Cast
Guy
Greenleaf, Boomer News Anchor
Ellen
Dozier, Boomer News Anchor
Jodie Andrews, young woman reporter
Randi
Rogers, young woman reporter
Cindy
Wexler, young woman reporter
George,
the producer
Young Staffer
Premise: Older cable news anchors Guy Greenleaf and
Ellen Dozier (in the manner of, say, Wolf Blitzer), are dumbfounded by all the
attractive young female reporters on their show and, despite the fact that they are
all highly qualified, lament the days when the airwaves
were filled with middle-aged white guys like them. Guy – a little bit of a dolt - is more
aghast by it all, Ellen is more begrudgingly accepting. She also tends to put down
Guy’s pretensions.
Scene: Two anchors are sitting at a desk.
ELLEN DOZIER
And I’m Guy
Greenleaf.
“Breaking Graphic appears with music.
We have Breaking
News! There's a further development about Trump’s proposed bill to replace the words “Birthright Citizenship” with “Birthright
Deportation” in the U.S. Constitution, which has been moving briskly through both Republican houses of
Congress. With more on the story is our Senior
White House Correspondent Jodie Andrews.
Jodie app
JODIE ANDREWS
Guy, Trump's proposed bill to enshrine "Birthright Deportation" in the Constitution along with the words “Birthright
Citizenship is a Far-Left Woke Democratic Conspiracy Like No One’s Ever Seen Before" has just passed both houses of Congress!”
GUY GREENLEAF
(aside to
Ellen) My, Ellen, they keep getting younger and younger, don't they? Is there
any correspondent or commentator left on cable news today who isn't an
attractive woman under 35?
Yeah.
Us.
JODIE ANDREWS
And Senator Lindsey Graham has just now broken down in tears exclaiming “the bill is beautiful, reads
like poetry!”
Thank you, Jodie, for that great update.
(aside) Gee, how old do you think she is, anyway?
Old enough to be our granddaughter.
GUY GREENLEAF
Our granddaughter?!
But we don’t have a …I mean, aside from that one weekend during lockdown
… Oh, I see!
And we have Broken News! There's been an incredible development just now in the Senate as the "Birthright Deportation" bill has passed. With more is our Senior Congressional Correspondent Randi Rogers.
GUY GREENLEAF
(aside) Boy, she's even younger,
isn't she? How old do you suppose she is?
ELLEN DOZIER
I'm not sure. Maybe 25 or 28.
GUY GREENLEAF
25 or 28? When I was that age, I
still had hair.
ELLEN DOZIER
Nah, pretty sure you didn't.
RANDI ROGERS
Ellen, just now Senator Graham has suddenly grown a second head! Senator Graham says he's delighted that this has happened, stating “Now I can support even the most bat-shit crazy thing President Trump says with one head and with the other - should the wind ever shift away from Trump - deny I ever liked him or even knew him.”
GUY GREENLEAF
Two different heads, Randi, has
this ever happened before?
RANDI ROGERS
Speaking out
of both sides of one’s mouth is not uncommon but two separate heads is
something new. A handy thing for shameless Republicans to have these days in case Trump is ever voted
out of office. That is, except for Marjorie Taylor Greene who has just now said “This
one head is stupid enough to cover everything.” Ellen?
ELLEN DOZIER
Great reporting, Randi, thank
you. Y’know Randi graduated
both from the Johns Hopkins School of Political Science and Harvard Law School.
Ellen, every one of these young women is excellent, but where are the middle-aged news folks of yore? Where's Walter Cronkite? Where's Eric Sevareid? Where's Morley Safer?
ELLEN DOZIER
Dead. Now let’s move on.
And we have Broken to
Bits News! Here's Cindy Wexler with more on the story.
Broke
CINDY WEXLER
Guy, Trump has just announced that he's imposing stiff tariffs on Canada, Mexico, and California. In his announcement Trump repeated his oft quoted words that "the most beautiful word in the dictionary is tariff," to which many Americans have replied "Trump has a dictionary?"
ELLEN DOZIER
Gee, she’s the youngest yet!
GUY GREENLEAF
Cindy, uhh, just out of
curiosity, how old are you?
I don't
know why you're asking that, Uncle Guy, since you were both at my bat mitzvah
last year.
GUY GREENLEAF
Fourteen! This is nuts. Great as they all are, every
correspondent is young and great looking! This is unfair to us middle aged
reporters.
ELLEN DOZIER
And even
more unfair to us old as shit reporters.
GUY GREENLEAF
Hey, George! George! Mr.
Producer, get in here!
GEORGE
Guy, you're
in the middle of a broadcast. What the fuck!
GUY GREENLEAF
I've had it, George! Everywhere
we look are great locking young women! They're at the White House, at Congress,
at the Pentagon, at every mass random shooting anywhere in the United States,
which equals at least two more beautiful young women every day.
ELLEN DOZIER
(wistful) ... blondes,
brunettes, red heads, shoulder length hair, one side brushed back behind their
backs ...
GUY GREENLEAF
Yeah, with actual hair to brush!
Why all these young women, George?
Because they appeal to our
demographic, Guy. Nobody wants to look at you anymore.
I guess I have to agree with that.
Well, I don't think it's right we
Boomers are discriminated against, and I just might walk right off the set!
GEORGE
You must be reading my mind! You
know the contracts for you two are up for renewal and frankly it’s time for a
change.
How can that be? Our contracts
aren't that old.
GEORGE
Guy, they
were written with a quill pen!
Guy, I think George is saying
it's time for us to go. At least for you to go.
GEORGE
Nah, it's time for both of you.
GUY GREENLEAF
Well, I’m not leaving.
Young
staffer enters and he and George literally lift Guy and carry him off as he’s
still spouting news jargon like “This is CMM” and “Breaking News,” “Broken
News, etc.” Ellen watches this, shrugs, and hurries off too.
ELLEN DOZIER
(to George)
Don’t
worry, I’m going too!
Randi
and Jodie and Randi take their places in the anchors’ chairs. .…
JODIE ANDREWS
This is CMM,
and we welcome you here in the United States and around the world and back
again. I'm Jodie Andrews.
RANDI ROGERS
And I’m Randi Rogers. And we have Breaking News!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No comments:
Post a Comment