"This call will be monitored for quality assurance."
Yes, I've heard this message on the phone many times. I naively thought it meant that someone was listening in on the call to determine if the person handling the call for the company did so with requisite quality to handle the call well.
I was such a fool!
Why would they need to listen to their fellow employee's handling of a phone call? The company hired that person and the company must have known what it was doing. But me? I'm the wildcard they don't know! What if they decide they're not assured I have the good qualities to make me worth talking to?
"Hello, this is Martin," comes the voice on the phone."How may I help you today?"
"Oh, Hi, Martin," I sputter. "Umm, I'm Perry Block, born 9/12/50. What do you need to know about me to assure yourself of my good qualities so you'll talk to me?
I'll state it right up front: I never cheated on my wife when I was married! Well, maybe once, but I didn't consummate it. Well, I wanted to, but I was so nervous I couldn't .... And, okay, it was with my wife's best friend.
But does that make me a bad person with bad qualities?
Hey, I'm a Democrat! I always vote straight Democratic! Okay, I did flirt with Reagan for a time but only because he was such an ingratiating guy and I loved him in Knute Rockne, All American. But I still voted for the Democrat running against him, whoever he was.
And I hate Trump! I hate him real bad! And I can back that up with any number of angry semi-humorous tweets I've posted about him.
Doesn't this establish my good qualities?
Oh, no! Is my Judaism your concern?
What do you have, teams of white supremacists working in your Quality Assurance Department? Members of my people have contributed to society in every field of human endeavor. Not particularly me in any of them, but hey, I might yet!
Oh, please, please, please be assured of my many good qualities! I do think they outweigh the bad. Well, actually maybe it's close or maybe it leans more towards the bad, but I promise I'll do better ... I really will! Believe me!
Even though I haven't always been particularly trustworthy in the past."
"Mr. Block, umm, did you call with any questions about your dental insurance?"
Oh, thank God, it seems Martin has accepted me! He has been satisfactorly assured about my qualities, good and bad, so that he will deal with me. Now at long last, I can begin.
"Martin, do I have sufficient dental coverage for my absess?"