Trump and the Genie who Looks Like Matthew Whitaker

And Trump rubbed the lamp and there appeared a genie.

"Oy!  Ten thousand years will give you such a crick in the neck!"  said the Genie.

"I guess all genies say that," thought Trump.

"Welcome, Genie with the light lack of hair!" said Trump. "I am  Donald Trump, your new master who has just rubbed the lamp."

"I knew it was you.  You rubbed me so hard  I was considering hitting up Michael Cohen for money to keep it quiet."

"You know, you look like somebody else I've considered to be sort of my genie," said Trump.

"I know," said the genie.  "Difference is that I'm qualified."

"Do I get three wishes, Genie? " asked Trump.

"You do, of course, that's the law.  Not that you usually pay attention to laws."

"Well, first get rid of the Mueller probe."

"Done! Mueller right now is writing a report stating you were a double agent for the United States who befriended Putin so our intelligence services could learn as much possible about his plans."

"Cool! Never thought of that one."

"That's why I'm a genie."

"Second: I want all women who have accused me of  sexual harassment to shut up."

"That's going to take some work.   How about I just do the ones from A-G?"

"No, I need everyone from A through X.  Damn, wish I knew the alphabet! Maybe I should call Betsy Devos?"

"Probably wouldn't help .... Okay, working on it .... still on it ..... not done yet ....  twins in American Samoa? what a creep you are!  ....  all of 1992 Rockettes!? ... I think I may vomit from this...  Okay, done! No one will say a word."

"Three: I want to be President for life."

"Oh, that one's a softball,"  Master," said the genie. "Done!"

"That's it," bellowed Trump!  I'm President of the United States for life!"

"That you are," replied the genie.  "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to look for the nearest porta-potty.  I  haven't been to the bathroom since the Punic Wars!"

"But wait, what's going on, Genie!  I'm choking!" shouted Trump. "My tiny hands hurt. If I had a tiny penis it would hurt too! Why is this  happening?" 

"Oh, yeah, that's right.  Dude, today happens to the last day you are going to live."

"WHAT!"

"72 1/2 years is as long as you're  s'posed to be around. You eat like a pig, get winded climbing into and out of a golf cart, and use a doctor who looks like the drummer from a Sixties bar band who regularly throws up on stage at the end of each set."

"I'm turning blue, Genie!  I'm bluer than the new House of Representatives.  And why are calling me "Dude?"

"You're no long my master since we've discharged all the wishes, Dude. "

"But ...but ... but ..."

"I did make you President for life, as you asked. "

"Yeah, but it turned out to be fake news."

"Whaddya know, Dude?  Finally something actually did."

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