1. Can you believe I have a granddaughter your age?
2. Oh yes, I think the Weeknd is one of the best groups around.
3. Do you know Jim Morrison would be older than I am if he were alive?
4. “You say goodbye, I say hello.”
5. Let’s go someplace more comfortable. Like the Emergency Room.
6. We used to say “far out” back in the day. Now it’s my belt size. That’s a joke!
7. Want to hear my Dwight David Eisenhower impression?
8. My wife didn’t understand me. While she was alive, that is.
9. Super Bowl III. Now that was a Super Bowl!
10. Can you explain to me exactly what a meme is?
11. It’s called a turkey neck. Wanna touch?
12. Wolf Blitzer: He just speaks to me.
13. So, I said to my ex “Bye, bye Miss American Pie!”
14. Do you like Steely Dan?
15. Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Lana Turner?
16. Yes, I remember the 60’s well. Now that I’m 70. Yes, that’s a joke too!
17. Ever hear of the Strawberry Alarm Clock?
18. Can you fathom how people can mark up their bodies with tattoos?
19. Can you believe some people don’t know the difference between Peter and Gordon and Chad and Jeremy?
20. Who doesn’t love seersucker?
21. For my money, the best comedian ever was Mr. Don Rickles!
22. Wanna know what’s a really good Medicare Supplemental Benefits Plan?
23. I think the only really big star to come out of SNL was Chevy Chase.
24. Did you know Beaver and Wally are on Me TV?
25. Do you like the Stooges?
26. Laugh if you want, those discount meals at IHOP are really good!
27. Wanna see my neat collection of tie-dyed shirts from the 60’s?
28. Can I buy you a drink? A Shirley Temple? That’s another joke.
29. Would you believe I started the day with a colonoscopy?
30. Trump? Oh, he’s not so bad.