Sunday, January 26, 2025

The World's Worst Fertility Doctor

 

                                      
Note:  Here's another sketch everyone hated, so it shares the status of an "unsold
pilot." I think it has sort of a Monty Python vibe, so I'm parking it here.

WTF.   
                                The World's Worst Fertility Doctor
                Cast
                 Dr. Romberg
                 Mr. and Mrs. Rogers
                 Chad, Dr. Romberg's assistant               
                 Premise: Dr. Romberg is totally unable to look at a set of facts and draw                   the obvious correct conclusion.
                  Scene: Dr. Romberg's office.   

                                           DR. ROMBERG

Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Rogers. Nice to see you.

                    MR.ROGERS

 Thank you, Doctor Romberg.

MRS. ROGERS

 Yes, thank you, doctor. You know we've been waiting with baited breath ever since we had our tests taken last week.

MR.ROGERS

We just want to make sure everything's fine and dandy before we try to start a family.

DR.ROMBERG 

Ah yes, your fertility tests, I know how much you want a child. Before we discuss your status I need to speak with my office assistant.

Mr. and Mrs. Rogers sit down. Doctor Romberg picks up intercom and speaks.

DR.ROMBERG

 Chad, please hold all my calls while the Rogers are here. That's right, I'll talk to anyone and everyone who calls.

Mr. and Mrs. Rogers look at each other in puzzlement.

          DR.ROMBERG

Now, folks, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The two of you will not be able to have children.

MR.ROGERS AND MRS. ROGERS


  OH, NO!

MR.ROGERS

Is it me? Am I the problem?

DR. ROMBERG

 Oh, no, Mr. Rogers. You could father an army!

                    MRS. ROGERS

 Then it's me.

DR.ROMBERG

 No, Mrs. Rogers, you're fine as well.

MR.ROGERS

 Then what's the problem?

DR.ROMBERG

 Well, you see, I'm a terrible fertility doctor. I have absolutely no ability to look at a set of facts and draw the right conclusion.

            MR.ROGERS


Oh!  So then we can have children?

DR. ROMBERG

 Absolutely not, in my professional opinion. Which is based on my total inability to process information and data.

MRS. ROGERS

 Well, that's terrible news. I'm crushed!

DR.ROMBERG

 I'm so sorry. That is, sorry that I have no ability to analyze test results that are as clear as the nose on my face.

MR. ROGERS

 I just got an idea! Why not run the tests again and that will give you another chance to look at the results and get it right?

DR. ROMBERG

 No, no, no, that won't make any difference!

MR. ROGERS

 Why?

DR. ROMBERG

 You'll pass the tests again with flying colors and I'll get everything wrong again! You have to understand that my ability to reason is totally nil.

MRS. ROGERS

 Would this work? You just look at the test results one more time and this time tell us the EXACT OPPOSITE of whatever you conclude.

DR. ROMBERG


What are you saying?!  Do you think I  have no ethics, no scruples?                   

MRS. ROGERS

 I'm so sorry, doctor. I apologize.

MR.ROGERS

 Doctor, we have a lot of faith in you.

DR. ROMBERG

 You shouldn't.

MR.ROGERS 

But ... maybe we should get a second opinion.

DR.ROMBERG

 In my judgment, any other doctor will come to the same conclusion I have. But since my judgment is always wrong, congratulations you two!

MRS. ROGERS

 Thank you, doctor. You've made us very happy!

MR.ROGERS

 Doctor, we don't know how to thank you!

The Rogers leave. Dr. Romberg speaks into the Intercom.

DR. ROMBERG

 Chad, do I have any more appointments for the day?

CHAD

No, doctor, you have no appointments scheduled for this afternoon.

DR. ROMBERG 

Damn. I was hoping to get home early tonight.


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