Wednesday, February 19, 2025

Vampire in the Mirror


Note:  This sketch was actually performed, with some decent effect.  But what the hell, Trump is running wild these days, I'm up at night with nothing else going on as usual, so post away!


Characters

Vlad - a narcissistic vampire

Lestat - his friend

 

Scene opens with Vlad looking in a mirror very upset and distraught. 

VLAD

I can’t stand it anymore.  It’s driving me crazy! 

Lestat, another vampire, joins him on stage.

 

LESTAT

OMG!  What’s wrong, Vlad!?  What can be so bad? 

VLAD

I don’t know how I look! I just can’t tell!

 

LESTAT

Of course you can’t tell.  We’re vampires.  We cast no reflection in a mirror.

VLAD

But it isn’t fair, Lestat.  Here I am, 659 years undead and I can’t tell if I’m aging well.  Or not aging well, as it were!

LESTAT

So what?

 

VLAD

Last night I was about to bite a young lady in the neck who was asleep in her bed and she woke up and began screaming. Loud bloodcurdling screams! Why would she scream like that?!!

LESTAT

Because you’re a vampire.

VLAD

Yes, but …

LESTAT

About to bite her in the neck and drain her of all her life sustaining fluids.

VLAD

Well, there is that. But how do I know it isn’t my looks that are turning the ladies off?!  How do I know I’m not turning into the John C. Riley of vampires?

LESTAT

That’s silly, Vlad. What makes you think all this?

VLAD

I ran into Victor recently and I said to him “Victor, I haven’t seen you since the Bubonic Plague.  My, you look great!” And you know what he said to me? 

LESTAT

 No, what?

VLAD

How ‘bout dem Phillies? 

Changes the subject right away.

LESTAT

Maybe he is a big Phillies fan!

VLAD

I happen to know he lives in New Jersey. He’s always talking about how he’d love to sink his teeth into that delicious morsel Chris Christie!!!

 

LESTAT

OMG, he would be delicious!

VLAD

But isn’t there some rule or law that when someone compliments your looks, you have to reciprocate?

LESTAT

Never heard of such a thing. Get a grip, Vlad!

VLAD

But, Lestat, whenever I run into any of my fellow vampires they react as though I was wearing a humongous Christian cross.

LESTAT

Vlad, of course they react that way.  You live in Lower Merion. Most of your vampire friends are Jewish.

VLAD

But I wanna be cute, just like I was during the Spanish Inquisition!  Tell me, Lestat:  am I Brad Pitt or Nosferatu?

LESTAT

I couldn’t say.  You’re just gonna have to forget  about all this Vlad. As a vampire, you’re never going to be able to see how you look.

 

But I want to look good.  I’ve so much at stake!

 LESTAT

Stake?! Don’t say the word “Stake, Vlad!”

VLAD

Sorry, sorry!  Okay, say, wanna grab a quick bite? We can jump on  a couple of dudes in South Philly.

LESTAT

No, thank you.  I … uh … the folks there eat so much spicey food they all have garlic breath.

VLAD

Okay, see you soon, I’m off.

 

VLAD leaves the stage.

LESTAT

Thank God he left!  Having to eat and look at the guy at the same time would disgust just about everyone!


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