Friday, February 28, 2025

If People Begged for Food like Dogs Do

 


Why a picture from SNL?  Because a few weeks ago SNL ran a similar sketch to the one below.  Only difference is I wrote this sketch several years ago but never did anything with it, when the SNL recent sketch brought it to mind.  Oh well .... 

Characters:

Attorney Hochberg

Attorney Wallace

Mr. Phillips

Voice of Receptionist

Voice of Mr. Brackish

 

A lawyer's office somewhere in the heart of New York City. Two lawyers are sitting around a table in a conference room, numerous papers on the table in front of them.

Mr. Hochberg

I'm so pleased at how swimmingly our negotiations have progressed on the 35-million-dollar merger between our two companies, Amanda. All the areas of merger are fleshed out and agreed upon except the valuation of the Little Rock plant.

Ms. Wallace

So true, Jack, it's been a pleasure working with you. We've hammered out the tax, human resources, and environmental responsibilities in near record time. As soon as the real property appraiser Mr. Phillips gets here, we can nail down our Little Rock issue and we're done.

Mr. Hochberg

Good enough. And we're also waiting for a call from our CEO Mr. Brackish to confirm our understandings and we can button the whole thing up.

Ms. Wallace opens a small package of crackers and puts one in her mouth. Mr. Hochberg's eyes light up. He falls to his knees and walks on his hands and knees over to where Attorney Wallace is sitting.

Mr. Hochberg

Ooooohhhh! May I have some? May I have some crackers, Attorney Wallace?

Ms. Wallace

No, Attorney Hochberg, these are my crackers! They're not for you.

Mr. Hochberg

But I want some! They look so yummy! I haven't eaten since I begged some of the Receptionist's Oreo Cookies ten minutes ago on my way in here!

Ms. Wallace

But these are not Attorney Hochberg's crackers, they're Attorney Wallace’s crackers!

Mr. Hochberg

(whining) Oh, all right. Could have some later, puh-lese?

Ms. Wallace

No! Now go back to your seat.

Mr. Hochberg returns to his seat on his hands and knees, sits in his chair, and regains his composure.

Mr. Hochberg

Now, I don’t think our meeting with the appraiser will take long. He comes highly recommended so I doubt we’ll have many questions about his appraisal.

Ms. Wallace

I agree. Our firm has used him many times before and I’ve always heard his work was right on the money.

Receptionist (over the intercom)

Mr. Hochberg, Ms. Wallace, Mr. Phillips the Appraiser is here.

Mr. Hochberg

Ask him to come in, please.

Mr. Phillips enters.

Ms. Wallace

Welcome, Mr. Phillips. I'm Attorney Wallace and this is Attorney Hochberg.

Mr. Phillips enters and shakes hands with both of them.

Mr. Phillips

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Hochberg.

Mr. Hochberg

Same here, Mr. Phillips,

Mr. Phillips

Ms. Wallace.

Ms. Wallace

Nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Mr. Phillips goes to his seat and produces a bagel from his briefcase.

Mr. Phillips

I hope you two don't mind. I was hungry so I bought myself a bagel (begins eating)

Mr. Hochberg and Ms. Wallace both perk up, get on their hands and knees and walk over to Mr. Phillips.

Ms. Wallace

Please, Mr. Phillips, I love bagels! May I have some? I'm so hungry!

Mr. Hochberg

And me too, Mr. Phillips. I want a bagel! Please, please, please! Just a bite, one bite, one little bite!

Mr. Phillips

No, Attorney Wallace! I said no, Attorney Hochberg. This is my bagel, not yours. This is Appraiser food, not Attorney food!

Ms. Wallace

I promise I'll get our firm to hire you again, many more times!

Mr. Hochberg

And I’ll roll over and play dead!

Mr. Phillips

I said no! You two have to learn not to beg at the conference table!

Mr. Hochberg & Ms. Wallace

Oh, all right.

Both return on their hands and knees to their seats.

Ms. Wallace

Now, Mr. Phillips, to the matter of the appraisal of the Little Rock building, equipment, inventory, and real property.

Mr. Phillips

Yes, I've been to Little Rock and carefully ...

Receptionist

Mr. Brackish is on the phone.

Mr. Hochberg

Put him on the speaker please.

Mr. Brackish

Good morning, Amanda and Jack! Is Mr. Phillips with you too?

Mr. Wallace

Hello, Mr. Brackish. Yes, he’s here and we're proud to say the deal is almost all set except for the signing.

Mr. Brackish

Wonderful! As a celebration, I'm taking all three of you to lunch this afternoon.

Mr. Hochberg and Mr. Phillips perk up.

Mr. Hochberg

Where did you have in mind, sir?

Mr. Brackish

How would you three like the thickest juiciest steak in town at Morton's?

Mr. Hochberg and Mr. Phillips fall to their hands and knees and race for the door.

Mr. Hochberg

Me, me, me, me! Can't wait to have steak!

Mr. Phillips

Big steak, juicy steak, medium rare, gotta have it!

Ms. Wallace

Know what, guys? I think I just evolved. I'm going to skip lunch and get this deal done.


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