Note: This sketch was actually performed, with some decent effect. But what the hell, Trump is running wild these days, I'm up at night with nothing else going on as usual, so post away!
Characters
Vlad - a narcissistic vampire
Lestat - his friend
Scene opens with Vlad looking in a mirror very upset and distraught.
VLAD
I can’t stand it anymore. It’s driving me crazy!
Lestat,
another vampire, joins him on stage.
LESTAT
OMG! What’s wrong, Vlad!? What can be so bad?
VLAD
I don’t know how I look! I just can’t tell!
LESTAT
Of course you can’t tell. We’re vampires. We cast no reflection in a mirror.
VLAD
But it isn’t fair, Lestat. Here I am, 659 years undead and I can’t tell
if I’m aging well. Or not aging
well, as it were!
LESTAT
So what?
Last night I was about to bite a young lady in the
neck who was asleep in her bed and she woke up and began screaming. Loud
bloodcurdling screams! Why would she scream like that?!!
Because you’re a vampire.
VLAD
Yes, but …
About to bite her in the neck and drain her of all her
life sustaining fluids.
VLAD
Well, there is that. But how do I know it isn’t
my looks that are turning the ladies off?!
How do I know I’m not turning into the John C. Riley of vampires?
That’s silly, Vlad. What makes you think all this?
VLAD
I ran into Victor recently and I said to him “Victor,
I haven’t seen you since the Bubonic Plague.
My, you look great!” And you know what he said to me?
LESTAT
No, what?
VLAD
How ‘bout dem Phillies?
Changes the subject right away.
LESTAT
Maybe he is a big Phillies fan!
I happen to know he lives in New Jersey. He’s always
talking about how he’d love to sink his teeth into that delicious morsel Chris
Christie!!!
OMG, he would be delicious!
VLAD
But isn’t there some rule or law that when someone
compliments your looks, you have to reciprocate?
LESTAT
Never heard of such a thing. Get a grip, Vlad!
VLAD
But, Lestat, whenever I run into any of my fellow
vampires they react as though I was wearing a humongous Christian cross.
LESTAT
Vlad, of course they react that way. You live in Lower Merion. Most of your
vampire friends are Jewish.
VLAD
But I wanna be cute, just like I was during the
Spanish Inquisition! Tell me,
Lestat: am I Brad Pitt or Nosferatu?
LESTAT
I couldn’t say.
You’re just gonna have to forget about all this Vlad. As a vampire, you’re
never going to be able to see how you look.
But I want to look good. I’ve so much at stake!
LESTAT
Stake?! Don’t say the word “Stake, Vlad!”
VLAD
Sorry, sorry! Okay,
say, wanna grab a quick bite? We can jump on a couple of dudes in South Philly.
LESTAT
No, thank you.
I … uh … the folks there eat so much spicey food they all have garlic
breath.
VLAD
Okay, see you soon, I’m off.
VLAD
leaves the stage.
LESTAT
Thank God he left!
Having to eat and look at the guy at the same time would disgust just
about everyone!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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