Saturday, March 20, 2010

Come on in! The Coffee’s Cold and the Bagels Mummified....


Oh, you made it!!!  Nice to see you, thanks for coming!

Yeah, not the best turn-out. Regular run of early morning light sleepers, guys who’ll use any excuse to get out of the house, and gentiles who married Jewish women who naively think they might learn something.

Actually, you look kind of out of it today! Take some coffee and a bagel! Y' know, you might have combed your hair, tucked in, and wiped the shmutz from your face. Oh, that’s right, you never do!

Okay, it's a couple of minutes past 9, I've gotta say a few words ......

Everyone, may I have your attention please!!!

I just want to take few moments to welcome one and few. This is the regular Sunday morning meeting of the Men’s Club of Temple Boray Perry! I’m Men’s Club President Al Rothman!

Today we’re meeting in a different venue than normal. One in which, thankfully, we won’t have to compete for being heard with the Children’s Choir practicing over and over the one song they seem to know well, Tone Deaf Shalom.

First I want to thank our gracious host famed humor writer Perry Block for inviting us to hold this week’s meeting in his blog. Mr. Block couldn’t be here today but he tweeted me a statement he wanted me to read.

First Tweet: “I’m thrilled to host Temple Boray Perry’s Sunday Morning Men’s Club Meeting. Sorry, it’s a bit early for me, I’m usually not up at 9:00. If you could hold a Sunday Morning Men's Club Meeting at 2:00 or 3:00, I'm there!"

Next Tweet: “I offered to sponsor this meeting to honor and reinforce my profound commitment to the Jewish people and to Jewish culture.” 

What a nice boychick!

Last Tweet: “Also I have to do something --- anything --- to lure somebody --- anybody --- into my blog! Blogspot.com wants to drop me because they say they need the cyberspace. Do what you can, please, Al!”

Thank you again, Perry Block! Now everybody feel free to grab yourself coffee and a bagel. Unfortunately we’re out of regular coffee, but we do have decaf although it’s cold and it tastes like the stuff that drains out of your radiator on extremely hot days. Also I couldn’t get Danish, and the bagels have a feel to them as if they’re about to make the long journey down the Nile to be buried according to the ancient rites of the great god Anubis.

That’s the last time I go to a bagel shop called Little Touch of Kansas.

We have a very informal meeting today because we have no speaker. Next week we’ll have our friend Mr. Mel Sharpstein, owner of The Jacket Racket, where most of you probably bought the loud and ill-fitting suits your sons wore to their Bar Mitzvahs. Mel will speak on his personal view that what’s enabled the Jewish People to survive for thousands of years despite adversity is fine tailoring. “Al,” Mel's always telling me, “even the worst anti-Semite pulls up short when confronting a Jew about whom he’s inwardly thinking Stunning!! Positively Stunning!”

A word about the swift and unexpected change in the name of our synagogue. Until last Thursday, we were known as Temple Boray Perry Hagolfen. That was before our co-founder Art Hagolfen suddenly bolted off, taking with him the highly confidential List of Congregants believed in Some Manner to be Related to Jon Stewart. Supposedly he’s going through some kind of mid-life crisis that involves a quest for personal meaning, self-expression, and his former Pilates instructor, Dominique --- now, by the way, the new Mrs. Art Hagolfen.

Those of you who know me know I've never been one to speak ill of others, and I'm not going to start now. All I can say is this: we will find the no-good rat bastard and when we do, we will inflict guilt upon him like the Jewish Mother from Hell!

So please remember that our name has changed, and you will from this point on be writing checks for Religious School, Building Fees, & Rabbi’s Little Slush Fund to Temple Boray Perry.

Just a couple of quick announcements and then all of us can return to milling about aimlessly. With the holiday coming, this Tuesday we’re holding Temple Boray Perry’s annual A Rockin’ Pesach! Every year our own Nicole Halaylos does a super job putting Passover lyrics to familiar songs and leading us in a tune-filled romp through a holiday that features scores of human beings dying extremely grisly deaths.Please get in touch with Nicole as to any songs you’d like included because we’re up against it now and all we've got so far is “Seder, You with the Stars in your Eyes!”

Finally, I’d like to say a word about our gracious host, Perry Block. By the way, anyone know him? Me neither.

Now, can anybody give me a ride to Wawa? Oh, at about 9:30.

Think I’ll leave early.

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