If You Build It

 

Note:  Here's another unsold pilot of mine, a sketch nobody really liked so I'm parking it here. Most people will recognize this movie though some Gen Zers may not. But who the hell am I kidding? The chance the a Gen Zer might wander into here is as likely as Scarlett Johansson leaving Colin Jost for me.

Actually probably even less likely.

Characters:

The Voice

Perry

Herbie

VOICE

(Whispering)

If you build it, he will come.

PERRY

I’m sorry … I can’t hear you.

VOICE

(Louder; sarcastic)

If you build it, he will come.

PERRY

Better!  But who … who … are you?

VOICE

I’m the Voice from the movie Field of Dreams that encourages Kevin Costner to build a baseball diamond from which Shoeless Joe Jackson appears and touches his life in unique and miraculous ways!

PERRY

Oh, of course, I love that movie! I guess what you’re saying is you want me to build a baseball diamond too.

VOICE

Nah, I nailed that one the first time.  Let’s try something new.

PERRY

Okay.  Then … a football stadium?

VOICE

You’re going to build a football stadium?   I’m sure the Linc is just worried sick about the competition!

PERRY

Basketball court then?  

VOICE

I already had a guy build one of those. 

PERRY

And after he built it, who came?

VOICE

Wilt Chamberlain.   

PERRY

Oh, damn!  Sorry to miss that one.

VOICE

Yeah, it was epic.

PERRY

So then, a hockey rink?

 VOICE

No way I’m springing for a Zamboni.

PERRY

Fussball Table?  

VOICE

No! No! No!  Though I do love those spinners on Fuss ball.

 

PERRY

What then?

VOICE

 A pickleball court.

 

PERRY

A pickleball court?  Why?

 

VOICE

It’s getting really popular these days. Build it, and he will come.

 

PERRY

Who will come?

VOICE

Sorry, I never give that away this early.

 

PERRY

But how do I build it?  I don’t know anything about it.

 

VOICE

Google it.

PERRY

How could I go wrong? After all, Field of Dreams was a heck of a movie.

 

BLACKOUT

 

PERRY

(Banging with a hammer, stops, and sighs as he finishes)

Well, it’s taken me a year but I googled it, ordered the tooling, supplies, and I got me a pickleball court here.  You hear me, Voice?

 

VOICE

Great! You have built it and he will come.

 

PERRY

Super!

 

A slovenly figure appears.

 

GUY

Hey, how youse doin’?

 

PERRY

Who are you?

 

GUY

Herbie Blitzstein.

 

PERRY

Voice? Hey, Voice!

 

VOICE

Yes?

 

PERRY

What’s the deal? Who is this guy?

 

VOICE

That’s my brother-in-law Herbie.  Anything to get that bum outta the house.

 

PERRY

That’s who I built it for?! That’s the “if you build it, he will come” guy?!!

‘

VOICE

You do everything some random disembodied voice asks you to?

 

PERRY

But it all worked out so well in Field of Dreams!

 

VOICE

Yeah, well, I like to see who’s gullible enough to build these things.  It’s fun.

 

PERRY

Now what do I do with him?!

 

VOICE

You’ll be fine as long as you have a guestroom and an endless supply of beer. Well, dude, I’m off.

 

PERRY

Where ya goin’?

VOICE

Off to con some poor sucker into building me a Fussball Table.

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