Sunday, September 10, 2017

How to be an Unsuccessful Humor Writer

Yes, this is how the process actually looks!


The Internet has afforded a tremendous amount of opportunity to a great many people that never existed in the past, and in no area of human endeavor is this truer than that of the literary arts. Today there are more ways than ever before to successfully become a failed writer.  

And I should know.

I am an unsuccessful humor writer. A few years ago I began writing a humor blog called "Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.” Back in those days I was a callow inexperienced unsuccessful humor writer. Fast forward to the present and all that has changed dramatically! Today I stand before you as a veteran experienced unsuccessful humor writer. 

You can be one too. Here's how:

Why become a humor writer? 

Everybody secretly wants to become a writer. You don't have to get up early, you can rock a turtleneck any time you want, and in some circles you may be considered an intellectual even if you think health care reform is a branch of Judaism for hypochondriacs. And being a humor writer is the easiest kind of writer to be because you just make up everything. No research, no fact-checking – it’s just like being a Republican. 

How did you begin humor blogging? 

Several years ago I realized that I had many unexpressed thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, desires, and aspirations. They are none of your damn business!  So I thought I'd write some schlock comedy instead.  

How long have you been humor blogging? 

I got up about 10:30, so maybe an hour. Hey, want to get some lunch?

Where do you get your ideas?

Mostly from China. I also import a smattering of ideas from a funny fat guy in Bolivia.  
Are there any tricks to humor writing?

There sure are! I wish I knew some.

Isn't it important to have a quirky mind or vivid imagination?

Absolutely not! That might make you a successful humor writer. Don’t forget what our goal is here.

Is the muse with you whenever you write?

If I’m willing to spring for an Uber.

How unsuccessful are you?

I am so unsuccessful that I regularly get rejected by “McSweeney’s” and “The New Yorker.” That’s being rejected by the best!

Do you have a writing schedule or regimen? 

Yes, I do.  

What is it, jerk?  

Oh yeah, sorry! I awaken at 6:00 A.M., brush my teeth if it's Thursday, then head down to the kitchen to resuscitate yesterday's coffee. I check my e-mail, put on Norah O’Donnell and Charlie Rose and fantasize a tempestuous relationship between them, then go back to bed. When I get up again, I write a bunch of stuff if I'm not too nauseous.

Do you ever struggle with Writers' Block?

Gee, I can’t think of a thing to write about that. Yeah, coming up dry here. Sorry.

Can you guarantee I too will be an unsuccessful humor writer? 

Definitely! To be a success in the humor writing business you have to have talent, drive, desire, and determination. If you had any of these qualities, you'd be doing something constructive instead. 

Thus, your successful unsuccess is assured!

I look forward to not reading you in “The New Yorker.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

4 comments:

Gardenlover said...

There are many times when I wish I hadn't subscribed to your online course on How to Be an Unsuccessful Humor Writer. It's the only class I've ever enrolled where success guarantees failure. People have stopped saying, "Russell who?" and now just click on something else to keep from reading my boring text.

It's gotten so bad, I turned to Facebook. People immediately started unfriending me as no one seems interested in associating with an Unsuccessful Humor Writer.

One thing I do take umbrage too is your remark about being like a Republican just because we don't do research or check facts. I'll have you know I do research to ensure all my facts are wrong before I publish them.

Tracey Delaplain said...

My two favorite humorless writers in one spot. I'm failing beautifully in fiction and food writing so I'm actually more successful at failing than either of you. I'm putting that on my Link In profile. Fails to write, really well.

Perry Block said...

September 12,1950. I hope I passed the audition.

Russell Gayer said...

Stop kidding yourself, Tracey. No one can out fail Perry and myself. He wrote the book on failure and I chewed up the pages faster than Pavlov's dog could lick its ass.