Yes, this is how the process actually looks!
The Internet has afforded a tremendous amount of opportunity to a great many people that never existed in the past, and in no area of human endeavor is this truer than that of the literary arts. Today there are more ways than ever before to successfully become a failed writer.
And I should know.
I am an unsuccessful humor writer. A few years ago I began writing a humor blog called "Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.” Back in those days I was a callow inexperienced unsuccessful humor writer. Fast forward to the present and all that has changed dramatically! Today I stand before you as a veteran experienced unsuccessful humor writer.
You can be one too. Here's how:
Why become a humor writer?
Everybody secretly wants to become a writer. You don't have to get up early, you can rock a turtleneck any time you want, and in some circles you may be considered an intellectual even if you think health care reform is a branch of Judaism for hypochondriacs. And being a humor writer is the easiest kind of writer to be because you just make up everything. No research, no fact-checking – it’s just like being a Republican.
How did you begin humor blogging?
Several years ago I realized that I had many unexpressed thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, desires, and aspirations. They are none of your damn business! So I thought I'd write some schlock comedy instead.
How long have you been humor blogging?
I got up about 10:30, so maybe an hour. Hey, want to get some lunch?
Where do you get your ideas?
Mostly from China. I also import a smattering of ideas from a funny fat guy in Bolivia.
Are there any tricks to humor writing?
There sure are! I wish I knew some.
Isn't it important to have a quirky mind or vivid imagination?
Absolutely not! That might make you a successful humor writer. Don’t forget what our goal is here.
Is the muse with you whenever you write?
If I’m willing to spring for an Uber.
How unsuccessful are you?
I am so unsuccessful that I regularly get rejected by “McSweeney’s” and “The New Yorker.” That’s being rejected by the best!
Do you have a writing schedule or regimen?
Yes, I do.
What is it, jerk?
Oh yeah, sorry! I awaken at 6:00 A.M., brush my teeth if it's Thursday, then head down to the kitchen to resuscitate yesterday's coffee. I check my e-mail, put on Norah O’Donnell and Charlie Rose and fantasize a tempestuous relationship between them, then go back to bed. When I get up again, I write a bunch of stuff if I'm not too nauseous.
Do you ever struggle with Writers' Block?
Gee, I can’t think of a thing to write about that. Yeah, coming up dry here. Sorry.
Can you guarantee I too will be an unsuccessful humor writer?
Definitely! To be a success in the humor writing business you have to have talent, drive, desire, and determination. If you had any of these qualities, you'd be doing something constructive instead.
Thus, your successful unsuccess is assured!
I look forward to not reading you in “The New Yorker.”