie!"

 "President Trump is the most transparent president ever!   I mean ... umm ... transparent as in 'easy to see through.'"

"Not only is the Stock Market soaring, the Tony Dow is over the roof at 5,000 degrees Fahrenheit as well!

"How many perpetrators have I prosecuted? Well ... um... none so far, but then the millennia is young."

"Why does Donald Trump's name appear hundreds of thousands of times in the Epstein Files with no details?

Because the Sorting Hat is all full of juice now!"

                                                            

And coming soon

From Jeff Bezos Prostrate Productions

Jeanine, Why Can't You Be True?

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The Threat of the Five-Year-Old Domestic Terrorists

 

 A Press Conference in The Very Near Future:

"Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm Border Czar Tom Homan." 

"And I'm Director of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem."

Minneapolis Press Corps: OMG!  That bizarre clownlike artificial face! That ugly glowering older man face! It's ... it's ....Oh, No!  It's the Joker and the Penguin!

Homan: No, no folks! We're Kristi Noem and Tom Homan.

Press Corps: Sorry you two, but that's a natural mistake.

Noem: We're here to inform all of you that we have scoped out once and for all the major source of domestic terrorism here in Minneapolis and elsewhere that is hampering and sabotaging our critical immigration efforts.

Press Corps: Yes, which is?

Homan: Five-year-olds. 

Press Corps: Five-year-olds?

Homan:  Yes, five-year-old domestic terrorists! You've all seen this image recently circulated of the young terrorist in the blue knit cap, but what you haven't seen is that he came to the protest in question ready to inflict maximum harm on our brave ICE agents. 

Noem: He aggressively approached our agents brandishing a ...a ...a ...

                                              

Homan: Let me just say it right out loud!  Brandishing a frog!  A frog that might have bitten our agents! Or even worse, given them warts on contact!

Noem: It took seven agents to wrestle this little terrorist  to the ground and disarm him of the venomous frog during which all the while he was viciously kicking and biting.  Our agents feared for their lives! 

Homan: And their complexions!

Noem: And when they finally had him neutralized they found he had even another weapon on him.

Press Corps: What was it? A machete? A gun with multiple rounds of ammunition?

Homan: A rock.  A big one!

Noem: You should never bring a rock to a protest! 

Press Corps: We've heard President Trump has said he wants the immigration laws to be enforced with a "softer touch."

Noem: And that is exactly what we're doing! From now on whenever we arrest a five-year-old domestic terrorist we will fully refrain from telling them there is no Santa Claus!  

Homan: The Easter Bunny, though, is a whole other matter. 

Press Corps: We understand that you are planning to shortly withdraw 700 ICE agents from Minneapolis!"

Homan: Yes, that will start almost immediately.

Press Corps: Well, that's certainly good!

Homan: And we'll be sending them all directly to Sesame Street.

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If you liked this post you might also like Kristi Noem and Tom Homan Auction Off the Equipment and Fixtures of Alligator Alcatraz.

If you hated this post, I hope you ... nah, I wouldn't wish you anything as bad as having to look at or listen to these two losers for real!

There's Clickbait Everywhere, Even About Me

There's clickbait everywhere you look on the internet these days. 

And clickbait even about me. 

Thankfully there's Snopes to psych out what's true and what isn't.

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It was like nothing else that was ever seen in the world of comedy! 

When Perry Block, a previously unknown Philadelphia area comic, entered the New York Bereft Comedy Jam, little was expected of him.

Why he even entered is hard to understand. After all, he is 75-years-old, way, way past the normal age for fledgling standup comics, and his material hardly the stuff of Dave Chappelle, John Mullaney, or even Louis C.K.

But in the opening rounds of the tournament Plucky Perry literally crushed and proceeded to annihilate the competition, earning cheers from the New York  audiences and attracting rapt attention from television and movie moguls who saw the potential for a bold new comedy star who transcended age!!!

 And as David Letterman appeared to present Perry with first place.....

Snopes Review:  That's enough. We rate this story as false. Incredibly false. 

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Many of us have been told we look like a certain celebrity.

But for one Perry Block, that moment of recognition carried with it a unique and surprising twist.

Perry, an open mic comedian milling around in the club in which he was about to perform, was approached by a younger comic (who isn't?) who came up to him almost breathlessly. 

"I just had to ask," the young man fairly well stammered. "Are you ... are you Henry Winkler?"

Now Perry had been told  before that he resembled the legendary Fonz but had never before been mistaken for him.  But this time he couldn't resist having a bit of fun."

"Yes, I am,"  Perry said with a smile."  Then he gave forth with a 'Heeeyyy," and a two thumbs up in the style of the fictional Fonz from long ago and far away.

"Ah gee," said the young comic. "I'm so sorry to see how old and lousy looking you are these days, Mr. Winkler!"

Snopes Review:  We rate this story as substantially true.  Not very interesting or exciting, but true.

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Love does not often arrive for one at the later stages of life. 

But for 75-year-old  Perry Block it seemed poised to appear when he least expected it in a quiet coffee shop in a Philadelphia suburb. 

                                                                

"Excuse me," said the extraordinarily attractive 55-year-old woman sitting nearby to Perry, "but when I saw you I just had to put down my Emily Dickinson. May I sit with you?"

Perry put down his Robert Frost.  "Of course you may," he said. "Until now I thought the nicest thing that could happen to me here was a perfect swirl on top of my Cappuccino. I'm Perry." 

"My name is Danielle," she said. "Ever since my divorce I've been looking for a very slightly older man with a good sense of humor, and I don't know why but I have a good feeling that might be you."

What was to happen next between these two would-be lovers was not star-crossed but a cross between between the Hallmark Channel and OnlyFans ...

                    

Snopes Review: OMG!!! We rate this story as false. Ridiculously false!!!  In fact so ludicrously false that ...

 Perry to Snopes: With all due respect, Snopes ... shut the fuck up!

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The Return of Bob, My Bathroom Mirror

My bathroom mirror, Bob, lies to me.

He tries to raise my confidence level by regularly telling me how good I look. If Bob had fingers, they'd routinely be crossed behind his back. 

"Shpritz me with some Windex, Perry," Bob said one morning. 

"Why?  Are you dirty?"

"Nah, but if I see you more clearly I can better advise you."

"What do you mean?"

"I think you should get a haircut."

"Why is that?"

"It's too long for someone who doesn't have enough of it!"

"I know, but I'm a child of the Sixties."

"Cool, man!  Groovy!  Sorry about Bob Weir.  But  get the damn haircut!"  

"I'll see," I said, and later that day I hit a nearby standup open mic.

That night, the pilot on the Enola Gay had nothing on me.  As I left  the stage, a woman tapped me on my shoulder

"I'm Janet," she said. "Get yourself a haircut. It will up your game."

I was crestfallen, but I thanked her, and I and my fallen crest headed home.

"Okay, Bob," I said, "a woman at the club agreed with you and said I'd  be  funnier if I got a haircut."

"Who knows, Perry? It  could be true, so get that haircut."

And so I did.

My hair was cut well above my ears and radically sliced and diced in the back! I felt like a plucked chicken, no respect to chickens because I am an animal rights person.

So the next week, I trotted back to the comedy club, and again I bombed.  I went up to Janet.

"I thought you said if I got a haircut, it would up my game!" 

"Yes, but given your act," replied Janet, "we had to try something!"

I stormed back home and went right up to Bob. 

"So I got the damn haircut," I shrieked, "and I still sucked! Even Janet said it didn't make a damn bit of difference."

"Quite frankly, Perry, I didn't think it would." 

"What the fuck, Bob??!!!"

"You do look better," Bob said, "which makes it a hell of a lot easier for me to lie to you about everything else!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bob?