Note: Here's another unsold pilot of mine, a sketch nobody really liked so I'm parking it here. Most people will recognize this movie though some Gen Zers may not. But who the hell am I kidding? The chance the a Gen Zer might wander into here is as likely as Scarlett Johansson leaving Colin Jost for me.
Actually probably even less likely.
Characters:
The Voice
Perry
Herbie
VOICE
(Whispering)
If you build it, he will come.
PERRY
I’m sorry … I can’t hear you.
VOICE
(Louder;
sarcastic)
If you build it, he will come.
PERRY
Better! But who
… who … are you?
VOICE
I’m the Voice from the movie Field of Dreams that encourages Kevin Costner to build a baseball
diamond from which Shoeless Joe Jackson appears and touches his life in unique
and miraculous ways!
PERRY
Oh, of course, I love that movie! I guess what you’re
saying is you want me to build a baseball diamond too.
VOICE
Nah, I nailed that one the first time. Let’s try something new.
PERRY
Okay. Then … a
football stadium?
VOICE
You’re
going to build a football stadium? I’m
sure the Linc is just worried sick about the competition!
PERRY
Basketball court then?
VOICE
I already had a guy build one of those.
PERRY
And after he built it, who came?
VOICE
Wilt Chamberlain.
PERRY
Oh, damn! Sorry
to miss that one.
VOICE
Yeah, it was epic.
PERRY
So then, a hockey rink?
VOICE
No way I’m
springing for a Zamboni.
PERRY
Fussball
Table?
VOICE
No! No! No! Though
I do love those spinners on Fuss ball.
PERRY
What then?
VOICE
PERRY
A pickleball court?
Why?
VOICE
It’s getting really popular these days. Build it, and
he will come.
PERRY
Who
will come?
VOICE
Sorry, I never give that away this early.
PERRY
But how do I build it? I don’t know anything about it.
VOICE
Google it.
PERRY
How could I go wrong? After all, Field of Dreams was a heck of a movie.
BLACKOUT
PERRY
(Banging
with a hammer, stops, and sighs as he finishes)
Well, it’s taken me a year but I googled it, ordered the
tooling, supplies, and I got me a pickleball court here. You hear me, Voice?
VOICE
Great! You have built it and he will come.
PERRY
Super!
A slovenly figure
appears.
GUY
Hey, how youse doin’?
PERRY
Who are you?
GUY
Herbie Blitzstein.
PERRY
Voice? Hey, Voice!
VOICE
Yes?
PERRY
What’s the deal? Who is this guy?
VOICE
That’s my brother-in-law Herbie. Anything to get that bum outta the house.
PERRY
That’s who I built it for?! That’s the “if you
build it, he will come” guy?!!
‘
VOICE
You do everything
some random disembodied voice asks you to?
PERRY
But it all worked out so well in Field of Dreams!
VOICE
Yeah, well, I like to see who’s gullible enough to
build these things. It’s fun.
PERRY
Now what do I do
with him?!
VOICE
You’ll be fine as long as you have a guestroom and an
endless supply of beer. Well, dude, I’m off.
PERRY
Where ya goin’?
VOICE
Off
to con some poor sucker into building me a Fussball Table.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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