Saturday, March 20, 2010

Come on in! The Coffee’s Cold and the Bagels Mummified....

Oh, you made it!  Nice to see you, thanks for coming!

Yeah, not the best turn-out. Regular run of early morning light sleepers, guys who’ll use any excuse to get out of the house, and gentiles who married Jewish women who naively think they might learn something.

Okay, it's a couple of minutes past 9, I've got to say a few words...

May I have your attention please?
I just want to take few moments to welcome one and few. This is the regular Sunday morning meeting of the Men’s Club of Temple Boray Perry and for those of you new to the club, I'm President Al Rothman. Looking around the room, though, I can see there hasn't been anyone new to the club since the last time Bob Dylan was a Jew.
Today we’re meeting in a different venue than normal, the Gershen  Auditorium, where thankfully we won’t have to compete for being heard with the Children’s Choir practicing over and over the one song they seem to know well, “Tone Deaf Shalom.”

I'm happy to say our speaker today is our friend Mr. Mel Sharpstein, owner of The Jacket Racket, where most of you probably bought the loud, ill-fitting, and several-years-old style suits your sons wore to their Bar Mitzvahs. Mel will speak on his personal view that what’s enabled the Jewish People to survive adversity for thousands of years is fine tailoring.
Mel will also chronicle his efforts to have the word "stunning" added to the newer Hebrew prayers.

Unfortunately Mel hasn’t arrived yet. I’d call over to his house but I don’t want to get stuck talking to Ethel, our peoples’ answer to Anna Kendrick on speed.
Now everybody feel free to grab yourself coffee and a bagel. Unfortunately the coffee is about as hot as a date with Martha Stewart and the bagels feel as if they were formerly property of the National Hockey League. 

That’s the last time I pick up our Sunday morning nosh from a place called Mary Pat's Deli.

Next week I’m going to try another place, Little Touch of Kansas.

A word about the swift and unexpected change in the name of our synagogue. Until last Thursday, we were known as Temple Boray Perry Hagolfen. That was before our co-founder Art Hagolfen suddenly bolted off, taking with him the highly confidential “List of Congregants believed to be related to Jon Stewart.” 

Supposedly he’s going through some kind of mid-life crisis that involves a quest for personal meaning, self-expression, and incredibly hot sex with his former Pilates instructor, Dominique - who, by the way, is now the new Mrs. Art Hagolfen.

Just a couple of quick announcements and then all of us can return to milling about aimlessly. With the holiday coming, this Tuesday we’re holding Temple Boray Perry’s annual “A Rockin’ Pesach!” Every year our own Nicole Halaylos does a super job putting Passover lyrics to familiar songs to lead us in a tune-filled romp through a holiday featuring scores of human beings being eaten by maggots.

Please get in touch with Nicole as to any songs you’d like included because we’re up against it now and all we've got so far is “Seder, You with the Stars in your Eyes.”

Also Cantor Trotter and the children's choir will be presenting their annual show "Shabbat, Just Sayin'," a musical tribute to Judaism in the age of Twitter.  I haven't seen the program myself, but I understand you won't need anywhere near 140 characters to give your review once you have.

Next week our guest speaker will be Sol Berkowitz, who'll be speaking to us about "101 Uses for Your 1950’s Chopped Liver Grinder."  

Still no Mel.  Anyone want to call the house, take a tranquilizer, and chance talking to Ethel?


Then how about we run out to Wawa and get us some real coffee?  

Okay, one and few, till next Sunday morning …

Meeting Adjourned! 

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