Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Beware the LOJM!


 (maybe)

I’ve never been one to believe in tall tales, myths, or urban legends.

I don’t believe the tooth fairy could ever turn a profit on used enamel, doubt the existence of Bigfoot and Nessie, and scoff at aliens crash-landing at Roswell because beings that advanced would know there’s no other place to crash-land than Vegas.

BEWARE THE LOJM!

Today is my birthday. On this day I am 40 years old, just as I have been for many years and always will be! But today somehow the rest of the world will look upon me and see something obscene, loathsome, and truly terrifying!

The world will see a man who is’s 67.

BEWARE THE LOJM! (pronounced “LOW-JIM”)

Known more formally as the “Little Old Jewish Man,” the LOJM is a foul and malignant creature known to torment and bedevil Jewish men of a certain age.

And I am its victim! 

I can no longer have my picture taken in peace. The instant a camera is produced, the LOJM dashes in front of me with blinding speed. It’s like the DC Superhero the Flash, if the Flash were endowed with the additional superpower of speaking fluent deli!

The LOJM next positions itself between me and the camera, musters its most hideous visage, and then vanishes as soon as the picture is snapped! Moving at hyper–speed, the monster arrives and departs undetected, leaving only the surrogate image of its gruesome face as evidence of its foul and deceitful visitation.  

Then I see the picture!  No winning boyish grin, smooth and supple cheeks, or lush brown hair swooping low across my forehead.

IT IS THE LOJM!

But the creature’s evil work is not yet done. The LOJM mesmerizes those around me so they actually believe its foul face is my own!

Even I sometimes cannot detect the deception.  

CURSE YOU, LOJM!

Most wicked and perverse of all is what the beast LOJM has done to my relations with the fair sex - “the babes,” as we 40 year olds call them. He has cast a spell of avuncularity upon me!
Thanks to this spell, no women under the age of 60 can visualize an encounter with me to consist of anything spicier than sharing the New York Times Crossword Puzzle. Avuncularity may have its place, but only when it’s Hanukkah and your uncle is Steven Spielberg.

Today the LOJM invades my very birthday celebration.

Halt, you fakockt fiend!  Be gone, you evil alte cocker!  

Can’t a guy turn 40 (again) in peace? 

BEWARE THE LOJM!

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And you don't have to be Jewish to be stalked by the LOJM. It's coming for us all!

6 comments:

Unknown said...

Actually, I thought that B & W photo was a very flattering image of you. A huge improvement over the blurry colored photo that you stole from a picture frame at Walmart and have been using as a avatar for the past twenty five years. I'm surprised that guy hasn't sued you.

I hope you and your photograph of Florence Henderson had a romantic evening to celebrate your 40th (again) birthday. Did you treat her to a triple cheese pizza and an all-night ABBA concert? Oh, the things we do for love.

Ilil Arbel said...

My soul is filled with nameless dread after reading your post. Does a female version of the LOJM exist? Do I possess a LOJW?????? Oh, the terror of it all...

Perry Block said...

Thank you, Russell.

Yes, I tried to make it a good picture. I even brushed my tooth first. Actually it's gotten to the point that the LOJM is upset people are mistaking him for me.

Florence Henderson's picture says hello. Fortunately the LOJW never got to it!

Perry Block said...

Oh, my God, Ilil, the LOJW is right behind you!

Better put away that camera.

Patti said...

Speaking fluent deli--you place the bar so high! Happy 40th (again) Perry--maybe this time around you'll get it right so you can move on to 41. 41 is the new 40. Oh, and may I take a moment to thank Russell for the SONG HEADACHE? He could at least have sung 'Happy Birthday.' Have a great year!

Perry Block said...

Thank you, Patti, for the nice words. I think I'll move on to 40 and a half for a while before taking on 41. And Russell is a headache to us all. But in a good way! Thanks again.