You Don't Hardly Hear Anyone Saying This So Much Anymore

 

You Don't Hardly Hear Anyone Saying This So Much Anymore:

1) "Did anybody remember to bring a camera?"

2) "Excuse me, sir, can you give me the directions to ...?"

3)  "Why would I ever want or need cable TV?" 

4) "Hard to believe that the oldest Boomers are turning 60."

5) "Don't you just love those long CVS receipts with all the coupons?"  

6)  "What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm?"

7) "Y2K is going to be a disaster!"

8) "What's a meme?"

9) "Why would I ever want or need premium cable TV?"

10) "That Liberty Mutual commercial with the emu is very funny."

11) "Want to go see the "The Beaver" with Mel Gibson?"

12) "Young people getting tattoos is a fad that'll blow over."

13) "... the girls in the office ..."

14) "Boy, seems like every other car in New York City is a taxicab."

15) "Y2K is going to be a big nothing."

16) "Why would I ever want or need streaming TV?"

17) "I never miss Bill Maher on Friday night."  

18) "How could Gayle King and Charles Barkley not have great chemistry together?"

19) Twitter will never be as big a deal as Facebook."

20) "Remember Y2K?"

These are just the ones that I thought of, but there are obviously many more. If you think of any, please let me know. 

It would be a mitzvah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To a Brave New World

   

There's no question about it: We're driving fast from a dream of the past to a Brave New World.  

We Baby Boomers have entered a Brave New World, a world with which most of us are more than a bit ill at ease.  Movies, TV, and certainly technology have advanced far beyond the land of black and white television, John F. Kennedy, and Doris Day & Rock Hudson, even though Rock was blazing trails back in the day of which we were then not the slightest bit aware.

So how am I faring in this brave new world, which has such people in it?

A  couple of thoughts on a couple of subjects:

Modern Celebrities

When we were young celebrities had clearly discernable names.  Names Like Frank Sinatra. Or, as I bend the knee, John, Paul, George, and Ringo.

Nowadays celebrities' names can be puzzling. The first time I heard the name "Kendrick Lamar," I thought it was an insurance company. I wondered if at Kendrick Lamar, they make you pay for more than what you need.

Then somebody mentioned  "The Weeknd," and I said "I hope you had a good time, the Hamptons?" And when I heard someone exclaim "Shaboozey!" I said "Gesundheit."  However, now that I've listened to some of Shaboozey's music  I've found I like it almost as much as I like saying:  

Shaboozey!

It took me longer than it should have to be able to distinguish Ryan Reynolds from Ryan Gosling.  That shouldn't have been so hard but it was in part fueled by my Baby Boomer proclivity towards temporarily blanking on the names of people and celebrities I actually know well.  Right now I can't even remember the names of the two celebrities I just mentioned. 

Then I come to the matter of "Walton Goggins," star of "The White Lotus" and other popular TV shows. Can you imagine a celebrity going by the name "Walton Goggins" back in the day?  Such an individual would have given his name a face lift to something like "Kirk Stirling" long before kicking off his acting career.

Actually I kind of like the name "Kirk Stirling." Is it too late for me to change my name to that?  Actually I kinda like Walton Goggins too.

My Advice on Names:  Watch the SNL Opening Monologue and at least one performance by the musical guest and pay careful attention to the names of the progenitors.  Then you can safely ignore the rest of the show, funny or as most likely, not. 

Modern Expressions

Yep, modern expressions sure have transcended the "far out" and "right on" from days of yore.  Here's my compendium, woefully incomplete, of those expressions I can say without looking sheepish and those I cannot:

"I'm down with that." One might think this was a negative as in "I'm voting thumbs down on that," but in actuality it means "I'm voting thumbs up." It may seem a little counterintuitive, but I  am fully down with saying "down with that." 

"Oh Snap." I think "oh snap" is the Gen Z version of "oh wow,"  but "oh wow" is still perfectly good, so it was a snap for me to decide not to say "oh snap!"

"Merch" - a shortened form of "merchandise" now so firmly entrenched in the language I can readily toss it out as I purchase Phillies cap, jersey, and other merch. But has all this merch ever helped the Phils win?  No, not "merch."   

"Rizz" - meaning "charisma" is too cute for words and too cute for me and most other Boomers.  You either got or you haven't got "rizz" but if you're fortunate enough to got it, I'd flaunt it, fellow Boomers, charismatically speaking.  

"It's lit" - the first time I heard this I thought "I didn't realize it was Hannukah."  But if it isn't Hannukah, then I thought "for God's sake, call the fire department!"  But it actually means that something is really, really good, but frankly if it isn't Hannukah and nothing's on fire, it's not an expression I feel really, really good about using. 

"Dope" - it meant pot to us, but now it's used to describe something that's very cool.  But if you think smoking dope is still very cool then you're probably not cool enough to use the expression "dope" to mean very cool. So I'd stick with the original usage, whether or not you want to light up or leave me alone.

"Shredding it" - I thought this had to do with making salad, but it actually means being really good at something. I'll have to give it some thought before deciding if I can be shredding it at saying "shredding it."

"Fetch" - Apparently originating from the movie "Mean Girls" it means "awesome." But with all due respects to Tina Fey, if you go fetch a pail of water and come back saying "fetch" for "awesome," I'm going to go fetch one myself and not come back. Awesome!        

My Advice on Expressions:  Feel free to say whatever you're comfortable with. But I'd do my best to avoid saying "Boujee."

Modern Commercials

Nah, I'm done for now.

So, keep driving fast from your dreams of the past, fellow Boomers.  

See you in the Brave New World.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“The Sauce That Saved the World”

(Totally written by AI. Or maybe A.1.)

In a quiet suburb of Omaha, Nebraska, lived a man named Carl Withers—average height, average job, slightly above-average love for steak. But what made Carl truly unique wasn't his grilling skills or his ever-growing apron collection. It was his obsession with A.1. Steak Sauce.

Carl didn’t just use A.1.—he worshiped it. He poured it on everything. Steak, sure, but also eggs, pizza, mashed potatoes, even cereal once (which, he admitted, was “a mistake, but an educational one”). His pantry was a shrine of bottles, some dating back decades. His license plate read “A1MEUP.”

One Saturday afternoon, while organizing his sacred stash, Carl noticed one bottle was glowing. A soft, bluish hue pulsed from its glassy surface like a beacon. Thinking it was just a side effect of drinking expired soda, he blinked—but it kept glowing.

He cautiously twisted the cap.

A vortex of swirling wind exploded from the bottle, hurling his apron across the kitchen. Out of the vortex stepped a woman in futuristic armor, holding a sizzling steak on a plate. Behind her, a swirling portal revealed a dystopian world—burnt skies, ruined buildings, people grilling tofu on broken car engines.

"I’m Agent Sizzle from the Sauce Division, year 2347," she said, setting the steak down. "We need your help. In our time, flavor has vanished. All condiments have been outlawed. A1 is the last remaining hope. We’ve tracked the original recipe to your bottle."

Carl, who was mid-bite of a microwaved chicken wing drenched in A.1., blinked. "Wait, you're saying I'm the chosen one?"

Agent Sizzle nodded gravely. "Only you can bring flavor back."

Without hesitation (and after grabbing five backup bottles), Carl stepped through the portal.

---

Six Months Later

The year 2347 was transformed. Thanks to Carl's heroic condiment consulting and generous sharing of his A.1. reserves, people remembered how to taste again. Restaurants re-opened. Grills were restored. Steaks sizzled on every corner.

And Carl?

He was knighted by the Sauce Council and given the honorary title: Sir Umami, Keeper of the Zing.

Back home, a statue of him stood in front of his favorite diner, holding a steak aloft, a bottle of A.1. in the other hand, with a plaque that read:

“To Carl Withers: He brought back the bite.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

(I had asked AI (Chat GPT) to write a story about A.1. Steak Sauce since Department of Education Secretary Linda McMahon doesn't know the difference between AI and A.1.)

If People Begged for Food like Dogs Do

 

Why a picture from SNL?  Because a few weeks ago SNL ran a similar sketch to the one below.  Only difference is I wrote this sketch several years ago but never did anything with it, when the SNL recent sketch brought it to mind.  Oh well .... 

Characters:

Attorney Hochberg

Attorney Wallace

Mr. Phillips

Voice of Receptionist

Voice of Mr. Brackish

 

A lawyer's office somewhere in the heart of New York City. Two lawyers are sitting around a table in a conference room, numerous papers on the table in front of them.

Mr. Hochberg

I'm so pleased at how swimmingly our negotiations have progressed on the 35-million-dollar merger between our two companies, Amanda. All the areas of merger are fleshed out and agreed upon except the valuation of the Little Rock plant.

Ms. Wallace

So true, Jack, it's been a pleasure working with you. We've hammered out the tax, human resources, and environmental responsibilities in near record time. As soon as the real property appraiser Mr. Phillips gets here, we can nail down our Little Rock issue and we're done.

Mr. Hochberg

Good enough. And we're also waiting for a call from our CEO Mr. Brackish to confirm our understandings and we can button the whole thing up.

Ms. Wallace opens a small package of crackers and puts one in her mouth. Mr. Hochberg's eyes light up. He falls to his knees and walks on his hands and knees over to where Attorney Wallace is sitting.

Mr. Hochberg

Ooooohhhh! May I have some? May I have some crackers, Attorney Wallace?

Ms. Wallace

No, Attorney Hochberg, these are my crackers! They're not for you.

Mr. Hochberg

But I want some! They look so yummy! I haven't eaten since I begged some of the Receptionist's Oreo Cookies ten minutes ago on my way in here!

Ms. Wallace

But these are not Attorney Hochberg's crackers, they're Attorney Wallace’s crackers!

Mr. Hochberg

(whining) Oh, all right. Could have some later, puh-lese?

Ms. Wallace

No! Now go back to your seat.

Mr. Hochberg returns to his seat on his hands and knees, sits in his chair, and regains his composure.

Mr. Hochberg

Now, I don’t think our meeting with the appraiser will take long. He comes highly recommended so I doubt we’ll have many questions about his appraisal.

Ms. Wallace

I agree. Our firm has used him many times before and I’ve always heard his work was right on the money.

Receptionist (over the intercom)

Mr. Hochberg, Ms. Wallace, Mr. Phillips the Appraiser is here.

Mr. Hochberg

Ask him to come in, please.

Mr. Phillips enters.

Ms. Wallace

Welcome, Mr. Phillips. I'm Attorney Wallace and this is Attorney Hochberg.

Mr. Phillips enters and shakes hands with both of them.

Mr. Phillips

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Hochberg.

Mr. Hochberg

Same here, Mr. Phillips,

Mr. Phillips

Ms. Wallace.

Ms. Wallace

Nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Mr. Phillips goes to his seat and produces a bagel from his briefcase.

Mr. Phillips

I hope you two don't mind. I was hungry so I bought myself a bagel (begins eating)

Mr. Hochberg and Ms. Wallace both perk up, get on their hands and knees and walk over to Mr. Phillips.

Ms. Wallace

Please, Mr. Phillips, I love bagels! May I have some? I'm so hungry!

Mr. Hochberg

And me too, Mr. Phillips. I want a bagel! Please, please, please! Just a bite, one bite, one little bite!

Mr. Phillips

No, Attorney Wallace! I said no, Attorney Hochberg. This is my bagel, not yours. This is Appraiser food, not Attorney food!

Ms. Wallace

I promise I'll get our firm to hire you again, many more times!

Mr. Hochberg

And I’ll roll over and play dead!

Mr. Phillips

I said no! You two have to learn not to beg at the conference table!

Mr. Hochberg & Ms. Wallace

Oh, all right.

Both return on their hands and knees to their seats.

Ms. Wallace

Now, Mr. Phillips, to the matter of the appraisal of the Little Rock building, equipment, inventory, and real property.

Mr. Phillips

Yes, I've been to Little Rock and carefully ...

Receptionist

Mr. Brackish is on the phone.

Mr. Hochberg

Put him on the speaker please.

Mr. Brackish

Good morning, Amanda and Jack! Is Mr. Phillips with you too?

Mr. Wallace

Hello, Mr. Brackish. Yes, he’s here and we're proud to say the deal is almost all set except for the signing.

Mr. Brackish

Wonderful! As a celebration, I'm taking all three of you to lunch this afternoon.

Mr. Hochberg and Mr. Phillips perk up.

Mr. Hochberg

Where did you have in mind, sir?

Mr. Brackish

How would you three like the thickest juiciest steak in town at Morton's?

Mr. Hochberg and Mr. Phillips fall to their hands and knees and race for the door.

Mr. Hochberg

Me, me, me, me! Can't wait to have steak!

Mr. Phillips

Big steak, juicy steak, medium rare, gotta have it!

Ms. Wallace

Know what, guys? I think I just evolved. I'm going to skip lunch and get this deal done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Vampire in the Mirror

Note:  This sketch was actually performed, with some decent effect.  But what the hell, Trump is running wild these days, I'm up at night with nothing else going on as usual, so post away!

Characters

Vlad - a narcissistic vampire

Lestat - his friend

 

Scene opens with Vlad looking in a mirror very upset and distraught. 

VLAD

I can’t stand it anymore.  It’s driving me crazy! 

Lestat, another vampire, joins him on stage.

 

LESTAT

OMG!  What’s wrong, Vlad!?  What can be so bad? 

VLAD

I don’t know how I look! I just can’t tell!

 

LESTAT

Of course you can’t tell.  We’re vampires.  We cast no reflection in a mirror.

VLAD

But it isn’t fair, Lestat.  Here I am, 659 years undead and I can’t tell if I’m aging well.  Or not aging well, as it were!

LESTAT

So what?

 

VLAD

Last night I was about to bite a young lady in the neck who was asleep in her bed and she woke up and began screaming. Loud bloodcurdling screams! Why would she scream like that?!!

LESTAT

Because you’re a vampire.

VLAD

Yes, but …

LESTAT

About to bite her in the neck and drain her of all her life sustaining fluids.

VLAD

Well, there is that. But how do I know it isn’t my looks that are turning the ladies off?!  How do I know I’m not turning into the John C. Riley of vampires?

LESTAT

That’s silly, Vlad. What makes you think all this?

VLAD

I ran into Victor recently and I said to him “Victor, I haven’t seen you since the Bubonic Plague.  My, you look great!” And you know what he said to me? 

LESTAT

 No, what?

VLAD

How ‘bout dem Phillies? 

Changes the subject right away.

LESTAT

Maybe he is a big Phillies fan!

VLAD

I happen to know he lives in New Jersey. He’s always talking about how he’d love to sink his teeth into that delicious morsel Chris Christie!!!

 

LESTAT

OMG, he would be delicious!

VLAD

But isn’t there some rule or law that when someone compliments your looks, you have to reciprocate?

LESTAT

Never heard of such a thing. Get a grip, Vlad!

VLAD

But, Lestat, whenever I run into any of my fellow vampires they react as though I was wearing a humongous Christian cross.

LESTAT

Vlad, of course they react that way.  You live in Lower Merion. Most of your vampire friends are Jewish.

VLAD

But I wanna be cute, just like I was during the Spanish Inquisition!  Tell me, Lestat:  am I Brad Pitt or Nosferatu?

LESTAT

I couldn’t say.  You’re just gonna have to forget  about all this Vlad. As a vampire, you’re never going to be able to see how you look.

 

But I want to look good.  I’ve so much at stake!

 LESTAT

Stake?! Don’t say the word “Stake, Vlad!”

VLAD

Sorry, sorry!  Okay, say, wanna grab a quick bite? We can jump on  a couple of dudes in South Philly.

LESTAT

No, thank you.  I … uh … the folks there eat so much spicey food they all have garlic breath.

VLAD

Okay, see you soon, I’m off.

 

VLAD leaves the stage.

LESTAT

Thank God he left!  Having to eat and look at the guy at the same time would disgust just about everyone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

If You Build It

 

Note:  Here's another unsold pilot of mine, a sketch nobody really liked so I'm parking it here. Most people will recognize this movie though some Gen Zers may not. But who the hell am I kidding? The chance the a Gen Zer might wander into here is as likely as Scarlett Johansson leaving Colin Jost for me.

Actually probably even less likely.

Characters:

The Voice

Perry

Herbie

VOICE

(Whispering)

If you build it, he will come.

PERRY

I’m sorry … I can’t hear you.

VOICE

(Louder; sarcastic)

If you build it, he will come.

PERRY

Better!  But who … who … are you?

VOICE

I’m the Voice from the movie Field of Dreams that encourages Kevin Costner to build a baseball diamond from which Shoeless Joe Jackson appears and touches his life in unique and miraculous ways!

PERRY

Oh, of course, I love that movie! I guess what you’re saying is you want me to build a baseball diamond too.

VOICE

Nah, I nailed that one the first time.  Let’s try something new.

PERRY

Okay.  Then … a football stadium?

VOICE

You’re going to build a football stadium?   I’m sure the Linc is just worried sick about the competition!

PERRY

Basketball court then?  

VOICE

I already had a guy build one of those. 

PERRY

And after he built it, who came?

VOICE

Wilt Chamberlain.   

PERRY

Oh, damn!  Sorry to miss that one.

VOICE

Yeah, it was epic.

PERRY

So then, a hockey rink?

 VOICE

No way I’m springing for a Zamboni.

PERRY

Fussball Table?  

VOICE

No! No! No!  Though I do love those spinners on Fuss ball.

 

PERRY

What then?

VOICE

 A pickleball court.

 

PERRY

A pickleball court?  Why?

 

VOICE

It’s getting really popular these days. Build it, and he will come.

 

PERRY

Who will come?

VOICE

Sorry, I never give that away this early.

 

PERRY

But how do I build it?  I don’t know anything about it.

 

VOICE

Google it.

PERRY

How could I go wrong? After all, Field of Dreams was a heck of a movie.

 

BLACKOUT

 

PERRY

(Banging with a hammer, stops, and sighs as he finishes)

Well, it’s taken me a year but I googled it, ordered the tooling, supplies, and I got me a pickleball court here.  You hear me, Voice?

 

VOICE

Great! You have built it and he will come.

 

PERRY

Super!

 

A slovenly figure appears.

 

GUY

Hey, how youse doin’?

 

PERRY

Who are you?

 

GUY

Herbie Blitzstein.

 

PERRY

Voice? Hey, Voice!

 

VOICE

Yes?

 

PERRY

What’s the deal? Who is this guy?

 

VOICE

That’s my brother-in-law Herbie.  Anything to get that bum outta the house.

 

PERRY

That’s who I built it for?! That’s the “if you build it, he will come” guy?!!

‘

VOICE

You do everything some random disembodied voice asks you to?

 

PERRY

But it all worked out so well in Field of Dreams!

 

VOICE

Yeah, well, I like to see who’s gullible enough to build these things.  It’s fun.

 

PERRY

Now what do I do with him?!

 

VOICE

You’ll be fine as long as you have a guestroom and an endless supply of beer. Well, dude, I’m off.

 

PERRY

Where ya goin’?

VOICE

Off to con some poor sucker into building me a Fussball Table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Dope About Alcohol

 

Recently the government has advised us that even a modest amount of alcohol consumption may increase one's chances of developing cancer and contracting a host of other health problems.  

Of course this was before the CDC came to be run by a man who doesn't know the difference between Medicare and Medicaid, between vaccines and vacillating about vaccines, and between his ass and his elbow.

But just prior to that time the government was newly advising us  that the Big Three causes of cancer were now Smoking, Obesity, and that up-and-comer Alcohol. It was even suggested that warning labels should be placed on bottles of your favorite alcoholic drink similar to those that appear on a pack of cigarettes.

In fact, we could combine all the warnings into one, like ..

Don't Smoke

Don't Eat

Don't Drink

Face It, Buddy, You're Fucked!

And I don't disagree with any of this.

I never smoked tobacco and I've alway been thin, but I have been known to hoist a pint or two in my day, and my day hasn't been that many days ago and those pints haven't always skidded to a stop at two.

In my early twenties I was addicted to pot (we called it dope back then), and yes, I did enjoy it but mostly I was trying to escape from those things in life that I ought never to have wanted to escape from but should have welcomed.

In my late twenties I was addicted to quaaludes, and yes, I did enjoy  them but mostly I was trying to escape from those things in life that I ought never to have wanted to escape from but should have welcomed.

In my early seventies I was addicted to alcohol, and yes, I did enjoy it but mostly I was trying to escape from Demon Regret over those things in life I escaped from that I ought never to have wanted to escape from but should have welcomed.

Whew!

You get the drift.

All of which has nothing whatsoever to do with whether alcohol or dope or quaaludes cause cancer or not. 

Maybe it's wanting to escape that ought to come with a warning label.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The World's Worst Fertility Doctor

 

                                      

Note:  Here's another sketch everyone hated, so it shares the status of an "unsold

pilot." I think it has sort of a Monty Python vibe, so I'm parking it here.

WTF.   

                                The World's Worst Fertility Doctor

                Cast

                 Dr. Romberg

                 Mr. and Mrs. Rogers

                 Chad, Dr. Romberg's assistant               

                 Premise: Dr. Romberg is totally unable to look at a set of facts and draw                   the obvious correct conclusion.

                  Scene: Dr. Romberg's office.   

                                           DR. ROMBERG

Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Rogers. Nice to see you.

                    MR.ROGERS

 Thank you, Doctor Romberg.

MRS. ROGERS

 Yes, thank you, doctor. You know we've been waiting with baited breath ever since we had our tests taken last week.

MR.ROGERS

We just want to make sure everything's fine and dandy before we try to start a family.

DR.ROMBERG 

Ah yes, your fertility tests, I know how much you want a child. Before we discuss your status I need to speak with my office assistant.

Mr. and Mrs. Rogers sit down. Doctor Romberg picks up intercom and speaks.

DR.ROMBERG

 Chad, please hold all my calls while the Rogers are here. That's right, I'll talk to anyone and everyone who calls.

Mr. and Mrs. Rogers look at each other in puzzlement.

          DR.ROMBERG

Now, folks, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The two of you will not be able to have children.

MR.ROGERS AND MRS. ROGERS

  OH, NO!

MR.ROGERS

Is it me? Am I the problem?

DR. ROMBERG

 Oh, no, Mr. Rogers. You could father an army!

                    MRS. ROGERS

 Then it's me.

DR.ROMBERG

 No, Mrs. Rogers, you're fine as well.

MR.ROGERS

 Then what's the problem?

DR.ROMBERG

 Well, you see, I'm a terrible fertility doctor. I have absolutely no ability to look at a set of facts and draw the right conclusion.

            MR.ROGERS

Oh!  So then we can have children?

DR. ROMBERG

 Absolutely not, in my professional opinion. Which is based on my total inability to process information and data.

MRS. ROGERS

 Well, that's terrible news. I'm crushed!

DR.ROMBERG

 I'm so sorry. That is, sorry that I have no ability to analyze test results that are as clear as the nose on my face.

MR. ROGERS

 I just got an idea! Why not run the tests again and that will give you another chance to look at the results and get it right?

DR. ROMBERG

 No, no, no, that won't make any difference!

MR. ROGERS

 Why?

DR. ROMBERG

 You'll pass the tests again with flying colors and I'll get everything wrong again! You have to understand that my ability to reason is totally nil.

MRS. ROGERS

 Would this work? You just look at the test results one more time and this time tell us the EXACT OPPOSITE of whatever you conclude.

DR. ROMBERG

What are you saying?!  Do you think I  have no ethics, no scruples?                   

MRS. ROGERS

 I'm so sorry, doctor. I apologize.

MR.ROGERS

 Doctor, we have a lot of faith in you.

DR. ROMBERG

 You shouldn't.

MR.ROGERS 

But ... maybe we should get a second opinion.

DR.ROMBERG

 In my judgment, any other doctor will come to the same conclusion I have. But since my judgment is always wrong, congratulations you two!

MRS. ROGERS

 Thank you, doctor. You've made us very happy!

MR.ROGERS

 Doctor, we don't know how to thank you!

The Rogers leave. Dr. Romberg speaks into the Intercom.

DR. ROMBERG

 Chad, do I have any more appointments for the day?

CHAD

No, doctor, you have no appointments scheduled for this afternoon.

DR. ROMBERG 

Damn. I was hoping to get home early tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~